Say hello to a new beginning

2012-02-11T09:36:00.000-06:00

Everyday love...

2012-02-11T03:09:00.003-06:00

I'm in San Antonio with my Sweetie this weekend. Nice to be back on the old stompin' grounds. Nice to see how far you've come from where you've been...and as always to see old friends. Looking forward to the rest and relaxation!

Naturally Seven

2012-02-08T19:06:00.002-06:00

Unanswered prayers...

2012-02-05T00:00:00.006-06:00

I just finished posting to Cary's blog and happened to read through some of my old posts on my travel blog. One in particular stood out. I wrote it around the time I moved to Lubbock. I can still remember the excitement and apprehension of moving away and being homesick but excited for the road I was on.

Around the same time, I had lots of new people come into my life and one in particular that had been part of my past. There were two (cough, cough) "suitors" in my life and unbeknownst to me and against my intuition - I went with a choice that seemed textbook.

oh how mistaken I was.

it was from that context that I wrote the blog i've posted at the end of this post.

not knowing and unsure.

I had a conversation with my mom today. She was telling me that she had a conversation with my sister and that she had told her, "whenever something bad happens - something good will come of it."

I had to completely agree and I chuckled at just how true that was for me. I thought one relationship would've been so perfect and it turned out it couldn't of been further from the truth.

I wouldn't know that until some time later in the semester along with another incident that would cause me to see that what I was looking for was right in front of me the whole time.

Odd how that happens, right?

According to the textbook, Ricardo couldn't have be more wrong for me. And there were plenty to tell me so.

I've made many decisions - some have been good ones and some not so good. What I've learned is that there's this gut feeling that comes before I've made any of those decisions.

It's happened recently - and i'm ever so glad I listened and it happened with Ricardo.

a relationship that was so wrong would be exactly what I needed to see what was so right about Ricardo for me. I know some people think how do these two survive? (I'm sure Ricardo asks himself that sometimes too! lol)

I could just be me and he didn't run off scared...there was something to that! so looking back at the two plus years we've shared together, I dont know who could ever be a more perfect fit for me or my life.

He was beyond supportive as I chased after my dreams/education. In the midst of family crisis, he's been the pillar I can lean on. He helps me reason what I cannot and provides this oh-so-necessary balance to my life.

Sometimes I don't like it but we dont always like what is necessary.

I've learned more about who I am and what I want from this life and he's been supportive every step of the way. I've been a bit uptight but he allows me to relax.

I think we both knew it the night of our first date where I actually slumped at dinner. Not something I normally do, but something about him that was calming, reassuring, and safe that I finally felt I could let my guard down. Boy am I glad I did...it has been a ride for sure and I know that we have more to go...but every mile we've travelled together has been worth it.

Valentine's Day is around the corner and I love everything about Valentine's Day. Ricardo - not so much...but he endulges me and allows me my moment of Valentineness. So this is my love letter to him..and yes, I've opted to share it with you.

Because I do believe that out of something "bad" something good/beautiful will come from it. It's hard to see it facing it head on and it isnt until time has passed that you realize the beautiful that emerged from the ashes.

I wouldnt have the appreciation I have for Ricardo and all his quirks had it not been for that other relationship which was so wrong. It was the so wrong of that relationship which allowed me to see the oh-so-right in Ricardo. And it's those things that I value most in who Ricardo is and who he is in my life.

He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me.

i've had plenty of time for contemplation which has landed me here writing this blog. seems strange that the last time I wrote from this location I called it home, now i'm merely a visitor. life has been oddly wonderful and oddly strange in the last few weeks and I can hardly recognize any resemblences to pre-italy life. amazing what a few new experiences can do to you. I don't say that lightly either because life has handed me a stack of changes, some expected others not.

I don't desire to go into any depth of the happenings in my life as of late: mainly to protect the not-so/innocent. what I can say about recent happenings is that I've been left feeling "sucker punched."

it has made me seek comfort and peace from a familar place but even that relationship has evolved to something new. the comfort I've found is in God continuing to quiet my heart and teach me thru my circumstances.

these have not been easy or painless lessons. in fact, I can't really remember the last I felt this way. its not easy to navigate through uncharted waters....yet, that is where I find myself.

as always, I remain positive but can't seem to escape a sinking feeling about certain situations: call it intuition, call it knowledge, call it nothing at all.

shifts are inevitable.

the courage I once strongly had to delve into the deep appears to be failing me now in hesitation. my fault in that thought is that emotions are fleeting and there is courage to be found in foundations laid strong - not in the emotional throes of life.

it's easier to be tossed around in the wake of circumstances instead of lowering the anchors from deep within our spirit giving way to stability. being tossed around always leads to disorientation and "sickness." but anchoring allows us to maintain the course and provides stability.

it is the harder choice but when the storm subsides we will find ourselves where we should be and not shipwrecked with Gilligan and the crew on a deserted island. that's where I find comfort and peace knowing i'm safe in God's hands.

contemplation and yearnings

2012-02-03T00:08:00.000-06:00

I seem to only write blogs late in the evenings or on saturday mornings. Apparently, that's when I do most of my reflection.

So this week has just about taken everything outta me. Too much going on and I'm grateful for friends who've lifted my spirits and reminded me of the important stuff.

my bro-in-law was readmitted and we're waiting to see if he's going back in for surgery. it's been hard to watch my sister and her boys walk down this road. i'm itching to pay them a visit. working on the details of trying to get there. just wish i didnt live 9 hours away. that makes it really hard.

then there's work which seems to have piled upon us in a hurry. we had some personnel changes and that's all i'll say about that. seems like there will be possiblities for the future but we wait for time to tell. i came home for work today and worked another three hours at home. insanity...but i cant complain because i really do love my job.

i also joined the board of a children's clinic here. that i'm super excited about because i did my internship with this clinic so i know firsthand how much the staff love their patients. i'm glad to be serving and using my time to further their mission and cause.

my mom decided to retire. its official. i'm happy for her but also uncertain how else I feel about it. i'm glad definitely - she needs the break and to rest and to spend time with her precious grandsons. they're too hilarious together...

but that means she'll have lots of free time and i'm not sure what that means for me! LOL...i kid of course. i love my mother and enjoy my time with her. but we have a time spent together limit/cap before one of us gets mad or upset at the other. I think its because we're more alike than I like to think.

there are just alot of unknowns right now. makes life challenging. but then again i knew this life wouldnt be challeng free. i'm trying to concentrate and focus on the things that matter.

John Mayer's "clarity" best describes the state I'd like to be in or am in...just feelin "heavier things" this week. i know better than to make decisions/choices in an "emotional state" because emotions are ever so fleeting. just gonna let time sort things out. for the first time in a whilee, i feel very mellowed out. is that odd? or does that mean i'm finally growing up?

whatever it means...i'm just going to enjoy being in the moment and focusing on the things that matter.

Carry Me

2012-02-01T20:09:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to share a link...

2012-01-29T22:20:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to share a link.

The least of these...

2012-01-28T10:48:00.000-06:00

Self-righteousness and critical judgement of others never leads to inner peace, rest, or happiness. Seems odd to post but it's something I saw and read. Just from observation an attitude of self-pity only brings bitterness and disdain of others you may never truly understand or know.

I thik my cousin was right when she posted about social coonections via online lead to a false sense of knowing someone. Reading some one's postings and taking them at full face value can lead to misunderstanding with no effort to really understand where the other person is coming from or what led them to certain conclusions.

Sadly, i've seen this played out to many times and to often have had people attempt to what they would consider "pour" into my life without having seen or spent anytime with me in recent months. By months I really mean a long consecutive amount that could add up to years and yet they preface their wisdom with "I love you."

Really? Then where have you been all the time prior?

This "revelation" is not something new and is the reason I've cut people out of my life since my return from Italy. Life is much more peaceful and simplier without those dramatics.

Yes, you're free to believe what you want but i'm also free to believe you don't need to be a part of my life. Harsh, maybe but it's truthful. I'm not going to offer apologize for believing or thinking as I do. That's not who I am and never has been...apologize for being ugly about it, sure but not apologizing for being honest about how I really feel.

Life is too precious and too short to spend it dwelling on what others think or believe which is why I'm not angry or bitter. I've just moved on and will contiue to do so to the best of my abilities.

So why write aout it? Because I believe there are varying stages of moving on and sometimes, especially for me, it's therapeutic to get my thoughts out and processed. Doesn't mean they're absoluetly right or will remain the same but it's part of an ever evolving humanity that is moved and changed by life's experiences.

Something I hope never changes. There will be those in my life who we will never agree on politics, or other issues but truly I consider opposing views and do learn from being challenged. Maybe not in the way you would like but I try to learn something from everyone who enters my life. For my MBA experience, i'm truly glad because my class was very diverse. I got the opportuniy to meet some really amazing people who will go on and accomplish amazing things in life. I'd rather focus on those opportunities to have my world colored by varying views than to sit and listen to the judgement and criticism.

At the end of the day, i only have to be at peace with my own thoughts, choices, and decisions. And if I'm not, I know tomorrow will be another day to try.

Believe

2012-01-28T01:14:00.000-06:00

the big and the small

2012-01-28T00:12:00.000-06:00

Today, I realized I'll hit my one year anniversary of employment with my healthsystem in February. My how time flies. So much has changed in just one year in both my professional and personal life.

I remember that first week wondering if I had made the right call by choosing healthcare as my concentration for both my master's degrees. I also remembering wondering if I had what it takes to make it in my line of work? There are days when I still wonder that.

But a year later, my department has undergone some major changes. Some unexpected, others necessary and still daily we face new challenges. Something I hope never changes. And I hope the day never arrives when I think I've learned it all or have it all figured out. Maybe to have more understanding but it's the challenges that cause us to dig deep, investigate, and cause us to grow and learn.

To be comfortable isn't an option.

The most valuable lesson I've learned this year is that comfort in my line of work can be a dangerous thing. We should constantly be challenging oursleves to do and be better. There's always room for improvement and so that's the path I'm chasing down...

I've learned alot in this last year and looking back to when I started I could've never imagined the road i'd travel down. Oddly, enough - what my job has taught me most is about the important things in life...not promotions, not titles, not money...but life.

Strangely enough, those lessons have been reinforced in my personal life as well. Many of you know about the medical journey my bro-in-law has been on and that he's been given a grim prognosis. So in this year, we've had to and are facing the concept of life and death.

Cary turned 30 this year so he's not very old depending on what side of that number you're on and your concept of old!

So given this complex journey for my family, I take that experience with me to my job. I try to remember that families are dealing with complex issues when I see them in the hall. It's very much changed my approach and understanding of the people we serve. I guess you could say that its brought humanity to my work.

This journey has been bittersweet and even now there's much uncertainty. Some days all we can do is to take one day, one moment at a time.

the town I live in

2012-01-07T23:45:00.000-06:00

Well hello 2012! Last time I wrote was I don't remember when and I honestly meant to write and update on the latest happenings. But things got crazy over the Christmas holidays. For starters, my bro-in-law ended 2011 and started 2012 in the hospital. He gave us a real scare! He's still in the hospital and slowly recovering so we appreciate any prayers you can send up on his behalf!

ok so I thought the crazy drama would end there but it didn't...and to be honest, I'm not really concerned with any of it so we won't discuss it. But Ricardo and I did spend the most time, we've ever spent together as in the same city...same vicinity, etc...you get it?

He spent Christmas break in Lubbock. So after the festivities with both our families, we made the trek with Miss Fancy in tow to Lubbock. This was huge for a number of reasons but mainly because this would be the test to see if our relationship works because it works or if it works because we live so far away from each other! lol

I laugh about this but I was probably just as serious/scared about the results as Ricardo was. Mainly because we were closing in on our two year anniversary. According to our early plans, we should've been married by now but for one reason or another just hadn't gone in that direction.

Looking back, I think it was for good reason. There are just some things that sometimes need to happen to naturally evolve you to the place you need to be for certain life events to be in their right timing.

anyhow..there is no speculation about marriage, etc so don't go drawing conclusions or making assumptions. what is fact is that Ricardo and I celebrated two years together and it was good. we were able to reflect on the last two years and if anyone tells you that relationships are clear cut and simple, stay away from their advice cause they've been drinking from the "lala land" punch bowl.

relationships are anything but and for some odd reason it finally clicked that there are no right or wrong answers to relationships but that it really is about honesty, communication, trust, and vulnerability.

Ricardo and I passed the can we live in the same vicinity test and honestly, it was nice to have him close by. so we're working on remedying the whole "living half way across the state from one another" situation. that makes me happy...and honestly, i'm happy with where we are and how our relationship has naturally progressed.

I finally realized I just needed to sit back and enjoy where we are at. It won't always be like this and time is short. that's been the major lesson as of late (given my bro-in-laws health situation). you cant take anything for granted.

i've done some travelling with my brother in the last month. so we've had lots of conversations about life and living. Ricardo and I have talked about it as well. I dont know how long my time on earth will be, but if I'm called home - I want to be able to look back at my life and know that I did what I could and should, took advantage of every opportunity afforded me, that I loved deeply - loved hard - with deep meaningful relationships leaving nothing unsaid. I want all that so that I could go in peace knowing it was my time to go.

peace is a funny thing because it's not something that arrives with huge fanfare. no it quietly creeps in and is what puts our souls at ease and calms our fears. it gives us hope that everything is going to be ok. doesnt leave us in a frantic state but leaves us calm with understanding. it is the peace that passes all understanding. that is what I wish for those that i love deeply who are in my life: peace.

its what i feel about Ricardo, feel and know about our future together and what I have about where i'm at now and what I need to be doing to prepare for my future. i trust 2012 to be in God's hands and know that whatever we face, we'll face together as a family. we'll laugh, cry, be silent but we WILL be. God's promised to never leave us alone and I find that so true now in my family life and the things my family is enduring.

I have such hope for my sister and her family...for my two nephews whom I love and adore. their smiles mean the world to me. I never knew that two little boys could completely turn my world upside down but they along with Ricardo in differing ways have stolen my heart.

2011 was the year of endings and beginnings. 2012 will bring additional changes both welcomed and not so welcoming. but that is life. a cycle of seasons. the point is to find the joy and beauty in each season for it will endure but a brief moment.

Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a moment for all things. for joy, laughter, sorrow, sadness, giving, mourning, etc. so take time in this moment to live, embrace, and put your brave face on. for the next season is already on its way.

pizza boxes + starbucks' coffee cups = epic saves

2011-11-21T23:14:00.002-06:00

ever have a monday you wish you could rewind and start over? I've just had one thing after another happen these last few weeks.

today I had another major epic fail...it involved walking and a starbucks' coffee cup.

the morning started off foggy, dreary, cold, and wet. that should've been my warning sign.

so i get to work and get to working on a few things and then realized that I had a 1pm meeting at one of our other campuses. my co-worker and I decided to grab a quick lunch and then head over to our meeting.

no big deal - except it was starting to drizzle by the time we finished lunch.

sign number 2.

we make it over to our one o'clock meeting and decided to grab some starbucks downstairs before heading to our 2:30pm appointment. no big deal. i was craving a chai tea latte.

we run downstairs - grab starbucks and start to head back to the elevators...

that's when it happened...

the epic fail.

i could feel my left foot start to slip out from under me and just as i thought i was recovering from my slip, my ankle rolled. the descent down began....so i've got a portfolio in one arm with my purse on my shoulder and my coffee cup in the other...

i started to panic looking at my portfolio and coffee cup wondering which one I should sacrifice.

i'd completely lost my footing and didnt know what to do so i just went with the motion - landing on my side taking out my foot, leg, arm, and elbow...

I stood up - got my bearings and realized i'd slid down the hall on my hip and had spilled some chai tea on my slacks...luckily i was wearing black.

the adrenaline pumping through my veins kept me from feeling the impending pain. it wasnt until i sat through my meeting and then stood up that i realized how big of an epic fail that was...and how hard i had fallen.

however, i managed to save the majority of my chai tea....it must be a skill because i've also had a similar incident involving a pizza box. same sort of circumstances...except this time it wasn't missed steps causing my fall.

either way I feel like I strained my core (which I already injured in a car accident several years ago). I'm sore in places that were a bit surprising like my side, forearm, and shoulder. didn't necessarily hit those parts when I hit the ground but my body tensed up.

yeah - so ready for wed to be here. not to mention my car battery died and i need to get it over to the shop to get it replaced because while i'm handy - i'm not that handy. that's presented some challenges. and there's been a slew of other things i'd rather not discuss. just to say there's been alot of disappointment and just when I feel like i'm starting to tread water - boom - something else happens.

just trying to keep my head up and take care of myself so that I wont fall apart (emotionally or physically). there's been alot going on that I've not talked about...just to say that today was hard. hard on a number of fronts.

the upside is that i know time is about seasons and while this season may endure longer than I'd like and may be the hardest, I know a new one will eventually arrive. so i'm focusing my energy on seeking out the silver lining in the cloud.

my main concern is my back which I had a bulging disc during the summer which had been healing up nicely. a little concerned about what tomorrow will feel like getting out of bed. thinking i may feel like I was in a car accident which makes sense since I did take a pretty hard fall.

well ladies and gents - off to ice the ankle and hip - and break out the bengay....

Chasing pavement

2011-11-15T20:57:00.000-06:00

epic fails

2011-11-10T22:34:00.001-06:00

i've been promising this one for a while and even though I know some of you would like to see pics - I cannot oblige.

I've actually had quite a few epic fails in the last few weeks. one being - breaking my small toe on my foot. i was trying to take out some christmas decorations. the incident involved a collapsing stack of folding chairs, a concert step, and a chancla bearing foot. hence, a broken toe.

ok so prior to that i failed to use my better judgement i decided to take matters into my own hands...i'm talking about my hair. i was tired of my super long bangs and made the erroneous decision to cut them (GASP).

not one of my better choices and trust me, i've been paying the price since...

so now my self-cut has forced me to get my hair professionally cut. AGH! and i was trying to grow it out.

logical reason would dictate that if I wanted to grow my hair out then I wouldn't of cut it. but it was one of those days were frustration overpowered my logical reasoning and before I knew it the snip snip of my scissors had done their dirty deed.

the lesson learned - leave these kinds of things to the professionals!

hence the EPIC FAIL

I narrowly escaped the "female mullet." God save me!

either way, i will not cut my hair..at least not anytime in the near future and/or until this recent memory has faded into the oblivion.

too soon

2011-11-08T22:32:00.000-06:00

tonight was a harsh reality of what is to come. i'm not sure how much has been made public but many of you know my bro-in-law had a major transplant about two years ago. his health is now deteriorating and the family is preparing for a tough road ahead.

we'd been told this day would come but i don't think we ever expected it to come so quickly. we all know that death is part of the life cycle but until you're faced with it, you really don't comprehend the far reaching impact it has on loved ones.

i see it now...and am slowly understanding the impact this life event will have on my sister and the two little boys I love so much. i don't know what could be more heartbreaking than to see your loved ones hurting.

my oldest nephew called me tonight...he'd been crying and he's begun to understand the toll this illness is and will have on his Daddy. in the same conversation, i saw the innocence of his heart and the hope that God could fix his daddy.

I believe that God can and in His infinite wisdom will do what He is going to do. It would indeed be a miracle because of everything my bro-in-law has been through...but my nephew is still to young to understand that these last two years have been a miracle in themselves.

We're not dwelling on what is to come but dwelling on today and now...doing what we can now to make these moments count. For me, it is a challenge because I live so far away - but I'm doing what I can to be there, support, and love my sister, bro-in-law, and nephews...

these aren't only my sentiments but also of those who love my sister and her family and then those of my immediate family. just over a year ago, i didn't think my immediate family would ever be the same - strange how situations like this will draw you close and put into perspective the things that really matter.

there are, in fact, many unknowns right now...not just in this situation but in my life. so i cant really see into next week or next month. i can only see right now and this moment...and i'm trusting that the rest is in God's hands. its all i know to do and all i can do...

We've heard it said before: death is no respecter of age, race, or position...and we are not guaranteed tomorrow. so never leave words and/or feelings unsaid: live each day as if it was your last.

the challenge now - is to live each day in its fullest and provide as much stability as possible for my sis and her family. to let my nephews know they're going to be taken care of, they're loved, and its ok to talk about their feelings.

to say i was prepared for tonight's conversation with my nephew is a HUGE understatement but i learned something from my bro-in-laws grace shown in his conversation with my nephew. the road will not be easy but we can rest in knowing that the Father will see us through...and that in Him - death is not the finality: it's merely the goodnight.

A calling

2011-10-14T01:00:00.002-05:00

To my recollection, I don't think I've ever talked about why I chose healthcare in the course of my MBA education. For as long as I can remember I've been told that I have a "calling" in ministry and I suppose that to a degeree that is right. But then again, don't we all if we believe in the tenets of the Gospel of Christ AND the faith of Christian living?

Over the years, I've learned that some are called to full-time ministry, others to be bi-vocational, and others to what I term as secular ministry. Doesn't the world need Christian hair dressers/stylist who listen to people's problems and can pray for them instead of the usual "gossip shop" stereo-types? or Mechanics who can help a family in need, or HVAC Technicians who assist churches in emergencies....or writers, doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc....who in some way challenge us to be better people and meet the needs of others so that doors may open for what i've come to know as "sacred moments."

I'm a strong proponent of education...just about any kind of education from technical schools to junior colleges all the way to doctoral programs...we should promote education but I also feel we should challenge students to find their passion in life, find their calling in life.

A calling in life....

Something I think I had been searching for, for quite some time...I've never felt completely at home solely in ministry circles or even in just my vocational ones until I came into healthcare. Like most I don't believe in coincidences; just as I don't believe that Ricardo came into my life when he did.

I believe that when I set out on the journey to complete my education I set out on a journey to discover my destiny or calling in life.

I never thought in a million years that my logical and statistically-driven professor would make the connection for me on my very first day of class or even that a situation in my professional career would lead me to a job at Blue Cross Blue Shield (in what some would consider an entry level job). This "entry level" job would lay a strong foundation in my understanding of healthcare and it's delivery that ultimately wuuld guide my path to pursuing an education in health organization management/healthcare administration.

I would've never imagined it possible but that's exactly how it happened...

The first words my professor spoke to us that first class were: "I'm not looking for students looking to collect a paycheck, or looking to gain fame: I'm looking for students who see healthcare as a calling."

At that moment, I felt that eerily familiar feeling I get when I know that God's trying to get my attention and instantly thought "I think I've found what I've been searching for."

From there this calling has been affirmed in more ways than one...i've since gone on to work for a childn's non-profit clinic...continued to help them in terms of fundraising, etc....because I strongly believe in their mission.

My brother now serves on their board of directors...and this weekend they'll kick off a fundraiser that he and I assisted in developing which I hope and pray will become annual event for them! They've done all of the hard work and I'll continue to support them as I can and am able. They (LCHC Clinic staff and administrators) taught me some very important and valuable lessons that I will carry with me thru my career and have given me a strong foundation of purpose.

Then there's my newest work experience. One which I am super excited about. It's a rare opportunity to join a strategy team so young in my career but as always God opened the right doors at the very right time. My previous experiences played into this new opportunity and oddly enough this eclectic collection of work experiences would play to my benefit in this position.

I work for a faith-based organization and while it's not the denomination I adhere to, this organizations promotes a Christ-centered mission. Meetings open with prayers and reflections...verses are read over loud speakers and our mission, to bring whole body healing, is always mentioned.

It's been here in this position that I'm seeing my potential realized and all my talents put to use and where I'm experiencing growth in understanding the connection between my faith and work.

I was nominated to particiapate in a leadership program of connecting your faith and work. It has been one of the most eye-opening experiences and the first time I publicly acknowledged my story of how I came across my calling in life.

We were asked to bring an artifact..and I chose two pictures....one of my parents and me when I was a little girl and one of my deceased grandmother..

Why those two pictures?

You see my parents nurtured the journey of finding my calling even when I felt I was flailing about in life....they never gave up and always encouraged me to pursue what they could see in me that I could not see for myself...i owe them my life in this regard....but more so for their patients as I stumbled in my journey...and for their support as I began to discover exactly what that is.

The second for my grandmother who fought and succumbed to a battle with colon cancer. During the course of her treatment, I saw how she was treated with dignity and grace by all who cared for her. I witnessed how that medical condition forever changed the make-up and composition of my family and then there's my uncle who didnt have access to healthcare. The tragic lack of medical attention took his life far too young and once again our family composition changed and with it a part of my mother...

I don't wish the latter example of my uncle for anyone and wish for all patients to be treated with love, dignity, and respect...just like my grandmother received...so those two pictures sit in my office to remind me of my purpose and calling...so that each day I'm challenged to give my very best with that understanding that patients lives hang in the balance...someone's mother, father, grandmother, or uncle...

Finally, my bro-in-law who has defied the logic of modern medicine with multiple surgeries and a transplant now dealing with deteriorating health. All of these events have changed my view of medicine, the practice and delivery of.

In this line of work, it becomes easy to see patients just as numbers or percentages or as cost and revenues...but that is a very clinic approach but the truth of the matter is that patients are people with families and loved ones. For each strategical recommendation or analysis I conduct, I take that reminder with me which challenges me to give my best knowing someone's loved one could be affected.

I hope that is my opportunity to affect positive change to the benefit of all...and that is how I approach my everyday work..so very thankful to work in a place that welcomes prayer and encourages sacred moments with patients.

Unreal

2011-10-11T00:11:00.002-05:00

I thought today was going to start like most weeks with the exception that my bro-in-law has been hospitalized. With each hospital visit it gets scarier and scarier...I started a new leadership development class at work and had been looking forward to it for some time.

It's the first work experience where i've been able to truly express my faith without fear or repercussion: for that I'm most grateful. Again I feel my life's calling confirmed...but no sooner had I returned to my office when I discovered some jarring new.

I'm not at liberty to go into details but I find myself in the land of unknowns...I have no cue as to what the next few months will bring but it's also kind of exciting?

I'd been praying about some next few steps and this type of situation just might be the answer i've been seeking. I can only say that time will tell and I'm content to roll up my selves and get to work.

And then there's the hoping and praying for my sister's husband to have a recovery...

Can't really speak to the situation but just to say i'm trying to figure out how to best support my family. That's my focus and my heart right now..better days will come-this I know but it doesn't make the painful moments any easier....

My next post will be about epic fails!

acquaintances not forgotten

2011-10-08T03:01:00.003-05:00

this week was an odd one.

last weekend I found myself in Austin with Ricardo who took me to see my nephews and sister. I always love spending time with all of them. It had been a while since I'd seen my sister and nephews and the time was much needed even if it was only for a few short hours.

we'll make the trip again next weekend for Timothy's birthday party! Definitely looking forward to that...

last Saturday I learned about the deaths of old acquaintances...acquaintances, i'd not seen for a long while. brought up some mixed emotions. these guys were young - fairly young - but then again death is no respecter of age, race, or position.

I have several close friends, who knew these guys fairly well and so it's been hard to see them hurting and go through mourning but it's also a very stark reminder that we should make the most of each day and to not leave words, feelings, and thoughts unspoken.

fast forward to mid-week, we learn of Steve Jobs passing....

I think about how his innovation changed how we interact, how we obtain information, and how it changed many industries including mine - healthcare. when we demo new software for our system - we always ask - is there an app? most of our physicians have iphones, droids, or ipads...the ipad/tablet is a tool of EMR's and the delivery of healthcare services. it's because of Steve Jobs innovation that we have a mouse an graphic interface as my brother reminded me yesterday over dinner...so many accomplishments and yet he too was not exempt from death...it is a destination we all will arrive at.

it's that reminder that will sort your priorities and change how you live life. the scare we had with my mom two summer's ago was enough for me. maybe it's age/maturity - but everything surrounding those events caused me to evaluate which relationships are important and why. I can honestly say that that reflection changed my approach in many relationships. Some I completely cut out of my life and others I try and extend as much grace as I can.

there's more I'd like to say but i've not yet processed through it all. just to say that i'm beginning to see things i' not seen before...or rather begun to understand them...some of them good and some of them not so good. so it feels like a season of pruning. don't jump to assumptions here...those in the know, know what I'm talking about.

i'm most grateful for the stable forces in my life...namely my parents, close friends, and Ricardo...their love and support have helped to steady the helm in the midst of rocky storms...

even now, as I adjust into the work world - i'm grateful for their support as I experience growing pains. it's an exciting time because like everyone else - i dont know what the future will bring...

so i continue to live each moment as best i can and to make sure the people i love know how i feel...tomorrow is the Texas Tech vs A & M game. pretty excited about it since my parents will be in town. always enjoy spending time with them!

sleepless night

2011-10-08T02:41:00.001-05:00

a collection

2011-10-05T21:28:00.000-05:00

“Sometimes when you innovate, you make mistakes. It is best to admit them quickly, and get on with improving your other innovations.”

“Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me … Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful… that’s what matters to me.”

“We’ve gone through the operating system and looked at everything and asked how can we simplify this and make it more powerful at the same time.”

“Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren’t used to an environment where excellence is expected.”

“I want to put a ding in the universe.”

“I was worth over $1,000,000 when I was 23, and over $10,000,000 when I was 24, and over $100,000,000 when I was 25, and it wasn’t that important because I never did it for the money.”

“The only problem with Microsoft is they just have no taste. They have absolutely no taste. And I don’t mean that in a small way, I mean that in a big way, in the sense that they don’t think of original ideas, and they don’t bring much culture into their products.”

“My job is to not be easy on people. My job is to make them better.”

“We made the buttons on the screen look so good you’ll want to lick them.”

“Click. Boom. Amazing!”

“You can’t just ask customers what they want and then try to give that to them. By the time you get it built, they’ll want something new.”

“Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works.”

“A lot of companies have chosen to downsize, and maybe that was the right thing for them. We chose a different path. Our belief was that if we kept putting great products in front of customers, they would continue to open their wallets.”

“Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.”

Steve Jobs

One day at a time...

2011-09-28T23:03:00.001-05:00

Living in West Texas has presented me with some harsh challenges. These challenges are called allergies and asthma. Oh joy! The good news is that I'm starting to see some relief in terms of treatment but it's taken some really aggressive measures.

I was set to start my PhD program in October and decided to take a break from educational pursuits. Instead, I've decided to focus on my career and revisit the PhD option in another six months. I've spent the last four years dedicated to educational pursuits so I think a break is necessary.

I've slowly settled into my career/job and have to say that I love what I do. My work environment is amazingly awesome and I work with some really great people that challenge me to be better and teach me something new each day. What more could I ask for?

well just one thing...and that's to be closer to Ricardo...

All about timing, all about timing.

The big news for the moment is getting ready for the oldest nephew's birthday in a few weeks. He's turning 6 and has informed each of us including Ricardo that we need to attend his birthday party! lol...toooooo cute!

They've moved and to protect their anonymity won't say where but just to say its somewhere very familiar. My parents miss them like crazy but at the same time, this move was necessary and in the end beneficial.

Closing in on another weekend and the weather is slowing starting to resemble Fall.

Let the travels begin!

2011-07-30T12:32:00.002-05:00

So I finally realized the one good thing about finally graduuating and entering the "real world" is that you make real money that let's you go on "real" vacations! Now mind you, we're not living the life of luxury but I'd say that staying at the Omni in San Francisco is definitely moving up.

So we're at the airport waiting for our execu-ride to pick us up. Ricardo's flight got delayed in Denver which sorta set off a chain of events which have landed us here at starbuck's. It's quite ok except that here, it's about ten in the morning and we're still on Texas time which is just after noon - so our panza's are growling. We will remedy that shortly.

We have a full but fun itinerary including two baseball games and a tour coupled by some prospects for some great food! Super excited about being here and more excited to cheer my bro on as he runs the marathon! Glad to share this experience with two of my favorite guys!

Will post pics when I get a chance.

nothing like this...

2011-06-04T00:52:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to Sugarland and Rascal Flatts here lately. These last few weeks have been odd in the way of adjusting to a new kind of life. Life beyond education. For the last four years, my life quite literally was dictated by school and that goal.

Having seen the completion of that goal a few weeks ago was a whirlwind of activities. It was great to celebrate but it was in the midst of one party after another. We celebrated my mom's 60th b-day with a successful surprise party! My dad has always emphasized to us to live life in the present. Don't wait until its too late to express how you feel or to share in memories. So we shared with our family and close friends the joy of my mom and her life.

Graduation followed a few short weeks later along with my youngest nephew's bday! Hard to believe he's three now! I've tried to spend more time with them. They teach me more than I thought possible.

Given all the activities, Ricardo and I decided to spend Memorial Weekend in the Hub City. So even though I've lived here for almost two years, I'd not yet been up to Amarillo. So we took a short day trip up to see the Cadillac Ranch and eat dinner at The Big Texan. All in all it was a really good visit (perhaps one of our longer visits) and so I was sad to see him off.

Those two weeks between graduation and Memorial Weekend were a sort of decompression week. So these last few have been about adjusting to life apart from school. No longer in the demands of required readings or projects or even papers, I've turned my focus to applying my education to my job. It was been an interesting journey and what's next and where lay somewhere on the horizon. I'm not sure and while I know decisions will need to be made at some point. For now, I'm happy getting my feet wet and starting a new race. I love what I do and feel I'm in the right place at the right time. Making sure to take advantage of the opportunities and to learn what I need to carry with me to success in the future.

Poison and Wine...

2011-05-24T22:25:00.004-05:00

reflections with smiles

2011-05-21T00:32:00.003-05:00

Finally taking some time to gather my thoughts about the last few weeks. I'd spent the last two years of my life devoted to an accomplishment I thought would never arrive. Yet just like with the guarantee of time passing, it came and it's gone. Time is no respecter of age, race, or position.

I made sure to take a few moments to enjoy and absorb what was happening around me because I knew all too soon the moment would be gone. Of course, there was drama...(chuckles)...I mean when is there not?

I'd decided a while back that I can't really change that (the fact that there will be drama) but can only change how I approach and deal with drama. With Ricardo's help, I've evolved to focus my attention and efforts on the things that really and should matter.

so a little random but i'm gonna take off on a tangent here.

I've written about forgiveness but its been a while since i've visited this subject. I guess I'm revisiting this topic cause sometimes its the hardest thing to do - to forgive. This last year has been somewhat tumultuous, to say the least, and not from the sources I'd normally expect either. If anything, I feel the family foundation I really need has been strengthened and for certain - my relationship with Ricardo has taught me much. (Ricardo's not perfect though some days I think he thinks he is! LOL..just kidding Love!) He's been exactly what I need.

Something about being around him that makes me or allows me to relax! He's calming in a way I don't completely understand but I so desperately need at times. Funny how that works.

hmmm so yeah back to forgiveness. not a concept you tend to learn completely about in one fell swoop. no, this topic is something that evolves over time or at least the understanding of it tends to reveal itself over time. I guess I didn't really understand a conversation I had had with Ricardo mid-summer last year until earlier this evening. Something he said finally clicked. sorta like an "ah ha" moment...ok exactly like an "ah ha" moment.

Graduation - had its fair share of stresses. But Ricardo said to me, "Focus on the things that are important, and enjoy this and celebrate your accomplishment. Don't let anything else get in the way of that." He was so right about that. There are things you can control and there are those things so far from your control...I had to just let them go. I was done spinning my wheels.

So I focused on the things I could do something about. So many people went above and beyond to make graduation what it was...that if something didn't get put out or didn't look the way I envisioned...who really cared? it was all beautiful and was completely amazing, and far better than I could have done myself!

The people that needed to be there were and in the end, I had such a great time! I cant spend my time worry about other people's concerns or drama. no...i want to enjoy life, want to embrace these moments. I can't live my life to please others. Something I learned through graduate school.

I know you're thinking how does business school give you an introspective insight. aren't you learning about crunching numbers and managing others? And to that I say, "exactly." Anytime you deal with others, you thrown in a complexity that is far beyond anything including quantum physics.

So what I learned at Texas Tech was a combination of business skills, understanding about the healthcare industry, and development of critical skills and continuous learning to help me succeed in my career. But I also learned a thing or two about interpersonal relationships and human nature. Not a likely place to learn, I know!

It was my ethics and leadership course that I was challenged to search myself, my beliefs, and values. Not an easy process and I had to deal with some "skeletons in the closet." But I discovered that each of us has the strength and ability to confront our deepest fears. It only takes a bit of courage.

This journey was interesting because for the most part I knew more or less where my values and morals stood...I just never took the time to truly define where those lines are. Those lines may never be truly defined but I at least have a strong foundation to start from. I understand what I value and why and in the end that will be the ethical guiding beacon.

Secondly, even though I knew this, I understood that we truly come from different backgrounds, understanding, and opinions. Whether we can work together is up to the people trying to work together. I think I saw this more drastically when I worked in group. Sure some group members busted their tails to fulfill their obligations, others just flat out bailed, and then you had the quasi - talk about how much work they were doing but really didn't do much but copy from others. Those are the ones you gotta watch out for cause they will sell you out!

Most of us in business school are ambitious and driven and aggressive! I mean that's the reason we're pursuing "higher education." The desire to prove that we can accomplish something. There may be other reasons but in the end, its why we "finish" business school. Given that common goal, its bound to bring about some discomfort and challenges.

So as I was listening to Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler" I realized, yes you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run! Sometimes you gotta hold your ground, sometimes you give in, sometimes you compromise, and sometimes you just gotta get the heck outta dodge! Its the knowing part that is difficult.

In the end, I learned that we're all people wanting to succeed in life. We all have challenges, all have pasts, all have issues that we struggle with...but we're all human - with feelings! (ok some of us I truly wondered about!..thinking maybe it was just one feeling but still...feeling nonetheless)

Lets fast forward. It was during the course of THIS week that I realized i'm on the cusp of something new and exciting. I've spent the last two years working towards this goal and had finally completed it and then had my 90 day evaluation for my new job. Even though it went well - i was still nervous about it. I mean someone is assessing your work and giving you feedback. So its the, am I fulfilling expectations - is my work quality - am I fitting into the culture - do i have what it takes?

i think for the first time in a while, i really understood that there's a whole world of possibilities out there. not that I'm moving to Europe or anything dramatic like that...but really the world is at our fingertips. it comes down to the choices we make. there are many opportunities but its our choice to take advantage of them. to do something with them.

for example, i could've stressed myself to a frenzy over stuff not being done for my graduation dinner...or whatever...but as i went home to change from setting things up and more so on my drive to the Spirit Arena...i took a couple of deep breaths on my 10 minute walk to the tunnel and holding area...I thought...this is a moment to cherish and to relish - a moment to savor. The last two years of my life's work have culminated in this...and culminated in finding a calling for my life that in itself is monumental. I want to celebrate that with my family, friends, and colleagues.

it was almost overwhelming if it hadn't been for my fellow classmates who I immediately saw and caused much excitement! We'd done it! We endured all the weekend classes, last minute changes in projects, Dr Huerta's quality bibles, and crazy schedules and projects...and in the end, we were walking away with not just an education to help us in our careers in healthcare but with something a bit deeper than that. No one understands better the struggles in this accomplishment and the hard work that was required better than my cohorts in my program.

i made some great friends at Tech - friends/colleagues I have no doubt I'll keep in contact with. these are people who impacted my life one way or another...classmates who understood the pain of schedules or projects...or helped me make light of my many trauma's! or told me about their own trauma's helping me see some of my mini-drama's really weren't that bad...it was sharing coffee or sharing scones from sugar brown's. or lunches provided courtesy of Dr Hoffman! and even going through the experience of graduate school...life continued. it didn't stop.

I'm reminded of Andy Grammer's song, "keep your head up"

life wasn't easy. even though my brother was close, we still went through our own growing pains of being in the same city. it's nice to have him around and to do dinner and then be able to go back to our respective houses! while focused on school, we lost an uncle, my mom was hospitalized twice, and there were many other family drama's I'll not delve into. Plus you add in trying to maintain friendships and family relationships and my relationship with Ricardo.

I had to lay out the priorities fast and often had to make tough choices. Lucky for me, Ricardo made so many of those choices easy. He understands the family priority that is important to me and he's generous in our time.

There were lots of times when it woulda been easy to say forget it. I'm tossing in the towel and going back home. But my mom and dad, bro/sis, Ricardo, and friends at every turn would said to me, "don't give up. do what you gotta do - but keep with school" I'm so glad that they did.

This accomplishment wasn't just about me. its about all those who encouraged me and in their own ways supported me while I made a go of it. i don't think i could ever repay my parents for the opportunity to pursue my dreams. i've seen them help each of us (my siblings and I) in our pursuits...and i see that our joy is their joy. words don't do justice to my gratitude for them!

then there's Ricardo...no matter what, he always encouraged me. i'm so grateful that he came into my life when he did...so glad that he's patient and understanding and secure in who he is. i love him for that. that man makes me laugh life no other! and even in moments when I was far too serious...he always helps me to see beyond myself and the moment I sometimes get lost in. he helps me navigate to a place where I can look and see things for what they really are.

so what's next? i've been asked this quite a bit...

i'm awaiting word on a doctoral program. no, not quiting my job but will work and completely my doctoral program at the same time. and yes, there's a logic to it all. i love my job and continue to learn something new each day. i cant say that i'll be there for an extended or even a short period of time...just that i'll be there until I realize it's time for me to not be there anymore. i'm just excited to be working with some great colleagues and mentors. it's a perfect place for me to be.

so what about forgiveness that I mentioned above?

i've learned that forgiveness often isnt for the benefit of the person we are forgiving but for our own forgiveness...because when we let anger and hurt linger without moving on to forgiveness, it leads to bitterness...and bitterness that leaves a bad taste not only in your own mouth but the mouth of others. it robs us of joy, robs us of the ability to truly celebrate the meaningful things in life, robs us of seeing beauty in everyday moments.

i don't want that life...dont want to spend life angry about things i cant control. i want to spend my time soakin in beautiful moments and enjoying life with those that i love...would rather spend my time trying to make this a better place and contribute positively to my community - to give something back that was given to me.

that's where i'm focusing my energies these days. i've seen far too many people dwell in the place of "what if's" and "if only's" coupled by resentment, anger, and bitterness. shrouded in past resentments often bars us from seeing truth and living in the moment. it causes us to rush through the moments in life we should let linger and soak in. forgiveness is the starting point on the road to healing and recovery...that's all i'm saying...

i'm sure that i have more to stay but its late and i have to be up early with my nephews...they have a tradition with my parents to eat pancakes together on sat morning. they've spent the night with us (i'm visiting) so it'll be pancakes bright and early cause they do not sleep in! LOL...i love those boys. they bring much joy to my life and are sweet and sour all in one! excited to hear "Mimi get up" at 7am on a saturday! they really are too cute and if anything - they remind me how awesome it is to get excited about the little things...like when the ice cream truck comes down our street!

oh and i do have a few trips on the books. it's the one perk of having a real job. you get vacations and get paid while you're on them! LOL

decisions....decisions...

2011-05-18T22:18:00.000-05:00

I call it love...

2011-04-18T23:55:00.001-05:00

hard to believe we're heading into week three of April! I did a Timothy scream and was like "AH!" the next few days are going to be a bit crazy. have to finish writing a few papers plus class...and decorating for a party this weekend...and dinner with the family for my mom's bday. trying to get everything taken care of but between school, graduation, and everything else...it's been...uhhhh well "manic"? maybe?

either way, I'm ready for Timmy time...I supposed thursday night I'll be sleeping on a twin bed with my nephew. it's the simple things in life that mean that most. like how he talks to me whispering right before he goes to sleep. he's too cute...and I owe him some solid one on one time.

i'll be glad when things slow for a bit.

working with a few organizations and working on some new initiatives.

loving my job. feel like it was the right thing at the right time. love what I do and love my industry. strange to me how a series of decisions have led me to here...not sure where i'll be in the year to come, but i'm ok with that.

I'm happy to be in the moment and to absorb as much as I possibly can. more interested in living in the now than looking forward to the future.

however...i have to get through the next few weeks of classes. i've got three case studies, movie exam, book critique, and final exam left....not to mention a group paper and presentation that will be completed by next tues.

there's not enough time in the day...

i keep reminding myself that eventually it'll be over and i'll be wondering what to do with my time. to me...that's Heaven! lol...

so hadnt watched much tv and what tv I do watch is dvr'd. why do i have cable? oh yeah cause I need my DVR! lol....

all i can say is that i'm looking forward to a quite and relaxing memorial weekend with Ricardo...the man is amazing. who else would help me find something i'm looking for at a craftstore - to which is not his favorite place in the world! that's what i call love...

so i'm working on a top secret project - after this weekend - i'll be able to talk more about it. just hopin that everything goes according to plan.

It'll be nice to have the family together for Easter Weekend especially since my mom's bday is friday. having a nice quiet family dinner on saturday.

once again - I had more to say but am tired...and have an early morning. attending a board meeting during the lunch hour. always on the go, always on the go!

listenin in...

2011-04-07T23:38:00.007-05:00

cupcakes and wind

2011-02-27T00:03:00.001-06:00

I've been diggin on Marsha Ambrosius's music lately... i even pre-ordered her album which releases on Tues.

the weeks are now going by very quickly...i'm starting to settle into a quasi-routine at least where school is concerned. have a few trips on the books but spending any free-time I have planning parties.

time is definitely flying by. in fact after next week, i'll have been at my job for a month (AH)! I can't believe its been a month but I can say I love what I do and am very happy where I'm at.

as for school, well....i love it but this is a challenging semester with lots of reading. my living room is strewn with books and assigned readings (printed). it's kinda crazy...oh and party supplies...they're in a corner collecting until I need them.

Right now, I'm just trying to keep up with the readings, writing, and research. oh and working on a fundraiser for the clinic where I interned at. very much excited about that!

so there's alot going on right now. making a lot of changes and decisions. not easy ones but necessary. I've begun to see that were some areas of my life are concerned, I've become jaded. not angry upset but just at the point where I'm starting to not care....kinda like you go through the same thing enough times, it starts to not affect you or rather you become numb to it...i can say that's not a good thing cause sometime after is usually when i move on...in some ways its better....others may not be so great.

ambiguity - i know. but necessary.

so this party planning. great golly miss molly. lots of work. figured out what my theme's gonna be and ordered invites. speakin of - i get to order graduation invitations at my graduation fair this week. super stoked about that!

Too long....too much....

2011-02-23T23:31:00.000-06:00

I was hoping to improve on the time lapse between posts....when I last posted, I'd just gotten the news about Tia Nena. Can't believe that its gonna be three weeks.

I thought life had gotten crazy before but I wasn't adequately prepared for the change of events even though I tried to mentally prepared for what was to come. I accepted a job offer a few weeks earlier. I knew balancing school and work was gonna be tough...but that was an understatement.

It's been grueling. Most of my free time is spent reading or writing papers...

In no way am I complaining cause I really do love my job...it's just going through the learning curve of balancing the two. I'm now 16 weeks into school and the work is starting to pile up! in fact on that note...i gotta get back to a paper...this is gonna be my life for the next few days.....

no guarantees

2011-02-04T01:25:00.000-06:00

tonight I write a bit conflicted.

today has been a crazy day. the weather has wreaked havoc across Texas and I thought I'd be headed to my home town tomorrow but roads wont be thawed out by then. I may be leaving saturday morning.

there's lots going on. more than I care to share tonight but there is one topic heavy on my mind. it's caused me to re-think alot of aspects of my life.

i got a call from a good friend late this afternoon letting me know that his tia had passed away. from all appearances it would seem that I'd be concerned for my friend but it goes much deeper than that. in fact, my concern is for the entire family that lovingly took me in, in a time of need while living in San Antonio.

all of this was a long time ago and though some relationships have changed, i maintained friendships/brotherhood with Bert and Manny. they looked out for me when I lived in San Antonio. Took care of thing my dad would normally take care of and they taught me the backroads of San Antonio so that if I ever got lost I could get "unlost." and so during my time, these two boys (now men) because like brothers to me.

there have been riffs and disagreements along the way, but their Tia Elena played a unique role in my life. I dont think I understood what that was until I reflected on her part in my life tonight. You see, she gave me nurturing and love when I needed it most. when I was away from my family and unsure what to do, when lifee threw me questions I didnt know how to answer or what to do: she in her gentle but firm voice gave way to wisdom and reason. she maintained a light on my path that allowed me to remain open to my faith despite all the things I thought were happening around me.

while living in san antonio my life crumbled around me in so many very different ways and when I returned back home the summer of 2002, very much crushed and broken in spirit, i didnt know if i'd survive. what i didnt realize is that Tia Elena planted something in me...she sowed a seed that would in its own time germinate and grow into something beautiful. it was only with the passing of time and the living of life that I could truly appreciated and understand what she deposited in my life.

i consider her a mentor and pillar of faith in my own walk. i saw her live out her words and her faith...there were those that had their doubts but never Tia Elena...she held on to the promises God gave her and trusted Him to be her strength.

I looked through pictures of her and in everyone she has that glowing smile...and behind the smile - there is a peace....a peace that passes all understanding that we all know only comes from God...comes from walking hand and hand with Him, in having faith and complete trust....that is how I knew and know Tia Elena....she had a childlike faith and trusted no matter how painful that all things work to the good of those that love and trust and follow the Lord. That is her legacy and her life....that she ran the race and in the end was received by the Father with the words "well done my child, you have run the race well, you have finished, and you are home."

Just the short time I spent with Tia Elena and her family, I came to realize just how close and tight the family was and is. It's something I always and continue to respect and when I think of what family should it, it is the example I look to. No matter what, they are there for one another. So I know that they hurt in missing her presence but because of their faith, I know they rejoice in knowing that Jesus is her home.

I'm not able to be with them as they celebrate her life...but even still her life speaks to mine. It is a reminder that our days are numbered that life is frail and that we must be grateful for every moment of life.

Life is but a vapor.

She loved her family and she loved God and to her dying breath I know that she gave Him glory for her life.

For all that she taught me, prayed for me, shared with me...I am ever grateful. She is sown into the frabic of who I am and what I believe about God. She taught me about being hospitable and what it is to love unconditionally. She wasnt without faults but she was honest about them.

She was like the tree planted by the streams of water. She was gentle and she was firm...and she was strong in faith and we can will all rest in knowing that the day will come when we will see her again and rejoice together the miracles and work of God the Father.

There is something to be said about love...true love...and I go back to what I know about it.

3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

The Message
1 Corinthian 13:4-8
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.

It's caused me to think about the way I love others.

Yes, I love technology

2011-02-03T00:14:00.002-06:00

I can't take credit for today's subject. It evolved from a conversation evoked by an observation by my brother. I dont remember exactly what we were talking about...oh wait....i remember now.

we were talking about "back-in-the-day" songs and how if you wanted to buy your favorite song, you'd hope and pray that they (record labels) released the single cassette recording otherwise you'd have to buy the whole album.

remember those? cassette singles.

they were like $1.99 and instead of having to buy the whole album or recording your jam off the radio while hopin the DJ didn't interrupt (the TRUE mix-tape), you could buy your single on cassette....downloading it or buying it off of itunes or zoomin' through your playlist via a wheel didnt exist....no, this was true old school technology at its best.

it was the days of the walkman, where to save your batteries, if you needed to rewind you'd take your tape and use a pencil to rewind it. The pencil would catch the wheel groves in the tape and you'd swirl it around until it was at the beginning cause if not...you'd run out of batteries. I don't know about your mom and dad buy mine only bought so many batteries during a single time frame.

those were the glory days of pre-technology....

in fact, I remember buying my first vinyl record. It was my fifth birthday present from my mom. she took me down to the music store in the mall and I picked it out. I was super excited to go home and play it on my strawberry shortcake record player. my brother would later acquire a Michael Jackson record player. and if your needle broke - you were outta luck!

i remember for my 6th birthday, my mom took me down to Woolworths to buy my first "radio walkman." It didnt come with a cassette player cause those wouldn't be invented for a few years yet. I went home and was riding my bike in the backyard listening to Tina Turner's "what's love got to do with it?" I was only six and I too was wondering what does love got to do with it? I mean I was only six...

but I kept riding my bike until the battteries ran out, it got dark, or my mom called me in to eat dinner...

those were "simpler times" as G-Lo would say.

So my brother poignantly reminded me that the mall was where it was at. he said, "you had to buy your cassettes at the mall, the movie theater was at the mall, and if you wanted to play cool video games, you had to do it at the arcade" then he said (this one cracked me up)..."and the girls were at the mall...the mall is where it went down."

yes, my bff and I spent many a hours roaming the mall - she was scoping out the boys - i have no clue what i was doing - tagging along probably...or buying earrings at Claires. lol

But my brother brought up something so true....the mall is where social interactivity occurred. its where we'd meet up with our friends and have dessert at el chico's or eat at pizza hut...or get a corn dog from corn dog 7..or buy Hello Kitty paraphernalia at Small Worlds...cookies at coastal cookies (which still exists) or different flavored popcorn at the popcorn store (I think it was popcorn paradise)...or chocolate dipped ice cream bars dipped in sprinkles or peanuts at old time lemonade or catch a movie at the movie theater.

those were the days....

now-a-days...kids game online...buy their music online...they tweet or facebook, "Facebook me." and the last time i saw a movie at a mall was at Northpark in Dallas. Most movie theaters are standalone.

don't get me wrong i'm not anti-social mediums or anything...I have a twitter account and facebook account and have managed to stay connected to many friends i'd lost contact with over the years thanks to facebook. in fact, that's how Ricardo came back into my life.

but i notice there's a certain social dysfunction in society that did not exist 10 years ago..like having a conversation with someone without them picking up their phone to check their facebook, or answer a text, or read an email....

i find myself doing the same and have to remind myself to put my phone away...to give the person i'm with my complete attention. I thought the invention of Cd's was the coolest thing ever cause I could fast forward without a pencil!

I also have to remind myself that just because someone posts something on their facebook doesn't mean I really know that person or know what they mean. for some reason, we think that because we read what a person posts that we really know them. there's an element of in person connectivity that we seem to miss and so we aren't quite as adept at reading people in person as I think we should be. like reading body language or facial expressions.

maybe skype and video chat/ichat will change all of that but....hiding behind a medium seems safer to some. you can present your best side forward so to speak without fear that someone will see beneath. and in a sense it allows us to have control over what people perceive and see/read.

is that where we are headed? who knows....

all i know is that there's nothing like sitting and having a face to face with the people you care about sitting in a coffee shop or restaurant. watching their expressions and being in that person's midst, you catch their vibe in a way you can't with online mediums.

personally, i prefer the face to face and the next time my phone rings or txt message chirps, i'll remember there was a time when communicating so quickly wasn't possible...and the next time i travel with my ipod, i'll remember there was also a time when i'd have to carry a huge case with all my cd's/cassettes in it...and now...a little box with a wheel is all i need to enjoy my music!

my, my, my how time flies....

Hello 2011

2011-01-05T01:56:00.001-06:00

This one comes a little late as we are now five days into 2011. I spent the last five days in Austin with Ricardo both celebrating the New Year and celebrating our one year anniversary. Yes, Jan 3rd marked our first year together.

This last year of my life has honestly been one of the hardest, most rewarding, and most lessons learned kind of year. It was laden with an interesting journey facing many challenges, lots of growth - learning - developing, and gaining understanding in many new areas.

At the end of 2009, I had no idea that I would embark on a new path in a relationship. I knew that something was imminent but I didn't anticipate being in a relationship at the start of 2010...but the opportunity presented itself and both Ricardo and I took a leap of faith as we embarked on the journey of our new relationship.

As all relationships, the beginning was bliss...and for a while we were very much sheltered and protected from outside elements. Mainly because we created our own unique space in which to protect our relationship in. As we introduced others into our relationship and presented "us" to the world we faced new challenges. Looking back, I think we handled the interjections quite well. I attribute that to both of us being head strong but have seen that Ricardo has a strong understanding of who he is. it's some thing i see more and more when we're together.

i love him for that....

then...i faced family crisis/drama...not quite sure what to call it and in the process of that I came to a crossroads of discovering what's really important to me and why. Ricardo remained a strong rock through out it all and endured some of my emotional outbursts as I wrestled with decisions, finding resolution, and coming to closure.

Fall found us in a new place and as I struggled with making decisions that would affect my future...how i dealt with conflict spilled over into my personal relationships. A few years ago, I decided I wanted healthy relationships in my life and I've made conscientious efforts to move in that direction. I believe Ricardo contributes to my life in this way. He's helped me work through resolving conflict and managing it in a healthy manner.

The holiday's always place odd strains on relationships but most especially when its a "first time" scenario sort of thing. Thanksgiving found me dealing with skeletons in the closet so to speak and just the challenge of resolving my feelings towards certain circumstances. I cant say I dealt with them successfully but can say that the that process taught me some really valuable lessons. Lessons, I'll carry forward with me.

So as I approached the Christmas holiday season I was determined to approach it with an open mind. I was spending my first holiday with Ricardo's family and vice versa. We decided to wait to spend holiday's with each others family for a whole lot of reasons. We've done some birthdays, family events, etc...but nothing super extended. In the end, I enjoyed the time we spent with each others family's.

The time off (break from school) allowed me the time I needed to sort through the remaining issues...just facing the realizations of life in terms of school, career, and family. I've been juggling all three of these aspects but in terms of family I juggle my time between Ricardo and my family. Early in our relationship, I had a discussion with my mom about my time and where my choice would be to spend it. My family will always be my family but Ricardo and I have this one unique opportunity to invest in each other to make this relationship work.

So in the end, I'm very happy with the choice I've made...happy that Ricardo has remained committed and that we are now looking at 2011 with anticipation and great hope. I cant imagine having anyone else by my side as I finish up my graduate work. He's been beyond supportive and always encouraged me in accomplishing my dreams and I can say that I feel the same for him and know that in life the time will come when he will choose to pursue his own dreams and I hope that I'll be just as, if not more supportive of him as he has been of me.

I'm on the brink of having to make major career decisions with several interviews on the horizon and I know this year will bring lots of change...but its change that is good and exciting. Each year has been sweeter than the year before so 2007 was the year of new beginnings and embarking on a life long dream...2008 brought commitment to the dream, 2009 brought the reward of finishing, going to Italy, then moving on to the next part of the dream, 2010 brought lots of work and great rewards in my personal life with the entrance of Ricardo....and as we celebrated the arrival of 2011, I realized just how incredibly blessed/lucky I am to have him in my life.

life is about finding balance...balance applies to many areas of life and I can say that Ricardo brings balance to mine. So grateful for him...grateful for how he helps me to see things from a new perspective and challenges me to be better than i am...but i'm most grateful that he allows me to just be me....

I have high hopes for 2011 and am continuing to work hard knowing that you ALWAYS reap what you sow..i'm starting to see the fruits of work begun in 2007. I'm excited to see what this year will bring and while 2010 may have been challenging...I can say that the lessons learned are invaluable and I will take with me throughout my life.

My resolution for 2011 is to embrace life and to attempt to live each moment to its fullest....whether its reading a book for a paper, or spending a quite moment with my love, Ricardo....to making career choices....I know that all good things come in their own timing.

so hello 2011....i'm ready to see what you will bring!

Life Lesson #3

2011-01-05T00:12:00.000-06:00

Life Lesson #3: Passion and the hard things in life I was sitting in a field on Shelby Farm in Memphis, TN with some very close friends. The year was 2000 and we had traveled from Texas to attend an event. It was there that I heard something that caught my attention and forever changed my life. So I share with you now, the words spoken by John Piper to thousands of college students.

You don't have to know a lot of things for your life to make a lasting difference in the world. But you do have to know the few great things that matter, and then be willing to live for them and die for them. The people that make a durable difference in the world are not the people who have mastered many things, but who have been mastered by a few great things. If you want your life to count, if you want the ripple effect of the pebbles you drop to become waves that reach the ends of the earth and roll on for centuries and into eternity, you don't have to have a high IQ or EQ; you don't have to have to have good looks or riches; you don't have to come from a fine family or a fine school. You have to know a few great, majestic, unchanging, obvious, simple, glorious things, and be set on fire by them.

But I know that not everybody in this crowd wants your life to make a difference. There are hundreds of you - you don't care whether you make a lasting difference for something great, you just want people to like you. If people would just like you, you'd be satisfied. Of if you could just have good job with a good wife and a couple good kids and a nice car and long weekends and a few good friends, a fun retirement, and quick and easy death and no hell - if you could have that (minus God) - you'd be satisfied. THAT is a tragedy in the making.

I’ll read to you from Reader's Digest (Feb. 2000, p. 98) what a tragedy is: "Bob and Penny... took early retirement from their jobs in the Northeast five years ago when he was 59 and she was 51. Now they live in Punta Gorda, Florida, where they cruise on their 30 foot trawler, play softball and collect shells." The American Dream: come to the end of your life - your one and only life - and let the last great work before you give an account to your Creator, be "I collected shells. See my shells." THAT is a tragedy. And people today are spending billions of dollars to persuade you to embrace that tragic dream. And I get forty minutes to plead with you: don't buy it.

I look out on you as sons and daughters and I plead with you: Want your lives to count for something great and for eternity. Want this. Don't coast through life without a passion. But whatever you do, find your passion and find your way to say it and live for it and die for it. And you will make a difference that lasts.

So what are the things that I’m passionate about?

I’ll name a few: helping others, overcoming challenges, learning something new, and developing relationships that are meaningful. There’s no wonder that these ideals have guided my way in life. Unknowing, the roads I’ve pursued in life have moved me closer to my life’s mission of making a difference in my world.

When you pursue something with passion, you have no other choice but to throw fear out the window. You may be scared to try something new but it’s your passion that pushes you to leap over the ledge to that new endeavor or opportunity.

For me taking that leap of faith was going back to school which led to a month long trip to Italy/Greece. That trip gave me the courage I needed to make the decision to move and attend grad school at Texas Tech in which I chose a concentration in healthcare where I feel I’ve found my niche, my calling, my passion: healthcare. For example, improving healthcare delivery processes such as improving wait times so that patients have shorter wait times gives me an opportunity to make a difference. Being involved and helping my community by working with Federally Qualified Health Centers or non-profit clinics lets me work indirectly with those who need the most help by improving and giving access to affordable healthcare. I have the opportunity to engage and overcome challenges by developing strategies in the current environment of healthcare. This ever changing industry offers me a chance to learn something new each because the industry is ever evolving and changing just as the world does. My internship experience combines parts and pieces of all my work experiences. I can see now the once empty canvas of my life being painted into a magnificent portrait; stroke by stroke.

If I had been fearful and decided to stay where I was, I would have missed out on all the beautiful opportunities afforded to me such as meeting a group of diverse people through my graduate program or finding my niche in healthcare. I may have found my niche but that road may have been longer and more difficult to find. Don’t be afraid to do the hard things in life. Pursuing your passion and attempting the difficult tasks requires risk but as they say, "No risk, no reward." The rewards are well-worth the risk. If I fail, I can always say I tried and that I gave it my best effort. Even if the outcomes are different from what I expect, the intrinsic reward of learning through the process is priceless.

I believe if you pursue your passion and attempt the hard things in life: “You will make a difference that lasts.”

Life Lesson #2

2010-12-30T23:00:00.000-06:00

Life Lesson #2: “Father knows best”

Who hasn’t heard the term “Father knows best”? When I say this phrase, I’m talking in a figurative sense more than a literal one. I consider myself blessed to have an active father who has given me wisdom and direction throughout my life. My dad helped me with my science projects, changed out the brake pads on my first car, and hugged me when my feelings were hurt. His impact isn’t just about what he’s done for me, it includes the simple conversations on the way to school or a family vacation where he shared his views, shared his life’s journey with me. I was given a special place in his story: not only was I privileged to hear about his life happenings, but I was privy to a front row seat, watching his life played out like a movie on a big screen. It’s a rare thing to see someone’s life so up-close and to see words matched to action but that is how I’ve seen my dad’s life.

There are many words my dad has spoken to me. He’s never been one to tell me “this is what you need to do” But instead, his approach has been a gentle one. “If I were you, these are the things I’d consider…,” he’d say. He was never pushy, never overbearing, and never intrusive.

Even in moments when he’d offer a warning and I decided to go my own route and failed, he never gave me an “I told you so.” Instead, he gave me the freedom to learn on my own and he offered what he had willingly as I requested.

I consider myself doubly blessed because in addition to my dad, I also have mentors in my life, who impart wisdom in so many ways and throughout important key times in my life. For example, on one occasion I wasn’t sure about taking a promotion so I sat down with a close family friend who helped me weigh the pros and cons. Even as recent as last week, a healthcare mentor offered to sit down with me and provide some insight on a healthcare case I’m presenting at a case competition. Sometimes the words they offer are specific to situations or circumstances and sometimes they are just general to life.

The point isn’t that they’ve decided to share. Instead, the point is that I’ve chosen to listen.

A friend gave me a quote that states: “Wisdom is learning from experience, preferably your own.”

That quote has had a profound effect on my life and in how I approach life’s lessons. Not only did it affect how I approach my own life lessons but other’s life lessons, as well. It’s impacted how I select mentors in my life because you must be diligent in the selection of those you empower to have voice in your life. If your mentor’s intentions are wrong, they could potentially mislead you in life’s journey. Instead, you have to find those that genuinely love you, care about you, and wish to see you do well in this “crazy thing” called life.

After a relatively short-time of living life, I’ve learned that it is much easier to navigate roads lit with street lights. I liken mentors to the street lights in the road of life. They aren’t there to tell you which way to go. They exist to shed light on the road you’re traveling on. Be willing to learn and give place to mentors in your life so that when you travel, your road is as well lit as possible.

Life Lessons

2010-12-29T14:28:00.002-06:00

With the onset of a new year, I decided to post something I developed in grad school titled "Life Lessons." It's a series of three life lessons that provides lumination to the path of my core values. So today, I share Life Lesson #1.

Once again, I find myself in unfamiliar territory with new faces and new places. I’m navigating through new terrain making sense of the winds of change that have blown me to West Texas. Starting a new journey is never easy but no matter where I go or what I do,  I carry with me three major life lessons that continue to resonate throughout my voyage. When the going gets tough, I revert to these lessons and without fail, in a short time, find I’m pulling myself up by the boot straps better able to face any trial or situation.

Life Lesson #1: Hard work always pays off

I had just gotten off the phone with my admissions counselor who delivered both the good and the bad news.  The good news was that I had been accepted to Angelo State University. The bad news, however, was that after all the back-and-forth between not one, not two, but multiple schools, my indecisiveness had caught up to me. My dad told me as a little girl that “you always reap what you sow” and I saw this coming to fruition with a 2.18 GPA.

"How did I allow this to happen?" I thought to myself. I’m a bright, smart girl who finished high school with honors as a Texas Scholar and a 4.0 GPA.

But here I am several years later with a diverse work history behind me and little education to show for it. Angelo State was not my first choice but due to circumstances outside of my control, it was my only choice. So those first few years I loathed my position. Instead of taking advantage of it, I threw those opportunities down the proverbial toilet.

Approaching the end of my twenty’s, I started to realize I would never advance to a position where I could realize my full potential without a college degree. It was in that moment that I decided my only option was to roll up my sleeves and get to work. This time it was different. I had a plan and I was determined. I knew I didn’t have the option of playing around and so semester by semester; Dean’s List by Dean’s List; I worked hard to slowly improve my GPA.

One of my life-long dreams was to visit Italy: something about the landscape and the history that enamored me. Naturally when I found out about the study abroad program, my eyes lit up. “What a great opportunity,” I thought until I saw the requirements. My current GPA wasn’t enough to get me into the program, but it was still summer and I felt my summer grades could be enough to push me into the realm of meeting requirements. I diligently worked on my application, updated my resume, and put my best foot forth.

My summer grades were in the process of being posted when I was notified I got an interview for the program! My luck was turning; or so I thought. The interview went great and then another month went by without notice. I contacted the Program Director to inquire and was told the program was waiting to review my fall grades which were to be posted within the next few weeks.

Would it be enough to gain me admissions into the program?

I was very nervous because by then I had discovered over 200 students had applied and only 45 were given interviews. After the interviews, only 20 undergraduate and 7 graduate students would be accepted into the program. So my odds were approximately 1 in 10 and not favorable.

It was just a few weeks before Christmas and since it was winter break, I wasn’t in the habit of checking my school email. On that day for some reason, I decided to check. I noticed that I had several messages one of them sent that very morning from the Program Director. My heart started racing and pounding and I sat there staring at the screen for what felt like eternity. Not wanting to open the email for fear it would contain the news I did not want to hear and then wanting to open it simply to find out.

I was oscillating and the suspense inside was building. I thought I might have a heart attack when I heard a familiar click. I didn’t even realize it but I had double-clicked on the email causing it to opening. I didn’t want to look but there was the message staring me in the face. So I briefly scanned the email but was so nervous I couldn’t make out what it said.

So slowly, I began reading line by line. I got to the part that said, “After reviewing your application and considering your interview, I’m please to extend to you an invitation to participate in the 2009 Italy/Greece Study abroad program.” The remainder of the email was logistics and as far as I knew read, “blah, blah, blah!” It was then that it hit me. I screamed, got out of my seat, and jumped up and down like a crazy woman! “I was in!” was all I could say when I called my parents to give them the news.

Not only did I receive acceptance into the program but I was awarded a full scholarship which paid for everything except for $1,000 in tuition. When I received my summer financial aid award, I discovered I was given $1,000 in a grant which would cover my remaining tuition fees. It was a perfect graduation gift. I’d walk in the May commencement with my last six hours obtained through the Italy/Greece summer program. After spending a month in Italy and Greece, I’d come home to my degree and a 3.17 GPA! What a perfect way to end my undergraduate career!

I have never felt more proud of my hard work. I’d witnessed that indeed hard work reaps rewards and benefits. Sometimes these benefits are tangible and sometimes they’re intangible.

Luckily for me, this reward was tangible and fulfilled a life-long dream!

Premature panic

2010-12-29T01:19:00.000-06:00

i've been debating about whether or not to post this one. its late and i should be asleep especially since i was up so early this morning. i had an odd dream which woke me at 6am and left me in a state of sadness. so my dilemna relates to how do i discuss the dream without giving all the particulars.

its going to be a vague description and with a disclaimer: do not to try and decipher what situation i'm talking about.

ok so as many of you know, there have been a lot of dramatic events in my life. some brought on by my own actions and some by the actions of others. in this dream i was reunited with a group of people. in fact i didnt understand the significance of the dream until i was listening to my ipod later...the whole dream left me in a funk.

ok back to the dream...so i was reunited with this group of people to talk about where we were in terms of today since whatever happened so many years ago. i hadnt been with this group of people in quite a while so it was really awkward and the reunion happened very much like real world or road rules reunion but instead of being televised it was being broadcast on the radio. so our listening audience couldnt actually see what was transpiring.

so in the dream, i was the character that everyone was waiting to see reactions in terms of my appearance. our host of the radio program introduced me and i was seated oppostie part of the group. it was weird awkward and the first question asked, the host asked me what i had learned since going our separate ways...i remember starting to tell him how back then i was unable to see how truly talented those individuals are....and to see what was in front of me but that it had been one of the best experiences of my life. at that point mid-sentence two of the guest got up and packed a bag and left...shaking my hand, refusing to hug me before leaving.

it stung...and i realized that no matter what i had learned from the experience the damage done due to actions and not thinking through the situation were the consequences of what i was experiencing in the present. and so they left without explanation leaving a stunned studio.

it was at that point i woke up to a wet face not realizing that while i was crying in my dream i was crying in my sleep in the physical.

the whole dream sequence was jarring...and yes left me very puzzled like why now after all this time.

then while i was contemplating the whole thing, "apololgize" by one republic came on the ipod. it was too late to apologize for the things i've done or said and no matter how much i tried...things would never ever be the same. does it make me sad? yes...but i think it serves as a poignant lesson today.

no matter how much i want to act out foolishly, i go back to this understanding that some actions/words carry us across the "too late" line. yes, sometimes in relationships we can take things to a point of no return. then where do you go from there?

ive tried to remember this in regards to my own actions and words and understanding. i think thats why i often want to set things right so quickly after i know i have erred. i dont want to hear the words, its too late to apologize.

so why all of this now?

just reminded me why grace and mercy are so imperative to my relationships of today. relationships are a two way street and there's nothing you can do to implore to other party to give or be present in the relationship the way you really want.

in the last few weeks, ive gotten back on track in terms of my own personal development. focusing on the things i need to do to better myself as a person. not an easy feat by any means but at the same time, i have to know i gave everything i could to succeed.

ive learned more about myself in this last semester...learned that the fighter in me still strives on...and that im not one to give less than 110%...just not in my nature. im not always completely successful but im working on gleaning as much as i can from any stituation/relationship to carry that knowledge with me into the next situation/relationship.

in short, the last few weeks have been about preservation and redesign. seems odd because none of it is a derivative of drama or crisis...just a natural evoluation in the state of things..

2010 has been amazing. some of the hardest and greatest situations i have ever faced and while 2011 is fast approaching...im doing what i can to soak up the last moments of 2010. to savor the beauty of quiet moments of time spent with friends and loved ones and to give what i can as necessary.

Ricardo and I will celebrate our one year anniversary come early next week....its a beautiful way to welcome 2011...i know this next year will bring alot of changes...but i can honestly say im not scared and ready to embrace what life will bring...im holdin on tight, not letting go...

so i started the year with a new beginning and am ending it with one as well...only fitting to say hello to the new beginning.

hello....

2010-12-23T01:27:00.000-06:00

ok so i'm headed to Austin later this morning to see Ricardo and spend Christmas Eve with him as his family. I know you're thinking, Kenny Rogers? what is up with that...but there's a story behind it. Just had to post it because it totally cracked me up. As for the second video....this song had been on my brain for like two days and I couldnt remember the words...and then I finally remembered part and was able to pick out the song from there....so here it is...I discovered I need more 80's music....will remedy that after the new year. for now...its snoozeville...up bright and early!

The best show ever!

2010-12-18T01:57:00.000-06:00

Alright...so this blog pays homage to two of my best friends. My most recent one and my bff from junior high. This posting is a departure from my usual posts...and definitely far from my last post. But bear with me...this is kinda where I'm at right now.

Surrounded by friends and family and loved ones, so I only feel it's completely appropriate. You may choose to disagree...thats ok. The whole reason for this blog is because my awesome boyfriend bought me tickets to see New Kids on the Block and Back Street Boys in June. I saw New Kids on the Block with my best friend, Angie, about two years ago in Dallas...and well I just need to talk about that experience! LOL.

ok so my bff, Smange, as I call her - and I were attending the show in Dallas with my cousin and some of her friends. My cousin, Jenn, who basically grew up with me is more like a sister than a cousin. So I can remember dancing in my living room watching MTV to New Kids videos like "dance party USA" style. Yes, we were dorks...that's not the point. so when we got a chance to go as adults, we jumped on that gravin train like it was the last stop to paris! LOL.

simply because, we had mexican mamas and there was no way they were going to take us to a New Kids concert when we were kids. in fact, i dont think I ever remember either of them going out of town by themselves. odd...but anyhow...back to the story...so no concerts for us when they were young.

the announcement of that tour and new album was like..."dude we have to go!" so we got tickets and were on our way.

my bff, Smange, and I got a parking pass across from the venue and arrived early to check out Lady Gaga (who at the time, we had no clue who that was), and Natasha Bedingfield. Now, I will note that alot of these ladies seemed our age or older! and so many of them were sportin their 80's/90's New Kids buttons and denim jackets and 80's garb...it was hilarious...

Smange and I looked at each other, who were dressed semi-trendy for the 2000's(LOL!), and gave each other the "oh no she didn't" look.

so lady Gaga comes on and we noted that she needed a longer skirt...then Natasha and we both like her music...so we were bobbin our heads along to her music...some ladies were standing and dancing to her songs...and we noted very few men...who were either gay (not meant in a derogatory tone) or were forced to attend by significant other.

(didnt I write about this experience before?)

ok so back to the story. the house lights suddenly went out and outta the speaker box barks a deep voice along with music...ARE - YOU - REA-DY? and so by this point everyone is on their feet and starting to cheer....and just about that time...stage lights go up and the crowd goes wild and I'm wanting to go wild but since my BFF and I had been playing it cool..thought if I go crazy am I going to look like a huge dork? so I'm just about to turn to my BFF to note her reaction, when I see that she threw caution to the wind and was going NUTS, screaming and jumpin up and down...and so I tossed my arms up on the air in resignation and thought "what the heck?" and joined in!!! LOL...

OMG - that was seriously the most fun I had ever had at a show! We sang along, cheered, jumped up and down, danced...had a seriously awesome time. We were in the car and said to each other "no one will ever be able to understand this experience except for those who were there!" lol...

So when my boyfriend offered me a chance to see them again! I jumped at it...and so that is how my junior high bestie, Jackie, enters this picture...she and I had gone our separate ways and through some Divine intervention she has re-entered my life. Its been a great and awesome thing and I really love her like my sister. So she and I will be catching New Kids and Back Street Boys in June. We saw John Mayer in Houston at the end of the summer and had a great time. I can only imagine what this show will be like!

I gotta say, its amazing to have her back in my life...she knows my family really well...and there's something about having someone in your life that know so much of your history. They understand where you come from and why you are who you are today. The same can be said of my boyfriend, Ricardo. He knows where I've come from and why I am who I am today. You dont have to give any back story or explain in details...they've seen you live life in that way and were witnesses to what you've become.

Now for me...both Jackie and Ricardo were absent for a portion of my life and re-entered here recently...but they still captured a part of my life that has significance.

As for Jackie, omg....we have some seriously random conversations. She's honest...about as honest as anyone can get. She doesn't front and tells you like it is. I appreciate that in a number of ways. And we have lots and lots of memories together. We did go to junior high and high school together. so I think its only fitting to attend this show with her!

I've been listening to the old stuff from New Kids and some of the new stuff....nostalgic! LOL

alright...so now that i'm totally pumped about a show that is more than 6 months away....on the agenda this week is to finish up christmas preparations..and get ready to spend Christmas with family and friends.

going to Austin to spend Christmas Eve with Ricardo's family and then, he and I are headed back to West Texas to spend time with my family. This is our first Christmas and I'm very excited that we get to spend it together. We decided to do Thanksgiving solo with each of our families so this will be something new! Excited to share these last few moments with Ricardo as we started 2010 together! Quite literally...our official first date was Jan 1, 2010! I love him deeply and am so glad that he's a part of my life!

Sleep is on this agenda for now...taking my precious nephew, Timothy to the movies tomorrow!

Candyland and cheating

2010-12-17T02:23:00.000-06:00

I was supposed to arrive until sometime mid-week, next week but things have gotten a bit crazy and I decided I needed to spend time with my family. I know the time is coming where I'll be back in the "real work" world so three weeks home will be a rare if obsolete occurrence.

Things are still a bit dicey where my bro-in-law is concerned regarding his health. So I figured it would help to have an extra set of hands around to run errands, watch the boys, help with whatever, and just be around. Hence, the trip home.

Of course, Senorita Poochies is just elated. She hasn't left my side since my arrival. She's a happy cat.

As for the holiday season while most have been busy shopping and buying gifts, I'd been busy packing, finishing school projects, filling out fellowship applications, and going to interviews. It's been a bit exhausting and in the midst of all that, I realized that I'll be graduating next semester.

On facebook, I had posted this quote: "Live simply, Laugh often, Love deeply." To which someone else replied, "Love deeply, but do not get in the deep end." Reminded me of a sermon I heard and an interesting conversation that followed with one of my closest friends. I believe it was Louie Giglio talking about not staying in the "Kiddie pool" but diving into the deep.

There's a risk involved. It certainly is not for the faint of heart and there's the possiblity that some under current could sweep you under. The "kiddie pool" is safe and secure but it is limiting as well.

In the same token, there's a beauty involved in the experience something you could never achieve in the "kiddie pool."

reminds me of certain types of coy that only grow as big as their environment will allow. So the larger the environment, the larger the fish can grow.

I believe it is the same with us...that if we remain in the "kiddie pool."

I go back to the conversation of diving into the deep I had with my best friend. We both felt the experience of diving into the deep was well worth the risk.

Love deeply.

I've thought alot about that phrase. Thought about it from the standpoint of humanity and from the standpoint of a Christian. The last few weeks have brought many diverse conversations across my path. Conversations about faith and about those who profess faith. It reminded me of a song and a quote. It's an issue that's been prevalent in my life and in conversations in recent weeks.

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle." Brennan Manning

I can't say that I'm absolved from this conversation. I remember making a comment about something I witnessed someone say/do and I was reminded "he's still a man" and not "infallable." It made me think...made me consider the standards to which I and so many I know hold others to. Yes, I certainly believe there should be accountability but what happens when someone feels they're responsbile for holding you accountable but they've had no real presence in your life in over two years...and then there's the issue of humility.

I say this because I've witnessed people I care about waivering between belief and non-belief, to be treated and judged in a manner that contradicts "love your neighbor as yourself." I've seen few attempt to build a relationship and develop understanding of someone who's beliefs may differ from their own. For that reason, I've maintained an arm's length distance and during this time, that i've truly come to see who cares for me and for what reasons.

Those that truly love me have made the effort to find out the happenings of my life. They have invested time and without judgement have listened and offered understanding.

I now know what Voddie Baucham meant by the fact that if we share faith, we share because we want the people we love to share in our joy, love, comfort, and understanding....not because we see people as projects and numbers marked on the belt of "those we've won for Christ."

This is not to say that all I've witnessed have acted in this manner...no..i go back to humilty. I'm reminded of Phillipians 2...and yes, I have seen this lived out in action and in love by some amazing people. People not afraid to admit their limitations and to be honest about where they fail. People who have shared in earnest and in hopes of growing together.

I can say that these honest and real relationships have been a guiding light in cloudy moments and moments when I felt my hope was wanning. Not in who I believe God to be or what I believe He is capable of doing, or in who He is in my life....no...my doubt has rested in the bride of Christ, His church.

Despite that, I've seen glimmering lights of hope of people struggling to understand, struggling to grow...but pressing forward attempting to win the race that is set before them. To those who continue to carry on without judgement but in love, I commend you...and thank you.

Thank you because you've helped me to understand that I dont have to "wear" a Jesus badge and shove my beliefs down people's throats...and helped me to understand that it comes back to love...and of this....

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

To the loves in my life but to specifically one, thank you for your patients, thank you for keeping no record of wrong, thank you for protecting, for trusting, for hoping and for preserving....thank you for loving me in truth...and in understanding...and in grace. I'm eternally grateful and hope that in your honor I do the same for others.

Christmas time is here...

2010-12-13T22:17:00.000-06:00

So today was pretty rough. Alot on my plate right now. I'm trying to stay as focused as I can to finish out the week. Also have an interiew tomorrow so definitely need to be focused for that. Due to the high levels of stress and anxiety I was feeling, I decided a trip to the gym was in order. Managed to get in 3.5 miles and while it wasnt exactly easy I have to admit that it actually felt good to be back and so i'm hopin it'll become a bit more regular. It helps ease stress...and right now, things are a bit crazy in alot of different ways.

Not prepared to talk about any of it but I'm hopin that things turn around soon. Starting to feel that what was once within grasp is now slipping through my fingers. Nothing makes sense...i'm trying to remember that the holiday seasonness adds another dimension to it all. All I can say is that I'll be glad to be around family for the next few weeks.

Strange how things can shift from one moment to another...but i'm reminded that life is fragile and it should be lived and embraced. so i'm putting my "brave face" on moving forward. it's really all I can do. to stay where I am means I'm not growing..not making an effort.

tomorrow is another day, another chance at hope..

balancing act

2010-12-02T03:07:00.002-06:00

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Used to be a frequent occurrence and school, family, friends, and my new love have occupied alot of my time. After reading through some of my post I realized, it's been a healthy outlet to share experiences.

Life has taken some really unexpected turns in the last year. Kind of obvious to be reflective at this time of year. At the same time in less than five months, I'll be embarking on another new journey that hopefully will lead me to a new part of the state. Hopefully closer to my sweetie...

So I don’t even know really where to begin. School for once does not feel quite as overwhelming as it has in the past and maybe that has something to do with the fact that I’m working and have a special someone in my life.

Life also has taken on new meaning and that's primarily due to all the things that have happened in this last year. I find it amazing how life's circumstances change you and change how you view the world. Not talking in a bad way necessarily but I think regardless of what you face you just gotta know who you are and keep your head up.

You might be misunderstood, mistaken, misread...in the end the people who really love you will take the time and effort to try and find you out. Get to the core of what you mean or who you are or what you're trying to convey. Can’t say that that effort relieves you of being responsible for your communication. No it means you gotta be real to those you find in your inner circle.

There was a point and time when I was too concerned with what others thought and I felt that concern start to shift around the time I left to Italy. I think Italy was liberating in that sense and it gave me the courage I needed to face my first semester in a new town. Allowed me to root myself apart from my family and existing circles.

I cant say that everyone in my life has been happy about that but in the end, I’m living this life and when I stand before the creator - I alone will give an account for what I've done with what I’ve been given - no one else will stand with me...and so people can say this or that and think this or that but in the end I think what really matters is knowing I did what I could with what I had. Doesn’t mean I’m exempt from making mistakes.

I think sometimes people fear mistakes as failure but I think it’s the willingness to get up from the mistakes that defines true success. I’m not saying that I purposely set out to make mistakes, in fact, I’d rather avoid them. Takes me back to a quote given to me: "wisdom is learning from experience preferably not your own."

That’s one of the things that I’ve seen changed most. In the course of my life I’ve been leading in one way or another and for the first time in a long time, I’m not leading anything. It’s been odd and awkward but what I’ve learned from that experience is that sometimes you need to learn to be a follower because sometimes you just aren't suited for a particular position and it takes both leaders and followers to make organizations work. Anything new will be awkward at first but then you begin to find your place....

So this time of my life is about being a student...it hasn’t been easy for sure.

Trying to balance school, work, family, and my relationship with Ricardo. I can say that I’m blessed in that my family is close and values education so I’ve had alot of support from them. Ricardo has been pretty amazing as well and I’m glad that we share those similar values.

The difficulty has come in balancing time...because he and I live so far apart - it creates challenges if you will...but at the same time, I don’t think I would change any of it. I think it's been necessary...not liked... but beneficial to us both.

I’ve begun the great job search as all graduates eventually embark upon. Can’t say it’s been fun but interesting to see all the opportunities out there. I know the right one will open up at the right time so I’m patiently waiting.

At the same time, I think this is a unique time in my life and one that I shouldn’t rush through. I’m taking a two week break at the end of the semester to spend with family and friends and of course, I’ve carved out some special time with Ricardo as we celebrate our one year anniversary.

Where Ricardo is concerned - the journey has been pretty amazing - not just in that I find it completely amazing to see how to people make a relationship work but in how people share their lives with one another in a way that no other two people in the world have. It’s unique to that experience and in that I find a true beauty. it hasn’t been "walks in the park" at all times as we both bring our own set of challenges to the table...but it’s been insightful in that I’ve learned more about myself in this year than I ever thought was possible.

I can remember sitting on the ferry going from Brindisi to Patras the summer of 2009 - just before Ricardo entered my life. You see, he's not a new fixture that I just stumbled upon, but someone who came into my life way back in 1997. Then after a summer and some miscommunication, he departed...it sometimes goes that way, no? I think it wouldn’t have worked out between us if we had become more than friends. No I think we were best left as friends wanting more at the end of summer of '97.

I had stumbled upon him prior to my departure to Italy on facebook but had no contact with him. He wasn’t in my thoughts as I was in Italy/Greece. No, I was taking in the experience with a fresh set of eyes and excitement and what I was thinking about was my upcoming move to attend grad school at Tech.

On the ferry - I remember staring out into the water as the sun set thinking "somewhere out there is the man of my dreams" and for a moment I wondered what he was doing and where he was. Clueless that he'd soon walk into my life or rather I’d walk into his at a coffee shop (he was there before me). So after I returned, I was a bit surprised when we ended up chatting for a bit on facebook.

That chance encounter/chat on facebook led to us meeting up and having a friendly cup of coffee at a local Austin coffee shop. At the time, I had no idea where that cup of coffee was going to lead and at first, we remained just friends. He shared a bit of his life with me and me with him. But our communication slowly began to increase and the conversations seemed longer and at times a bit more in-depth...

I didn’t realize that my feelings had changed until I had some life drama and the first person I wanted to call was him not because I had feelings for him necessarily but because I found value in his friendship. That’s when I realized that he was more than just a friend....that he was someone I wanted to share my life with but I wasn’t quite sure how he felt.

We had already planned to spend some time together at the start of the New Year but a friend of mine unexpectedly invited me to visit Austin with her and her husband before our scheduled visit. I remember texting him to see if he'd mind seeing me two weekends instead of just one. Lol....and I remember how elated I was to read his response.

And so it was set - he'd meet me and my friends, and then he and I would have dinner alone and then he'd return me to my friend. usually when it comes to things like that (first dates) - I tend to be a bit formal and guarded in what I call "on-stage" Laura - not quite the laid back, silly girl some of my friends know well. But for some reason I found his presence relaxing (that hasn’t changed even now). It was like I had an open invitation to just be me. And so that's how it started....a relaxed dinner where I slouched (something I seem to do only when I’m extremely comfortable).

It was easy to share with him and over the course of dinner things changed between us and over the course of the weekend we became more than just friends. It seems strange to me the things that I remember - for instance I remember being nervous about seeing him the following weekend after we decided to see each other exclusively.

Our road has been interesting since then...and we've had many laughs over silly things we've said or done...I’ve even witnessed him as he busted out in random dance (one of my favorite memories of him)! Lol.

My life wouldn't have been the same if he wasn’t in it. I’m grateful for that....grateful for the way he challenges me and the ways that he's caused me to grow.

My relationship with him has caused me to reflect on my past and the moments where I was wounded and had healed but realized I hadn’t completely let go. Sometimes you want to hold on to those moments as if to say "look at my war wounds/hear my story"...but reliving those moments too often can make you bitter and angry...

Takes me back to the ferry going to Patras. I remember letting go of my anxieties concerning the future. I made a choice to bravely face what was to come and to give it my best. I think the same goes for letting go of old wounds. It’s best to watch them peacefully and willingly float away - letting them be just a memory no longer empowered by presence.

I think that's what I most cherish about where I live and how my life is lived. There’s the abundance availability of peace. I come home to a quiet apartment that is comfortable and warm and have beautiful people in my life that embrace me in truth, love, and comfort. Reminds me of drinking hot chocolate on a cold winter day that it warms your soul. Similar affect....and the same goes with Ricardo.

I’ve been trying to blaze through this time but now see it with a new pair of eyes as something to be cherished and used wisely. I think so often in life we work and work to get to the next season or the next level that we fail to stop and see the beauty in the current one.

I can say that that is where I’m at. Taking a few moments to enjoy life in the present...letting go of the past and allowing the future to come when necessary but walking in the now and taking in every moment.

The song I posted below has no relevance to the posting just something I was listening to as I wrote this latest episode. I will say that there's amazing beauty in living life drama free...the word I’m working with this week is transparency and diligence...that may be my next posting.

Headed home for a few days. Hoping to get in at least a couple of runs at KOA but we shall see...depends on whether or not the little ones (nephews) wear me out. I’m determined to get my parents tree and lights up though...

I love Christmas...love this time of year....sad that I’m missing carol of lights but looking forward to some hot chocolate and good conversation with friends back home. Love abounds sometimes in ways we don’t understand or can’t see.

getting down to the wire

2010-10-30T03:18:00.002-05:00

i'm just now past the half-way mark in terms of the fall semester. hard to believe that more than 8 weeks has passed since the start of school and monday will find us in November.

NOVEMBER!

where did the time go? it seems like yesterday I was buying books for the fall semester (at a small fortune at that!). Now, I'm less than 6 weeks to go with the end in my sights! not yet breathing the all-too-familiar sigh of relief - that will have to wait.

the fall semester had an interesting start and brought a new set of challenges. it also marked a year that i've been in my current city and though I didnt spend much time here during the summer....i've come to appreciate what is now my home. i realize it's not permanent and all too soon i'll be packing up this place and moving somewhere new.

i can say that this city has been good for me. it was good to be close to my family for the duration i was but that was a season of its own. This time is a new season. i'd been torn between family and school almost feeling like i was leaving my family for school. it made the last year hard and with alot of home-sick moments.

this last year has been a year of growth and as hard as it has been, i'm appreciative. appreciative because i was able to see things i'd never though imagineable...able to try new things and see new things...and understand new things.

i fell in love with what i do and know i'm in the right place at the right time. from the moment Dr Huerta spoke the words "i'm looking for students who see healthcare as a calling," I got it...and it resonated deep within. it was the door i'd been waiting for and now it was finally opened.

so timidly, i stepped through the doorway and i've not looked back since.

i've been busy since then working an internship with a children's clinic: working on grant projects/funding proposals, quality improvement projects, and learning the inner workings of a clinic. my work has been part-time and if i had any regret it is that i wish the position was full-time. not because of pay or benefits or anything like that...but simply because i feel there are pieces i miss when i'm away. i absolutely respect the administrators i've gotten to work with and their insight and knowledge has opened up a new realm to me that i find really fascinating. they are the teachers and i am the student. i try to soak up as much as i can and trust me there's lots to learn.

my class schedule is a bit odd...for the fall semester my core classes were divided into mini-semesters...so i had for 8 weeks the second the next 8 weeks. meaning - i have three hours completed already. my health organization course is being conducted executive-style so we meet only two weekends in the semester...the second class meeting is coming up in a few short weeks and on the final day of class we will be testing for our Six Sigma Green Belt Certification. (AGH!) i also have human resource management and we meet one night a week...so i have just five more class meetings and two of those are for presentations...yes..the semester is coming to a fast close!

i register next week for the spring - MY FINAL SEMESTER! (AGH a second time!!!) lol. i'll have 13 hrs and the schedule looks pretty nice for now.

what's next?

your guess is probably as good as mine...i applied to one FELLOWSHIP....yes just one. why? this particular fellowship starts June 2011 and is with an organization i'm interested in working with. I'll know in the next few weeks whether i made the first cut in the selection round. if not....then i have an option to stay where i'm at and work and apply for a fellowship starting in Jan 2012 or to look for something full-time somewhere else...its not really time to make that decision so i'm not thinking to much about it.

for me, in my life, these kinds of things usually happen very quickly...dont know exactly how to explain it but when the right opportunity reveals itself - then the process of getting there is usually escalated. as always, i'll have done my homework and figured out my options before then...just to be prepared...but until then...my plans are just speculations nothing set in stone.

as for family...well i'm not going to say much here other than my mom is doing much better and my bro-in-law should be home soon (from his latest and hopefully last surgery!). i have alot of respect and love for both my parents. i've seen them do things that go beyond my own understanding of abilities but that's because they're parents and as of yet, i am not. i can say that their love and support has been amazing...even in crisis they manage to maintain a peace and composure that i learn from every day. at the same time, alot has changed and as usual i wont get into the details but just to say i think it's ok. not good, not bad....its ok...in alot of ways its been liberating.

for the first time, i see what my parents want for me and why they do or say the things they do...and i see where it comes from. for that i'm grateful...and while i may not always choose what they want or do what they think i should....they give me freedom to make those choices for myself. i'm doubly grateful for that...i think this understanding has made our relationship stronger in a way i cant describe. watching my mother recover from the summer has been an experience as well and i realize just how fragile we are....so, i'm trying to make the most of every moment given to me and to spend my time with the people i love most. spend my energies where they count the most....cant' say i've been completely successful but each day is a new opportunity to try...

i'm not going to speak to any specific situation here...but just to say that sometimes we judge people without really knowing them or their intentions...and we assume certain things as facts that may come from third parties that may or may not know or have the correct perspective about things that are happening. unfortunately, i can say that this has occurred in my life...it saddens me in a number of ways. at the same time, you can’t make people love you, can’t make them understand or see where you are coming from because once they've determined things are what they think they are...its almost next to impossible to convince them things are other than what they are determined to think...and i feel it’s pointless to try but also feel if they aren't willing to seek out the truth then do they really genuinely care about you?

as for the love of my life...we've had our moments as any relationship does...

what i can say is that he challenges me to be better and in so many ways and has helped me to see life through new lenses...gone are the rose stained glasses i'd been trying so hard to get rid of...sometimes we want to kid ourselves and pretend things are what we want them to be...its harder to see things as they really are. i can say that with mr casillas - its easier to see things as they really are and while some of the things i've been through have been beyond words - he's been amazingly incredible to see me through them. he's honest in a refreshing way and more than anything i've learned the beauty in resolution.

we are alike in many ways and in so many others he is my complete opposition. i've found that he brings a necessary balance to my life that at first i tried to fight and have now come to relish.

of course...when i want to tromp off and throw a frying pan at someone - he, the calm one, calls me back to sit and take deep breaths and talk through my feelings....oh the irony! lol...i love him for it...and yes there are moments when i want to throw a frying pan at him (and he knows this)...but lovingly and patiently he talks me through it until we come to an amicable resolve. who knew fighting could be so civilized!?! lol! come this january, he and i will close in on our year anniversary! i hope this only the first of many more to come...

alright dear ones....i'm driving bright and early and as usually i'm burning the midnight oil..maybe i should change the title of my blog to that....that seems to be when i write most of my blogs to begin with!

ah...i failed to mention washington, dallas, memphis, and chicago...i will in the next post which will be in a few days and not a few months! I promise!

life is too beautiful to waste of the shoulda', coulda', woulda's....but a little reflection now and thing keeps things in perspective...its the mile markers that keep us headed in the right direction.

Chicago

2010-10-25T00:55:00.000-05:00

Like my buddy Jeff Peters once said, "rock on chicago!"

Chicago was good....i planned on writing a whole excerpt but unfortunately, i got to working on homework and now its late. I have a super early morning flight! (UGH) so I must get to sleep...will post once I've recouped.

i'll be home in the next 12 hrs.

a few more days...

2010-08-07T01:14:00.004-05:00

three more days and I'll add another year to the number of years i've been on this earth. i'd like to say i'm joyful in facing this occasion but after the event's of this summer, i'd gladly settle for something inconspicious. to say the summer has been rough would be an understatement and while on the surface it seems that life is regaining a balance: in my gut i can feel the pendulum shift in the opposite direction.

i've been given a brief reprieve from the demands of higher education. brief in that Aug 16 i get to enjoy "enhancements" and sit through close to 48 hrs of "workshops." a nice way to spend what's left of my summer break. and while i'm not complaining at least i'm trying not to...i know all too soon summer breaks will be gone for most of my life. in other words the workforce beckons.

just two more semesters left and then my career will take another turn in a new direction. i've had to make some major decisions to preserve quality of life and to accomodate my educational load. school's the priority for the moment and finishing is not an option at this point.

i have quite a bit on my mind but nothing that has been sorted out and ready for discussion. just to say i'm beyond relieved that school is out for now. it has been one of the most intense semesters of my educational career and much of it has to do with my specific program. i wasnt the only one feeling the heat/strain of the workload. my cohorts are all breathing easier tonight.

one of our requirements was to obtain a certification as a consultant with an on-line electronic health records system. we had just ten days to do that. i know that in the end, the intensity of the program will be beneficial and for the first time i feel like i found something i was meant to do. so in that there is a satisfaction and joy.

at the same time, i dont doubt that this is why i'm where i'm at and why its taken me so long to get here. i've done alot of traveling this summer mostly out of necessity due to family circumstances so i've had lots of time to think and contemplate. time to sort through issues and situations. no easy answers of course but as grandma ivy said, "expect if you follow the roots, you'll find him."

i'm currently working through seeing past the "storms of my life" and working to see the benefits of the rain. its sometimes hard to see in the midst of the chaos...but lucky for me, in my neck of the woods, we've had much rain. and ironically enoughly seeing something in the literal has helped me understand it metaphorically.

its odd to see this part of the state so green at this time of year. in any other year, it would be dry, brown, and mostly barren...but here we are in the midst of a mild summer and the fields are green and pools of water are collected in fields.

on one trip back, i was actually detoured because of the excess of water...metaphorically i found it interesting. though at the time it was a major incovenience as i was on my way back to take a final. what i took from that experience is that life is going to bring detours...roadblocks...situations...difficult people....but do you turn around and go back home? no....

instead, i busted out the gps and figured away around the detour...sure it took longer to get to my destination because it was a two lane road lined with semi's....but the point isnt about when i got there it was that i figured out a way to get there...am i better for the detour...may be not immediately but you never know when you'll need to know about that "road" because of another life circumstance.

i cant undo the events of the summer...cant undo how i got here....and in some situations i fear its too late to change the destination of the path now set upon. but those are the choices we make...the choices people in my life had made...i'm powerless over the choice of others but when it comes to my own its completely different.

sometimes life lessons are difficult and sometimes they cause pain...but just like the summer...this season in life will pass....and it wont be about what i felt in the immediate but about what i walked away with. what are those lessons i took with me. in hindsight, i think we always wish we would've made different choices or done things differently...but as i read a friends semi-blog earlier today..its those choices that make us who we are...they put us in situations to see things differently...situations that give us new perspective or new appreciation.

i look at seaons in my life in that manner. i think at times we dont really know what we do to one another or how our actions can affect others. if i walked away with anything from the summer it would be "dont leave the table with things unsaid." in other words the people who mean most to you, should know what they mean to you... life is too short to be spent on issues that in the grand scheme of things mean little...and definitely not worth spending efforts or energies on petty issues.

so feeling like a beat up boxer, i'm getting back up and going to make a go of life again...sure the bruises hurt and some wounds are still mending...but they'll mend...

while i was driving, i was hit with the word resilient. i dont know where it comes from but somehow, resilience allows us to rebound in life and get another shot at the things left undone.

i dont know what this fall is going to shape into. just know that all i can do is make the best choices i can each day...live to the best of my abilities with what i have and what i know...and though people will judge and people will say what they want...its inner peace and knowing you've done all you can in that day...that allows you to face new tomorrows...

i need this next week for respite care not just from the physical toll this summer has taken but also from the spiritual, mental, and emotional toll. ironically, its been my work wth my internship which has given me hope for the semester to come. many thanks to the people in my life who've been true in love and to say the things that needed to be said. like john mayer sings, "say what you need to say."

though i more than likely will not get the opportunity, my ideal vacation would be a few hours on the beach by water with a good book. something about water that i find very relaxing and calming....for now, i'll settle for some time with a good book. it might just be the break my mind, body, and soul are looking for.

maybe in my dreams ... as sleep in the moment is quite necessary. peaceful sleep that is. gonna do the best i can to have some "real down time" in the next few days...for now...

I'm "put your brave face on" in the search for roots...

with a grain of salt

2010-07-27T17:29:00.001-05:00

sometimes things you'd never expect to happen: happen. i can pretty much say that's been my whole summer. if I could characterize the summer in one word, I'd use "traumatic." as if the workload for school wasnt enough which has been way more than any of my individual semesters since 2007 including the 18hr in-class with 12 hrs online semesters, life dealt my family some additional blows.

i keep hearing in my head "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" and it scares me because my reaction is immediate "what is coming down the pike that could be worse than this that i need preparation for?" ok i'm not asking that question cause then God will only bring about those events that would answer that question...God i can gladly wait...i used to say that i wasnt really stunned by life events. i mean my dad's a pastor so i've pretty much seen and heard it all...well after the last month or so i can say that is mostly true.

saving grace has come in the form of people who love in spirit and in truth. that's all i can say. i'm so ever glad for those relationships. they've been a God-send. its allowed me to see past the mess of words and to see what's really important and for me its always been my family. to some it may not appear that way, but to those who know me best you know, well you know differently.

i cant exactly say that i'm surprised by the last round of events. unexpected for sure...but i feel a bit cynical saying that i was waiting for it. i mean...we all have people in our lives that uhhhmmm..deal in drama. and not just deal in it but rather live in it. i've been trying to cut the drama out of my life and its not been an easy task. i've learned this mostly from my dad who is completely non-dramatic and from ricardo, my significant other, who is cool as a cucumber. it amazes me...and that really is an understatement.

i also realized that these two men are in my life for a reason and its humbling. the summer has been full of hard lessons but lessons i'm grateful to learn. from previous experiences i know these lessons will come back for a time of application. i also know that you always reap what you sow...so i'm work at sowing better stuff. not always easy but it really does make us better people and at least for me, it lets me sleep at night.

i cant undo the wrongs of my past but at the same time i refuse to let people in the outer fringes hold me to those mistakes i've worked hard to move past and beyond. what is in the past is in the past. it cant be changed, can't be undone which is why i'm keeping my mouth shut. in the end there are few opinions i worry about and those that i do, i know exactly where i stand and when the sun sets that's really all that matters to me.

i can say that i'm so glad my mom's doing better and thanks to all of you who have been praying for her. i know she's impacted so many of your lives and if you've ever spent time at my house then you spent at least 30 minutes talking with my mom. for many of you, she learned your whole life story in about 15 minutes cause that's the kind of lady she is.

we're hoping and praying that the summer will end on a better note than what we started with. what more...we pray fall would be....boring! it would be a nice break. but this is how life goes, no? in seasons...some good, some not so good....a friend of mine posted on facebook the other day..."when life throws you lemons....don't just make lemonade......open up an aquas frescas on the south side and cash in...."

the unexpected

2010-07-15T01:28:00.000-05:00

i never thought that my spring semester would be preparation for the marathon race i'm running now in the summer.

one family crisis right after another....

i've gotten alot of, you're under alot of stress right now, but honestly...i'm mean in sincere honesty: my sentiments reside somewhere between "roll up your sleeves and dig deep" to "we just have to do what we have to do." To some it may seem cold/calculating...but it's not trust me. It's more along the lines that my emotional tank is on empty and so rationale has taken the reigns.

not to mention, in crisis, something inside me kicks on and I shift into "look out for everyone" mode. maybe it has something to do with being a first born and all the opportunities in leadership. it's an innate part of my being. so there's no time for falling apart (in my mind). and honestly...i have a peace about the situation.

these last few months have had so many ups and downs, you'd think we'd spent the summer at six flags.

no, its just life.

the summer started with a mini-vacation to san antonio...on my way back, a delinquent decided to throw a rock/brick threw my driver-side window and steal my ipod. I make it back to the panhandle and life was starting to settle...

unexpectedly, one of my uncles passed away...from there life has thrown us one curve ball after another.

i had to deal with crazy changes with financial aid...and not in a good way...due to the way my graduate program is set up, I'm considered a part-time student this semester because I have 5 hrs and had 7 last...so even though I have 12 overall and am full-time...those pesky 5 hrs put me at part-time status which affected my grant amounts. i was not a happy camper about that....

so during that whole ordeal, my mom had surgery. She was in her second week of recovering when i found out i received a $4,000 scholarship from the National Society of Hispanic MBA's - Austin Chapter. Of course that was a major bright spot in my day! my mom reminded me of how God blesses our hard work. I have to agree....

had a great visit this last weekend with good friends and the person for whom I have hearts in my eyes for! LOL....while visiting, I got word that a good, close friend's grandpa had passed away.

and then the next bump in the road, if you will, arrived yesterday with my mom's visit to the ER monday evening and then later admittance into the hospital. She's in the intermediate care unit with congestive heart failure and possible pneumonia. so back to the hometown I go. lots of going home as of late...might need to chew on that for a bit....

I'm not frazzled like some would think I would be...no, i've got peace about this. and not that I know how any of it will turn out...i just know that if God has seen me through one rough and tumble semester/year...that in the end it's gonna be ok. we may not get the results we want but despite that...we have to be thankful.

i could choose to sit and wallow in the tragedies of yesterday....sit in the mourning...fail to see the blessings...but i've chosen different for myself and for my family. and I chose a long while back....time is much better spent appreciating the blessings of now....i can't give credit to myself but only to God...who has shown me immeasurable things...beyond my wildest imagination and if he can make a silly dream like "touring Italy" come true....and can change your path in an unexpected way that leads to joy....then yes...anything is possible with Him. He's given me more than I deserve and I know that its because of His unconditioinal love for each of us.

I understand it now because unconditional love has some powerful meaning in my life today. I realized that there are some things in my life that I'd not yet surrendered...and spending time tied to those things is draining and exhausting...i understand what is mean by the "truth shall set you free."

itunes is on random shuffle..."Adonai" just started....irony/coincidental...no, I think not.

here's the link so you can listen for yourself...

Life lines

2010-06-24T22:36:00.000-05:00

funny how life brings circumstances that will cause you to literally stop and have quiet moments you need. the spring semester was plagued with out-of-control allergies. with the help of my hometown physician, we were finally able to get things under control and now im working towards eliminating allergies with an immuniologist. again apologies for the spelling...mine is atrocious.

i was so excited that summer would bring rest and relaxation only to find the complete opposite of that. its been one drama after another and while at times i sometimes feel overwhelmed, i've not completely fallen off my rocker. in fact, i can say that for the most part i've approached everything with as much positive energy as possible. i've also worked to keep things in perspective because some things you can change and some things you just can do nothing about.

so...while visiting my parents, someone decided to throw a brick/rock threw my driver side window and stole my ipod. so i spent the next day filing a police report and found out several vehicles in the area were hit and then had to have the window replaced. after the window was fixed we found something else wrong which caused a delay in the repair....and caused me to spend an additional day in my hometown.

at the end of that week, i got a call from my mom that my uncle had passed away. Life turned into a whirlwind of activities as my mom and her siblings made funeral arrangements and prepared for the days to come. while saying good-bye to a love one is never easy, the events of that followed culminated in a peaceful good-bye. its unfortunate that an event like that can bring together family but im glad that we were together. my mom's side of the family attended from all over the state with cousins coming from odessa and pecos and phone calls from family members sending their condolences. I can say that we were blessed with the outpouring of love and support.

the funeral was simple which is befitting of my uncle. after the burial service, the family made their way over to my grandmothers gravesite which was only a few rows away. we know that my uncle is at peace and in a better place.

then my mother already had surgery scheduled for today. i've spent most of the day at the hospital. its given me some much needed time to stop and read and get caught up on school work. did i mention i have 8 hrs right now? yeah....fun...

i'm staying with my mom overnight and then headed back to lubbock for class on sat then back to angelo to help care for my mom. she did well and the family is making arrangements to help with her recovery. will be 6 to 8 weeks before she's fully recovered. cant say enough about the love and support shown by friends and family. its meant alot.

as always, keeping my head up knowing that the stuff life throws your way can only make you stronger. challenges are never easy but they sure do test you and push you to limits you didnt know exist. at the end, being pushed is what makes us better people and gives us a better understanding of unconditional love, grace, and mercy....

so much to say

2010-05-14T00:25:00.001-05:00

this time I've let two months lapse between my posting. sorry about that. life got really hectic here in the last few months. I've been on more roller coaster rides (figuratively) than I care to reminisce about. i made some major changes to my degree plan. went from a management concentration to health organization management and then changed to a dual masters program. love the program but it has had its share of challenges and by fair probably one of the most intense programs i've endured in terms of course work and expectations. however...its exactly what i love about the program.

i feel that i finally found my niche and its a very wonderful experience.

so with that I embark on an arduous year left in my program. i've obtained an internship with a children's clinic here. so very excited about the work and project possiblities there. i was also elected as VP of Finance for our health organzation management student association. so i'm really excited about the possiblities there and being able to work to improve what we do. will be busy with that in the next year and seeing the importance of networking.

its been a season of growing and with those kinds of seasons growing pains are inevitable. but these growing pains were more than i bargained for...(sigh)...however...i know that its for my good and yes i've learned so many valuable lessons. still alot of decisions to be made and i cant say i have all the answers...in fact if i'm certain of anything, its that things can change on a dime.

i was thinking back to this time last year....getting ready for graduation and getting ready to leave to Italy for a month...by far one of the most amazing and rewarding experiences of my life. i look back on those pictures with alot of nostalgia and fondness for the people who made that such a memorable experience. it changed me in so many ways...and i remember being on the ferry from brindisi to patras: thinking what could the future possibly hold?

never in a million years could i have predicted the things that have happened to me in this last year. i thought i was headed for law school and that road took a deviation for the best. there are still questions in life which i have no answers...and for now i'm content with walking down the road not knowing.

life is kinda funny that way.

some of the things i've learned: you cant make people love you the way you want to be loved or be in a relationships with you when they dont want to be...i wont get into much more about the happenings in my life. i've made this shift back into annonymity. hard to explain but yeah....needless to say i have more lessons to learn.
the summer will be short lived. my program is a two year - straight, no breaks kinda program. and we have these things called enhancements which are like workshops. we have to complete 10 units by fall....so it means workshops two weeks after finals this spring and two weeks before classes start this fall...that leaves a little over a week for a break before summer school starts...and leaves a week between summer and fall...ugh! vacation?

i plan on taking one very soon....and i promise to update a little more...lots more to say but of course its late and i have to be back at school tomorrow morning by 8 am after being there 8 am - 9:30 pm today. it was grueling and i'm exhausted in ways i cant even explain.

90%

2010-03-30T00:08:00.000-05:00

once again, its late but i'm finally winding down and have a few things on my mind.

first, let me say its good to be back to the land of the breathing and semi-healthy! lol. The last eight weeks were insane. almost literally. I found myself dealing with out-of-control allergies which triggered a sinus infection. I'm asthmatic so the sinus infection quickly escalated in a weeks time into bronchitis. i saw the dr. 6 different occassions when through a total of 11 medications ranging from antibiotics to breathing inhalations to steroids. yes, i should be completely buff by now - but i'm not...wrong kind of steroids. i give credit to Omnaris that finally got my sinuses under control although it was at the cost of my first born (almost). so finally after 20+ breathing treatments, things are back under control.

i've been playing catch-up on a number of fronts: work, school, home-life, family, and friends.

its kinda exhausting...but i'm getting a much needed rest over the weekend.

ok so the major happenings.

My sis and fam -

They've moved back to Texas. YAY! super happy cause that means i get to see the nephews more often and well....they're so frickin' cute. In fact, sitting on my bookshelf is a master piece created by Sir Timothy. He says to me (while i was there), "Mimi - i made you something. Let me go get it!" so he runs off and runs back with this odd creation in his hands and says, "Look, i made it just for you! you can put it on your shelf with all your decorations and tell your mama look what Timmy made for me!"

I'm crackin up thinking about his little presentation as I type this. Prime example as to why I love those boys. They always make me smile by something they do or say! So yes, I'm very glad they are in Texas. Glad my sis is back cause I didnt get to see her too often. I know that my parents can help her and give both her and her hubby some relief (which is always nice)!

Cary has his next surgery May 10. So if you can be praying for him and the fam - I know they'd appreciate it much. I have to say some good things about my bro-in-law cause he's been through alot and still keeping positive. I know he made this decision in the best interest of his family cause he loves them. so yeah...my viewpoint has definitely changed in a positive direction.

The new man in my life - things are going well. Getting ready to fly out to Austin later this week with a short trip to san antonio and then houston to visit friends. This relationship is so completely different from the others and i'm so happy for what he brings to my life. He's been super supportive of my educational goals and just encouraged me when i've wanted to throw in the towel. Helps me to stay focused on the goal. Overall, he's just an amazing guy and i'm glad our paths crossed in the timing that they did.

school - well, its escuela...and i'll be glad to have a break after graduation next year. fall 2011 hasnt been quite decided but i can say i wont have any classes that summer! for the first time since 2007. amazing...

well Congreso is this weekend and for the first time in 20 years, i wont be in attendance. i cant believe it's been 20 years...there are alot of reasons why i wont be attending but i think at 20 years it was time to say good-bye. Smange is still coordinating the event and all the staff and event will be in my prayers over the weekend and of course the participants.

this year has been about new starts and new roads to travel. at times, its scary and i'm not really sure how to navigate through the new waters. it can be terrifying but at the same time exhilarating and exciting. life has more to offer and i'm working at taking advantage of the opportunities. doesnt make sense to some and to others they get what i'm talkin about. perfectly cool. not meant for everyone to get.

so as always - life is sooo completely than i ever expected and in so many ways its so completely amazing! i wouldnt change how anything has happened. some relationships i wish were better but you can only do what you can do. you cant make someone want to be in a relationship with you and you cant do their part either. doesnt work that way...and so sometimes its just best to say good-bye and pray that you get a second chance later.

i'm done stressing or worrying about things so completely out of my control.

so life is good and its sweet...sometimes bittersweet but sweet nonetheless!

my mocos and me

2010-03-24T23:50:00.000-05:00

whew....been a while since i wrote one of these!

i should probably update you all since i've been a bit MIA.

not purposely MIA but i found myself employed and changed my concentration. so instead of getting one master's degree, i'll have two...

some of you know that i'm seeing someone. he lives in austin which means i've frequented austin more than usual. and yes, he made a trip up to north to my neck of the woods and even met my parents. he's sweet and truly amazing.

i'm not really sure where to go with this blog. so much has happened since i last wrote.

i got really sick and i'm under the conviction that the pandhandle is not where i need to live permanently. the weather does not agree with me or rather, i do not agree with it. i'm a tropical people. lol.

alright, i had planned on writing more but its now late and i need to sleep. still recovering from my last round fight with bronchitis/upper respiratory infection/asthma. it was insane....

promise to write and update this weekend. time is making itself a bit more affordable lately. it's nice...

oh happy day...

2010-03-08T03:06:00.000-06:00

its been insanity as of late. i realize it's been a really long time since i've updated. i can only say that my delays in posting have been with good reason. Sometime at the first of feb, my allergies went a little BAZURK...and that landed me in the dr's office about the 10th of Feb.

Well needless to say since then, I've been back for a total of 6 visits. I was still pretty congested up until today and i'm still recovering though i feel a ka'million times better than i did a few weeks ago. yes, two antibiotics, three steriods, a series of breathing treatments, and a new inhaler and i'm on the road to recovery!

i realize it's late and i know you're probably thinking i'm burning the midnight oil. its not on purpose. i had a case i needed to wrap up and another major project. the weekend's activities didnt allow me the free-time i was hoping for...but all for good cause.

ok so the super big news everyone's been waiting to hear. mr. casillas met my parents this weekend. yes, this is the new man in my life as one church member referred to him this morning! LOL.

it was a pretty amazing weekend and i plan on expounding more but i need to sleep.

all i can say is i'm pretty happy.

my sis officially moved back to Texas today and i got to visit with my nephews, sister, and her husband for a few hours before heading back to the panhandle. i'm so glad they're back and cant wait to see them soon!

goodness...

2010-01-25T08:44:00.000-06:00

my last post was something like January 6. i'd been trying to get a post up since then but life has been crazy insane (all in a good way) in the last few weeks! there were some subjects i didnt want to blog about just yet as they weren't "common public knowledge" but i think its safe to say that most subjects are well known. YAY!

mostly, i've spent alot of time traveling with most of my time spent in Austin! yes that's right, Austin, TX home of the Longhorns. I even went to a longhorn basketball game! LOL. don't choke now. it was after the wake of our horendous firing of Coach Leach and I was very much in an anti-TTU ranting mode. I love my school but it doesnt exempt us from having a bunch of bonehead administrators who dont handle situations very well. not sure if my dad's renewing his season tickets for next year so we will just have to see.

have to say the new year started out in a completely unexpected way. like i couldnt have predicted it if i saw it coming or if it was right in my face! yes sometimes life hands you those kinds of cards and while unexpected they can turn out to be the most amazing experiences of your life. the end of 2009 saw the departure of some "characters" in my life. some i was so ready to see go and others i feel a bit differently about. some have left the picture temporarily and i know will re-enter the picture when its appropriate. perfectly ok with me.

sometimes people just need some time away from each other to grow and experience stuff outside of each other. nothing wrong with that and holding on would only make things worse. again dont assume you know what i'm talking about here cause i can pretty much say unless you've talked to me in the last few days, then you know nothing about this (as my nephew would say!) aye que nino!

love those little boys!

i also have to say there's an amazing new person in my life. well he's not really that new since i've known him for a very long time, but new in that he re-entered my life at the end of Spring 2009. it's been an interesting road since summer 2009 and i have to say that everything between us evolved very naturally. i'm not giving names or details just because of my stand on annonymity but if you must know who he is, he's listed on my facebook status.

just have to say that this relationship is so very different from all the others and what i appreciate most about this person is truth and honesty. I can say that i truly feel like myself when i'm with this person and i dont feel like i'm being forced to be something other than what i really am. in other words, i dont feel like this person is trying to make me what they want me to be which has been the case in many other relationships. so yes i think he's a keeper! what he does and what he says match up completely and i appreciate that more than he probably realizes.

i'm sure you might be asking "is he going to read this?" and the answer is probably so. but i know he'll read it without judgement or making assumptions which is a massive sigh of relief! LOL. in the end, i think the only person who knows what's right for me is me. i have been overwhelmed with the amount of support i've recevied regarding this new relationship and in the end time will tell all, as they say! for now, i'm enjoying every moment of life and soaking in each experience and opportunity. that's all i really can do after all!

i will say that i'm loving school and loving my new program! it has presented challenges which i had been anxiously awaiting. not to mention (drum roll please!) i am now EMPLOYED! whoo hooo...i had a massive slew of interviews all at once and this new position gave me the most peace about pursuits/goals/etc...will allow me to obtain some new experiences while still pursuing educational goals and allowing me to finish as projected. really is amazing and about "right timing." so very glad for that....

getting ready for the day - going to be a long one! but an amazing one at that!

Always
Laura

hello 2010

2010-01-06T15:34:00.000-06:00

its now a week into 2010. life as i once new it has changed forever! lol. there's a lot to talk about but i have to keep this one short. need to get some stuff done this afternoon and i've been procrastinating! ish...

school is about to start next week. excited about getting back into a routine. i've also had a few job interviews and phone calls for interviews as well! so i'm hopeful!

enjoyed the visit with the nephews. those boys completely crack me up. they do and say the most funniest things. they also have such completely different personallities.

i have my law school tour this week. three schools this round including two in houston and one in san antonio. will visit a few friends while making the round. there's also some other news but i havent quite decided what i want to say about that. just will say that there is a signficant other in my life and he's pretty amazing. but i'll talk about that later...

for now i need to figure out what to pack. headed to houston tomorrow overight for two tours and then headed to austin for the weekend! have more to share will do so later.

always

one more time

2009-12-29T01:08:00.001-06:00

i'm back for a few days...yes in the 806. have a few things to take care of. I wasn't expecting to be here this early but given the weather warnings for tomorrow figured it was better to get here early. have an interview wed and hopin that works out. if not...i know that the right thing will come along in the right time. so not worried about it...just going about due diligence.

i figured i should check my mail too - otherwise it would be a whole month without being checked! ish! ok so its late and gonna spend the day with my madre who is here with me! will be back home sometime wed and then headed to austin the first of the new year and excited about it!

promises and sad good-byes

2009-12-26T23:06:00.000-06:00

our trek back to Texas began sometime after 10 am this morning. we made pretty decent time considering we weren't sure what to expect of the weather. we're in springfield, missouri for the night. up and early tomorrow to make the rest of the 10 hour trip home. i woulda liked to have spent more time with my sister but her work schedule just didnt allow us the opportunity.

i'm so glad i made the trip with my parents and i see now that everything worked out as it did this last semester with reason. those little boys are so completely precious to me. i'm going to miss hearing "mimi get up!" in the morning or just "Mimi Mimi!!!" coming from my oldest nephew. they are growing so fast and the things they do/say are just priceless...

makes me sad that we live so far away but i know that it has to be this way. going to make a visit during spring break. i promised my oldest nephew i would. he told me this morning. "Mimi i'm sad" I said, "why Timmy?" and he tells me "Because i dont want you to go!" and i told him "i'll be back at spring break in just a couple of months" and he tells me "why dont you stay for alot of months?" oh just about broke my heart to see his sad little eyes! how could you not love a little face like that?

i hear senorita poochie made besties with my brother who was home over the holidays. i'm sure she's going to meow me to death when i arrive. this break is going to go by too quickly i fear. i want to stretch it out as long as i possibly can. a couple of more trips on the books - both lesiure and business. law school tour and of course get to spend time with friends in the process. always good for the soul. something about sitting with someone you care about over a meal or coffee...no words to explain.

so i got a few new albums for christmas. my new favorite is Carrie Underwood's. been listening to it quite a bit and hoping to grab the new Lady Antebellum as soon as its released Jan twenty-something....also hopin to make a few concerts this semester. have a good feelin about 2010....so weird to see that in print.

alright...to sleep i must go...long day tomorrow and short recovery before i'm back on the road - solo this time around....

hope you're having a joyous holiday season..just a few more days till 2009 ends and 2010 begins...

as always

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

2009-12-26T00:22:00.001-06:00

There are only 16 minutes left to Christmas Day. I can't believe my last post was Dec 18th! It's been busy and hectic and with the two little ones - hard to get some alone time to write a blog. I'll gladly sacrifice blog time for time with those two little ones - my nephews.

i'm waiting for some security features to update on my laptop so i figured i'd try to get in a quick note before making the long trek back to Texas tomorrow. it will be two days of traveling to make it back to west texas. as sad as I am to leave, its kinda bitter sweet to head back to angelo. will be there for just a few days. need to run back north to take care of a few things back home.

home...its getting complicated to define where that is exactly. i feel a bit nomadic. i guess home will always be at my parents house - though i'm trying to make my current residence "home." hard to do when you're never there! lol....for now, its quite ok...not really trying to develop in roots there. don't get me wrong - i love life there but it seems that life is shifting once again and this time around i have a solid peace about things. again a need for annonymity - just have to say i'm much, much, much appreciative of the key players involved in the game.

been alot of lessons about timing and alot of sorting through stuff in this last semester. figurative and literally. just have to say that sometimes - we're so bent on taking a position that in our refusal to move in any direction - we fail to see the situation from a different angle which reveals what we really need to know. i'm not talking about any one situation just to say that i cant control anyone but myself. so what others choose to believe or not to believe - i cant control. can't make them love me, can't make them feel differently about me...cant change their minds about what they want to say...can't make them believe in me.

it's liberating because for once I feel like i'm not working so hard at trying to make others happy or others any of the above i just listed....no, instead i feel like life has a new lease if you will because its about doing what i feel i'm supposed to be doing in this world. right now the plan is law school - but it is something i'm praying through and definitely thinking through...its three years of my life.

my time with my nephew has shown me that yes - someday - i do want to be a mom and someday - i do want a family. my time with them has also taught me about timing and the art of time. everything has its time as ecclesiastes so poignantly points out. so instead of trying to rush through to the next phase/season of life - i'm doing what i can to embrace and enjoy the current one.

despite all the drama's life has wrought and all the crazy things happening in the lives of people i love. i can honestly say that life is sweet, very sweet. i'm excited for this spring semester and though i'm not a super fan of my current living location - hey - it is what it is and i've got just a year and a half left there so why not make the most of it?

i think this shift/change started with the changing of my concentration. feel so much better about that choice. i've learned that the greater the risk, the greater the rewards. i mean that was basically what we talked about in finance for the duration. risk...i thought about it...thought about those things that sometimes hold me back from really moving forward. will talk more about that later but just to say that i realized - i dont want to live life and look back and think what if...i tend to be a risk taker and in recent years have been more calculated about taking risk but sometimes i think you just gotta close your eyes and dive in. lol...

while its exhilirating, it can also be terrifying as heck! and sometimes i think to myself - are you sure you know what you're doing? most of the time the answer is no...but hey it makes life interesting none the less...and truly one day i will write a book about all my crazy life experiences.

that brings me back to the 5k training...yeah...need to definitely get back to that. so will set up some training sessions when i make my quick trip back to the north...gonna get back into a routine and get disciplined.

i ate way to many cookies here...i've been like a cookie monster and all because i was feenin' cookies all semester. so completely odd and strange but no more cookies for me... :( - yes i'm sad about it...but cookies are not good - even though they taste so delicious!

Just have to say i'm looking forward to the New Year for sooo many reasons. i'm not sure how much winter we have much left but something about the thought of spring in the air that makes me smile...well..that's not the only thing...again with the annonymity - its necessary. But if you're reading this as i'm sure you will - i'm much appreciative of you - for your enduring patients - and what you add to my life - you know who you are. ;)

so yes...hoping to sleep well tonight. i've been a bit darth-vader-ish. neglected to mention that after i arrived i came down with a cold or sinus/allergy stuff. everything's clear so i'm bankin on the sinus/allergy/asthma stuff that sometimes catches up to me when i've not really rested and well that's definitely been the case this week.

i will say that i'm glad to have this time with my folks...and time with my sis and her family. wish my bro coulda made it but all things happen for a reason. i'm certain.

i'm sad to leave my sister and her family. will miss hearing "mimi, mimi" so early in the morning. their little boy voices and the sounds of little feet runnin around or coming up the stairs...those boys have taught me just how much family means to me and what a priority it is to me in my life. i know that in large - i am who i am because of them...what i've learned from them and how they challenge me...the lessons never stop and as long as i'm living and breathing - i know that i'll continue learning about living life and the meaning of it.

as always - on the road again...

Walk with me in the moonlight

2009-12-18T23:27:00.000-06:00

the last post found me beginning my winter break travels. i managed to pack what i thought i needed into two major suitcases, load my car, and make my way home south.

so this post...finds me re-packing - though a lighter load this time - getting ready to head north. Today I did all the things I absolutely loathe to do. had the oil changed in the suburban, got the inspection sticker, had it washed, gased it up, and am packing!

well attempting to pack. i'm listening to Sheryl Crow's Motivation in hopes that it might generate some real motivation so i can finish packing. the last bit that i need to do is the toiletry bag. i decided to not take the whole bag of stuff. so i have some smaller travel sizes of the stuff i use on a regular basis. there are things you just shouldnt leave home without. a toothbrush is one of them...and chones would be another...but i digress.

today was crazy insane with errands. i think i'm mostly packed now. (I took a slight break to finish up). i also probably have more clothing than i really need. and i hear its supposed to be super cold....

just gotta say i'm looking forward to reading books to my nephews and drinking hot chocolate and making smores...(activities planned during Laura's week of day care). so excited...you dont even know!

had a bday dinner to celebrate my dad's bday. technically its tomorrow and according to our news station he turns five. yeah i know, dont ask! so we got the family friends together for a meal and as always good company! these folks are like family to me - been there to support my parents through a number of situations and i've watched my parents do the same for them. so it was cool to celebrate with them. though my carrot cake turned out to be strawberry so i have to call the bakery tomorrow while i'm on the road! seriously....

alright so random but just had to post this...my friend just said to me, "my computer is like stupid boys!"

i gotta say that some old friends from my past have re-surfaced in my life in recent weeks. its been so sweet and amazing. so glad to have them back and it feels like old days....i can only say that that must be what unconditional love is...its beautiful and amazing and makes me grateful.

i'm partially delirious...going to sleep...an 18 hr trip ahead!

something got a hold of us

2009-12-16T17:18:00.000-06:00

i'm packing for my almost month long vacation from this temporary home. feels like just yesterday i was moving into this place and now i've completed a full semester. time flies...

when i first arrived, i thought i was on the cusp of one of the most amazing experiencings of my life. turned out it was just not in the way i thought it would be. funny how life does that to you now and again. i mean - those kinds of curve balls throw us for loops for sure but they also help us to see the really important things in life. curve balls also help us see what we're really made of, what we can endure, and what we want most of life.

i can say that is most definitely the case for me.

it's been a long, hard semester with lots and lots of lessons learned. despite all the changes and difficulties of the semester, there were some amazing moments too! in fact, many beautiful moments. new friendships and the returning of old friends...i'm blessed beyond measure.

there tends to be a natural inclination to cling to relationships that seem to be slipping away. i've learned that sometimes departures are necessary and i've learned that i definitely dont want people in my life who dont want to be in my life. its sometimes painful to let go and even more painful to realize the truth of the situation but in the end, we find that sometimes it was that relationship that hindered us from seeing something else so completely amazing and beautiful in our lives.

no regrets for the semester...some things i think i would've done differently if given the chance, but life can't be rewound and done over. it is what it is...what you've done is done, what you've said has been said...you cant go back and take it back, can't change it...can't make it into something different. you can learn from it, you can grow from it, but it is what it is.

it's a bit bittersweet. i'm definitely excited about the break and yes i will be traveling some super long distances over this one! have more to say but need to get on the road. love, peace, and grace always!

captive, captivated, captivating

2009-12-11T01:21:00.002-06:00

i keep thinking to myself: "what's the point in sleeping?" I should feel better prepared than I do given the amount of time I've given to preparing myself for these three tests. Two tomorrow or rather this morning and one early monday morning. i havent quite decided what to do after but i'm sure a nap will be worked into the plans somewhere.

with monday comes the end of my first semester at Tech. i have alot of mixed feelings about it. i changed my concentration earlier this week and while its not what some would expect i finally felt it was the right thing for me.

there's much i'd like to do in the spirit of the holiday season. time just has not afforded me the opportunities i had so dearly hoped for. i try to find those bright shining moments as i can but they have not been provided to me in luxury this season.

no this season would be a very quiet and still one. yes the madness that is higher education can be felt swirling around me...but the only way i know to describe it is standing in an open field on a cold winter night with just a candle and the stars and moon overhead providing direction and light.

i'm anxious to go home for the break.

ready for spring to arrive though i know that it must wait...

between now and then will come visits from my sweet little nephews. i cant even describe the joy of heart they bring to me when i think about them. so many things in my life have shifted in ways i never thought imagineable. i've not labelled them as good or bad shifts because its just not known yet. just alot of growing, stretching, and yes even tears.

good has come out of this semester...yes that i can see.

i'm grateful for the people in my life. those who have stood by me during this new phase and pursuit of goal in life. grateful for old friends who have returned and for new friendships strengthened by genuine care. i cant say that i have it all figured out. heck i dont even know if i have it partially figured out. i just know that the best i can do for now is to live each moment as best i can.

have i made terrible blunders this year? absolutely...have i had some of the most incredible experiences of my life? without a doubt....and just as always, time will keep moving - seasons will come and go. i know that i have left many disappointed but all i can say is that this is my life, my choices, my one chance to do what i was created/intended to do.

no one else knows that better than God Himself. so i trust and walk fully in Him.

there are some that i wish could see the full scope/picture of what has happened been happening over the last four months but it's just not meant for them to see. i understand that now and though i may be judged for what they perceive to be certain actions or lack of actions - in the end the people who need to know most what is really happening and what my course of action has been are those who do know.

i finally realized that i dont owe anyone any explanations for the road i've been on or the struggles i've endured. the lesson learned...dont judge others and dont compare because you truly dont know what they've been through, are goin through, or where they have been.

the one thing i can say is that i've begun to walk down the path that was paved for me and to carve my own way (the way God's directing) outside of an identity so often assigned to me. i finally tired of apologizing for being who i was created to be and realized if individuals can't accept it then they dont care for me in the way that i thought they did and dont have to be around and...so many aren't. nothing to cry about or over, though its not as painless or flippant as i may make it sound. Reminds me of a Switchfoot song "Don't be there."

Don't be there, don't be there,
'Cause I'm on my way,
And I'm already gone over,
And I'm on my way. hey...

I can't recall myself how I went down,
Did I get shot or shoot myself?

I'm down here, I'm down here,
And you're way up there,
That doesn't hurt, badly,
But it stings right here, hey...

I can't recall myself how I went down,
Did I get shot or shoot myself?

And I won't pretend there's nothing there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.

If you're a rose then I'm the thorn
that's in your side,
And does it hurt badly?
'Cause it burns right here.

I can't recall myself how I went down,
did I get shot or shoot myself?

I'd like to say hello,
I'd like to say I care,
I'd like to let you know,
That nothing here's the same with me,
Nothing here's the same.

And I can't recall myself how I went down,
Did I get shot or shoot myself?

And I won't pretend there's nothing there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.
Don't be around, Don't be there,
Don't be there.

It's a completely beautiful song but i won't get into its meaning. just to say that sometimes this realization/process is to be a part of the life we must live.

for me in the present: nothing is the same - it never could be.

no melodramatics, no waterworks, no regrets...it is what it is...and just like after all the other major and pivotal moments in life, i'll keep moving forward - keep taking steps - keep attempting to remain faithful to the truth in my heart because at the end of the day, its all i know to do.

back to the books...i am eagerly waiting for the end.....

as always - louda

Video from Matt Chandler

2009-12-09T17:13:00.002-06:00

Video from Matt

I had to post this simply because I was greatly encouraged and humbled after watching today.

I've met Matt a number of times but can't say that he would remember my name or even my face. I first met him while he was attending Hardin Simmons where he helped with Grace, a collegiate service. Jeff Berry was leading worship at the time and our own band, Signet, from the ASU BSM would often make trips up to GRACE to observe, viewing Jeff Berry as a sort of mentor/role model.

The one thing I can remember about Matt way back then was his willingness to serve and his jokes! He was quite the character then and given his servant heart, easy to see back then, it was no surprised to find him pastoring at The Village several years later.

There's an odd sort of connection there with The Village. I remember going to visit with a friend who had just moved into the Dallas area and who wanted to check out the Village. Given Matt's growing reputation, I was also eager to visit his new congregation and was doubly surprised to find Gilbert Montez serving there (now as Director of Communications). Turns out Gilbert knew my friend and in fact had been the one to invite him.

So given the recent news about Matt's health/situation; I found his video, posted on his church's website, humbling to say the least. I agree with his words and message, continue to pray for his family and situation, and am grateful for all blessings bestowed upon my own life - more than you could know.

Makes finals seem trivial and the stress of finals immaterial, frivolous, and paltry...in short, his message puts things into perspective! So no matter what you are going through I hope you find joy in your situation and will remember Matt's words.

Thank you Father for all things...for all the good and for those things I may think aren't so good!

Words of Wisdom

2009-12-09T14:55:00.003-06:00

I received a forward today titled "45 Life Lessons" by Regina Brett. There are a few of these I can completely relate to but either way - wanted to share with all of you! It's easy to get caught up in the craziness of life or to let others drag you into it!

Hope you're weeks are going well. Will post soon. I promise. In the midst of finals with final cases/homework due in the next few days! So ready for the break and not quite sure where I'll be for the next month! It's kinda nice to not know or not have plans, or to not have to be somewhere! LOL.

"45 Life Lessons" By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

2009-12-05T23:23:00.000-06:00

perfectly done

2009-12-04T16:11:00.003-06:00

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit."
~ Unknown

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”
~ Anne Bradstreet

"A difficult time can be more readily endured if we retain the conviction that our existence holds a purpose - a cause to pursue, a person to love, a goal to achieve."
~ John Maxwell

"The line between failure and success is so fine that we scarcely know when we pass it - so fine that we often are on the line and do not know it.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”
~ Mark Twain

For I the Lord thy God shall hold thy right hand and say unto thee, fear not for I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13

a little more...

2009-12-03T01:16:00.001-06:00

interesting day today. my car failed to start due to a light i left on. thank goodness for some nice people who live in my complex. got my battery boosted and i was off to the races. walking across the commuter lot to the bus hutch to wait for the next bus was like walking a frozen tundra.

tomorrow's forecast calls for a high of 32 degrees and a 30% chance of snow. welcome to the panhandle!

so after finally getting to school, i get to class and after proceeded back home. had a nice quiet lunch and worked on some projects due in the next few days and started to get a jump start on studying.

took a nice break to talk to an old friend, not that she's old, but in that i've known her since i was in elementary. the conversation was genuine and it felt like old times. i'd almost forgotten what that was like. i dont understand why but there have been alot of re-entries of old friends into my life in the last few months. completely welcomed and has made me realize the amount of love in my life. sometimes hard to see...

its almost as if God knew i'd need to see it and see it NOW. i've had such bittersweet and solitary moments in the last few weeks. i had joked with my best friend about having a 30 day mourning period...just realizing that some things should just be let go. its hard to relinquish what once was or what you thought would be...hard to let it go for uncertainty and unfamiliarity. its bittersweet because while it can be painful you know that what's coming is better and what's to come could never come in your current state.

once again abstract.

just 11 more days until the end of the semester, at least for me. my last final is Dec 14tha nd i'm trying to decide where to spend my winter break. classes start back up Jan 13. hard to believe the year is coming to an end. i'm sure i'll do some year-end reflecting. just won't be tonite.

i'd like to talk about my experience at "Carol of Lights" tonight on campus. i ended up going by myself which i think surprised some people but i really wanted to go and everyone was working on cases or had class. so i decided a bit last minute but managed to get there early enough to find a parking spot by the library and walk over. i didnt think it was going to be as cold as it was....

i'd never been to one of these things so i was kinda curious to see what it was all about. the processional led by the Masked Rider, Raider Red, and the Saddle Tramps lasted about 25 minutes but the bell tower was chiming christmas music just before. there were tons of people so it was a bit festive almost a buzz in the air with excitement. so i find a spot and this group of guys ends up behind me. i have to say a big "thank you" to the sarcastic humor of this group...kept me laughing most of the night. so i'm thinking ok when the lights come on I better be wowed!

well wowed i was but not in a good way...needless to say...i'm glad i went and took part in some school tradition. something i had promised myself i'd do. i short changed myself, in terms of a normal college experience, the first time around for a number of reasons. given the opportunity to set things right the second time, i had decided i wanted to take advantage of all i could. hoping to do more of that in the semester to come but i'll blog about that later.

i had to run back home after because i forgot about an errand i needed to run. so i managed to defrost before heading back out..ran the errand and headed over to Barnes and Noble.

i dont know what it is about bookstores that leaves me in awe....i mean i really love books. like the library in the British Museum...holy cow! not that cows are holy...but you get my drift. its like "aaaahhhhhh" and then the "hallelujah chorus" starts right after. so yeah...needed to find a book i'd been looking for and had forgotten about a gift card i received from graduation. so i found two books and the end transaction cost me $3.80! so thank you gift card and giver of the gift card.

met up with a friend for a quiet dinner and then headed home. have to say that today was a nice departure from the week and its only wednesday. i'm completely grateful for the little things...still trying to work through some of the major things...but over all..the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and i'm breathing easier than i have in a long while.

have an interview tomorrow...praying it goes well. will spend most of the day working on a case study and actually studying. i know dont faint. i need to insure my "a's" will remain "a's" and the only way to do that is to know the material and know it well for finals. the countdown to the end of semester 1 has begun!

it's been one of the hardest semesters but i have hope that it will be better than this...

Christmas time is here....

2009-12-01T22:11:00.002-06:00

so there's a story behind this song but i'm to tired to write about it...so i'll just leave you with the song and will explain tomorrow! night!

had to post this one too...

Let go

2009-12-01T08:05:00.003-06:00

the irony...stats test this morning and my brain is swimming. with what? last week...this week...next week...

i stopped studying sometime around 7am this morning because honestly...i just dont care. i should but in the grand scheme of things, it just doesnt seem that relevant. i could stress over it and be worried but what good would that do? it would only cause me to lose my focus on the other 99 million things that need my attention to finish out this semester well. there's plenty more on my plate and stress only leads to anxiety which leads to distraction. no, don't need any of that.

ok so i know that i should proably address my last post about my frantic departure from the thanksgiving festivities. once again, details will be minimal. just to say that the events of the day can all be traced back to miscommunication from a usual source and that led to dramatic/climatic events which i just couldn't stomach.

did i get turkey, laughter, love, and all the pie i could eat? in short, no. not by any means...

no my thanksgiving day meal included whataburger at 10:30 pm after arriving back home. yes i know...for some of you, i know that may sound "delicious" but i don't eat those kinds of foods except in extreme circumstances so it was by no means a "great joy" to be choking down sticks of death and a burger at that hour...but i was starved, cooking was not an option, and wasn't feeling well.

i had to do a bit of soul searching and needed to face more realizations. my only sadness is that it took something so drastic for me to see what should have been clear as day. i learned something about empowerment and learned something about making others happy: i can do something about empowerment and i can do nothing about making others happy.

there's a "debbie downer" in my life that has quite literally zapped the life and energy out of me. outwardly i didn't feel stressed but what i realized is that i'd been surpressing what i really felt to make others happy - a sacrifice i'm not longer willing to make. I also realized that no matter what I do, someone is going to find fault with my decisions and so....my decisions should be my own and made for myself not for others.

i also realized that where i'm at is not my "home" by any means. i came here thinking i would have a strong support system but any level of support that i have here will be leaving come August. i thought why sacrifice the joys of life to be "here" for something that simply doesn't exist. i might as well go where i know it does - and yes, there is such a place.

so here's the official announcement unbeknownst to my parents (will tell them this weekend) - I will not be going to law school at Tech regardless of my application outcome. i've stated before that i needed the isolation that being here brings - necessary lessons along with necessary departures: a requirement in the process of life. sometimes you need drought like conditions to flourish - like some dessert flowers/plants.

I didn't completely understand it until i had a deep/light hearted conversation with some old friends over an iced mocha (also known as frozen hot chocolate). the plan became clear in that moment and it was like the light bulb magically lit. not really, but it was if you will, an "ah-ha" moment for me.

all the things i had been praying for or at least most of them - made clear as day and it was accompanied by peace. no irrational thinking, no decision making based on emotion - no...this was a "my situation cannot remain as it is - what should i do?"

now - i will say my decision to throw my luggage in my car and come back Thanksgiving Day was rash. and yes, i did totally flip my lid. Can't even lie about that...but at the time, it seemed the best decision. in hind sight, i still think it was. i needed to recover both emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. I had some time away to think clearly through the situation and get to the root of the issue. i can't lay complete blame in other parties and can/will only be responsible for my part.

i also realized that i was harboring more than i thought possible which is contributing to my consistent colds and not feeling well over the last three months. enough with that...working on living life in a happier state and that means eliminating negativity and negative elements in my life. I just cant deal with it anymore/rather i dont want to deal with it anymore...as in i might seriously have a nervous break down if i don't recover my stores to full health.

i truly want happiness for all the people in my life and for all the people i love deeply, but i can't generate happiness for them and from all appearances to some i appear to be a source of irritation for whatever reason. it's ok...again nothing dramatic but i'm not going to continue to remain where i'm not welcomed. i've lived, i've learned, and am now moving forward.

in the present - i'm exhausted and i know that the next few weeks are going to put me to the test...that's what school's all about, no? its ok..i'm ready for the challenge and returned home with clarity of mind. working on building up the stores to be fully prepared for the weeks to come.

not sure how christmas is going to shake down and not even sure where i'm spending it but i just know that i don't want to endure another "thanksgiving fiasco." there's no negative connotations associated with fiasco here...it took the events of the day to drive me to some much needed realizations and for that i'm completely grateful. its like the "captive is free" type stuff.

headed to statistics and to the "test" of the day...ready or not: here I come.

p.s. i do believe a donut and diet dp may be in order for the morning!

let me forget

2009-11-27T00:22:00.003-06:00

after a disasterous day, I decided to come back to the peace and quiet of my home. i was leaving to take a break from the stress i was encountering here but ended up finding more than i bargained for.

returning was the lessor of the two evils.

still not feeling well. in fact, i'm feeling worse so i'm looking forward to a couple of days of peaceful and quiet rest. will try to spend some time studying, doing homework, and getting ready for finals.

i know my departure was unforeseen and i bolted like there was no tomorrow, but seriously I had to get back for my own sanity and the safety of everyone involved. it was best.

weekend did not go as i had hoped or had planned. But i'm also realize that things can't remain as they are. the things i once tolerated, i'm no longer willing to tolerate. nothing dramatic about it, just is what it is.

desperately need to sleep. will see how i feel in the morning.

In Repair

2009-11-26T12:07:00.001-06:00

Thought I'd post one last bit before the weekend ensues.

Getting dressed to head out with the family for Thanksgiving Lunch and all that it encompasses. So ready for the laughs, company, and incredible food. With three chefs at the helm, its gotta be great! We started the festivities last night with a surprise party for not one but two cousins! Completely caught them off guard which was awesome! Then it was off to the races to prepare my assigned dishes for today's meal.

Most everything was shipped off with my brother headed to my cousins where indoubtedly, we'll spend most if not all of the day. Not sure what else is in store for the weekend but just know I have got to get some studying and homework done. No Black Friday sales for me! :(

It's ok. I've not been feeling well for a few weeks now. Have more or less an idea of what it is but have set up appointments for after the winter break. Nothing serious as of now just praying that it won't require any extensive medical intervention. I've managed to go this long without it so I'm hoping that will be the case for a bit longer. We shall see...

Allergies are actin up again...darn cold front...all that dust being blown around. So just trying to contain and minimize symptoms. I do not want to be sick during finals. I was last year and it was miserable! Makes studying almost, if not near impossible.

Ok so I'm sure you're thinking, John Mayer? In Repair? Is there some hidden message there? No...there's not. Though I can say I relate to the song a bit and if I really am honest, have been there for a long, long while...starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.

The version of this that I really like is from ACL a few years ago....click on ACl and it will take you to the video link. My brother and I were at ACL that year and saw this performance live. I was going through transition then and as I look back I see that it was truly for the best. That difficult time in my life led to some of the most amazing accomplishments and events. So being thankful for adversity /challenges seems to be a continued theme for today's post. what can I say? it's where i'm at...and i just gotta be honest about that.

I can't believe the year has come and is almost gone. I'm definitely attempting to make th emost of the time left. Keeping my head up and remaining positive about my situation knowing that hope and true love never fails...and that is found only in Jesus/the Father.

What's been really awesome about this journey is that for one I've learned so much but even more so learned about myself more than i thought possible. I've been able to see how life connects in a way that's much like a puzzle or links along a railroad. I can't control others...can't make decisions for them...can't make them do what i want...all i can do is attempt to do the best with what i have. Be fair and good to people...love always, hope always, and be gracious always. Easier said than done by far.

There's much to work on for 2010 and while i'd like to jump ahead and ponder on the possbilities. I know better. oh no...no expectations this time around. Just going to get on the train and enjoy the ride. A far different approach. So thankful for people who love because they love God and desire to honor Him. Grateful for words of encouragement, for lives and journeys shared, for quiet moments, for beauty found in landscape, lessons learned, moments lived, and experiences remembered.

My goal for 2010 is to leave people better than I found them and I pray that all the experiences of 2009 in the end made me a better person. In the last month of this year, I hope to do my best to bring honor and glory only where its due.

Wishing and praying for a day of rest, peace, family, and love for each of you!

thanksgiving and thankful giving

2009-11-26T01:40:00.001-06:00

So much to be thankful for. It’s easy to look at what we may not have or what we may want but seems to be missing from our lives. Sorta' that whole cup half full/half empty thing.

I prefer to look at it from a different angle: a cup that runeth over.

This day has been insane. Filled with lots of changes and uncertainty.

Really...that has been my year.

I've moved from silent observer to active participant: such a huge shift.

Challenges and difficulties had to be part of the process...those things make us grow: help us to see life from new angles and gain fresh perspectives. They also stretch us and sometimes painfully so. It's all necessary if we're ever to arrive to that next mile marker in the road.

I can't look at what I don't have or what I think I need. To do so says that the God, I profess to have the ability to provide for all my needs, can't meet those needs. That's simply just not true.

So I look at what I do have: the blessings I've been given...the beautiful people in my life, the opportunities afforded to me...and the places I've been carried through to arrive at this junction in the road.

Life has been soooo beautifully complicated in the last few months. I know, I know. I'm moving towards simplicity but sometimes you gotta' unravel the complications to get to the simplistic: that's my process now. It’s not a nice feeling, but necessary. Oh so necessary.

I oscillate between frustration and peace; happiness and disappointment; irritation and love. The frailty and beauty of my humanity.

I'm not going to divulge the issues at heart. It’s not any one given situation or any one single relationship. Much more like many things changing and moving into new directions at once. It can be overwhelming and can definitely knock you off your feet. But even for that, I'm grateful.

Driving home, I spent a lot of time considering those things most important in my life and why. It’s hard to love difficult people and Lord knows I've had some of those in my life recently. I've thought about unconditional love and the possibilities of where I'd be without it. Thought about sacrifices made and the journeys of the people I love most.

Something’s are better left unsaid and so I have kept silent about many things because in many instances, I've just not been sure. I don't like presumptions to be made of me and so I work to not make presumptions of others or of situations.

While I'm generally happy about being where I'm at for the present, I've come to realize I don’t want to remain there long (meaning my physical location). There's a sort of isolation that occurs from being that far north that for the moment is necessary but not one I'm extremely excited about.

This is huge partly because I expected to be there for a few years more. I'm exploring other options though they are not ones I've previously publicly spoken about. I may have mentioned them briefly as considerations but have never given these options a high priority on the list of locations. Again the ambiguities - I know.

There's more praying to be done but I believe a new shift has already begun.

While this season has not been easy, I can say that yes I am grateful for it. I'm grateful for the lessons learned, the tears shed, the prayers prayed, the family and friends loved...and for each moment given as a gift. Life is a gift. No matter what we face or where we may go.

I've been afforded many, many, many blessings in this last year. Major mile markers in my life and while some left me on a mountain top others found me in a valley. It is life...so while most give thanks for the blessings, I must give thanks for the challenges. For those people who have been thorns in my side or caused immeasurable pain...who have tried to thwart plans or throw wrenches in the works to deter plans...thank you...

You don’t know who you really are or what you're really made of until you face adversity. It’s when you are challenged that who you really are emerges and is tested. Without challenges, without adversity - life would be easy and choices clear...but it’s the wake of adversity and challenges that make hard work necessary and the rewards sweeter.

I don’t think I could understand the true beauty of the love of TRUE friends if it weren't for the flakiness of fair weather friends. I most certainly appreciate my true friends much more genuinely because of it. In knowing and embracing truth, it is then that we can pick out deceit and the counterfeits.

I’ve thought about that a lot. Thought about the kind of friend/family member I am to those in my life. Thought about what I give my energies too and what I focus my time on...thought about those things most important to my life and the priorities I’ve developed. It’s been eye-opening for sure and challenging.

I’ve said challenging a bit in this one...but it’s true...

I am most thankful for challenges...thankful for being put to the test and for hard work. It makes us better people always and keeps us honest in a way we need most.

So thank you Father for all the wonderful things you have brought to my life and things you have done and even for the things you have decided not to bring to my life and decided not to do. Thank you for challenges, thank you for pressing me, and thank you for loving me enough to discipline me. At times, it doesn’t feel great, but I know it’s necessary to spur me on to greatness and the plans you have for me. There is a beauty in pain that leads to redemption and brings me to light.

Lovesick but not in the way you might presume....

Feeling like:

I’m a shipwreck a sailor lost at sea. You’re a tidal wave and you're crashing over me. Caught in your current and I’m sinking but drowning peacefully.

Will be up in a few hours to make stuffing, sweet potato casserole, and my infamous Southern Banana Split Cake.

Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

May your day be filled with lots of love, laughter, family, friends, and all the pie you can eat!

suitcases and shoes

2009-11-25T01:12:00.000-06:00

Started writing this Nov 23rd:

i've been trying to write this blog for the last hour or so. i should probably be in bed sleeping but my nap earlier this afternoon did me in.

cold front blew through, unbeknownst to me, and i was out for the count. with all the cotton farming going on, alot of dirt is being kicked up triggering massive allergies. not fun stuff but i'm dealing with it. the only problem is that when i take allergy meds during the day i tend to be a bit foggy and want to sleep which is why i took a nap today.

woke up in a haze with enough time to make a solid attempt at taming my "bad-hair-day" hair. why was i trying to tame my hair? cause i was having dinner with a good friend at our usual spot. those meals have been a saving grace in so many ways! first its just good healthy food, second good company, and third great conversation. fellowship does something to the soul that i can't quite put into words right now (my brain is in the process of shutting down).

Continued Nov 25th:

the trip home was super zas fast. i managed to fall into a group of students travelling home so i was able to "fly like the wind." made it home in less than 3 hours which was nice.

i dont know what i was thinkin when i was packing, but i evidently forgot i was only going to be gone 5 nights and 6 days cause i brought enough cloths to last a couple of weeks. like i might of brought more with me home than i did when i went to europe for a month! ish...lol...so that meant three bags. one for cloths, one for shoes, and another one with miscellaneous stuff...

it was late when i started packing and i was not in a conservative space saving type mood. no, it was...ok this is more or less what i need...throw it in the bag! the clothes are nicely folded etc...but i didnt really plan out what i'm wearing on what day. its gonna be an outfit toss-up for the next few days! love it!

i realize that it's late and i'm up watching Transformers II. actually, i spent most of the evening watchin movies. And....drum roll please, i made chocolate chip cookies. it was a nice quiet evening and my brain got to decompress a bit.

still trying to figure out what to do with my phone. will try to sort that out by the weekend. have a feeling this thanksgiving is gonna be a bit laid back and that's perfectly ok with me. gonna be nice to not have to prepare everything! HP it's all you!

hmmmm so yeah...all i have to prepare is my famous stuffing and sweet potato casserole and maybe my southern banana split cake...we'll see.

gonna keep things low key for the remainder of the week. gonna try to get in some studying before heading back to LBK. checked out the forecast and we might be getting some snow! whooo hooo...

not exactly excited about the cold. mainly cause i gotta be in and out of the cold to get to and from class. its not like good ole ASU park by the building and walk in...

no, my journey involves a commuter lot, standing out in the cold waiting for a bus, getting on the bus (which is usually warm), then getting off the bus and taking a brisk walk into the building and repeating that back out to my car. its lots of fun...especially when you have to cross the street and pray that a bus doesnt come barreling down the road and run you over or a car for that matter...

I have to say that Lubbock drivers are THE WORST I've ever seen...and i've been all over...including ITALIAN drivers..and let me just say that they are pretty bad.

ok so speaking of Italian drivers, I saw Angels and Demons tonight with my parents which I originally saw in a theater in Rome in both Italian and English. completely awesome experience. so watching the movie brought back so many memories! and of course most of the sites in the movie, i actually visited or got to see....so that was cool...just made me thankful for this year and some of the experiences I was blessed to be a part of.

hard to believe that i'm at Tech and in grad school...seemed like it would never happen though i know that's not true at all...but getting to that point in the road was a major undertaking. i love where i live now...and am slowly getting acclamated to life in a new place. getting to know more people in my program which is cool and trying to convince old friends to come up and be a part of it.

anyhow...been pretty amazing and gave me much to be thankful for. then there's my totally awesome parents who i just cant say enough about. honestly if it werent for them, i dont know where i'd be in the pursuit of this dream.

so i'm glad to spend this holiday season with good friends and family. so very necessary.

which brings me to the topic of my next blog: family. i realized something today. but its late and i want to sleep!

so i'm gonna leave you with this video from an old school song...dont know why it popped into my head today but reminds me of my bro and the "back-in-the-days" days! lol...alright...nighty nites!

P.S. enjoy the video!

Let me in

2009-11-20T17:21:00.000-06:00

I had to post this video...thought it was the most hilarious, cutest, sadest thing i'd ever seen! I love this song and love the interpretation of the maker of this video! ok so here it is:

Let Me In
by Save Ferris

Claude Kelly

2009-11-20T15:15:00.002-06:00

I just heard a song that almost completely describes what i've been feelin in the last few days. blagh!

don't you just hate that?

i've been working on a few posts pertaining to specific subjects. just like a work of art, they arent quite ready yet. trying to gather my thoughts and organize them so that they dont come across as convoluted. coming at a number of topics from several differing viewpoints. the nature of conversations, observations, readings, lessongs learned, etc...

i've come to that junction in the road where i'm startin over the massive hill and steam rollin towards the finish line. YES! The semester will soon come to a close. we're less than three weeks away from finals and can we say "STRESS" and "CRUNCH TIME." for the most part, i'm feel pretty calm about the chaotic work load related to school.

alot of other things going on in my life as well. i'd rather not think about any of it until i get through the semester. kinda like deal with the aftermath. i dont recommend it by any means but i just dont have the energies to deal with certain "dramas" right now. i'm doing good to keep my brain wrapped around stats, finance, and marketing....

distractions - you are not welcomed...and as i posted on facebook. Mr Drama Llama you are not my friend!

my parents will be here over the weekend for our last TTU home game. excited and ready to be home for a while. get to spend 5 days at home! i can say that i've come to really really really appreciate my parents on so many levels in the last few months. cant say enough about their love and support. no questions asked just providing what i need when i need it. if that's not God's unconditional love then i must be blind!

i've been asked quite a bit over the last few weeks if i like TTU and the MBA program here. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that "yes, i do really like it." gotten to know some great people pursuing goals and chasing after dreams. its beautiful - really. new people in my life that have provided alot of encouragement and "you-can-do-it"-ness!

i'm not looking forward to winter here though...i've gotten glimpses of it as cold fronts have moved on through and whewwww!!!! its BRRRR RABBIT up in the LBK. i've got my wool coats out including the scarves, gloves, and next purchase will include some golashes. it floods like a beast on campus.

working on the first posting for the singled out womens' online bible study. whew...that's a mouth full. so i've been rereading through the first chapter of our text and waiting on my study guide to come in. but making notes in the margins and such.

This latest project has provided alot of focus and encouragement. Super excited to see where it leads us and what comes of it.

my current project is cleaning my apt since my parents will be arriving later this evening. trying to finish up lanudry and get things put away and such like books, notes, notebooks, laptops, etc...lots of papers from homework, case studies, and reading. ish! i even went through like 60 pairs of socks and matched them with their pairs! lol...insanity. i mean who has that many pairs of socks to begin with and this coming from the lady who likes to run around in chanclas all the time.

i had to check the weather this morning cause i seriously wanted to wear chanclas but it was toooooo cold! glad i decided against that one cause at the bus stop this morning around 10:30 the wind was blowin and yea...so glad i was wearing a full coverage shoe!

so back to this cleaning stuff: I just have to say that I have mad respect for people with families who do the work/school thing full-time! blessings to you and hope you all have a great weekend.

Thanksgiving is moving fast upon us and I have lots to be thankful for this season! Be sure to give thanks for the blessings in your life too!

i'm not a super buffet

2009-11-19T22:48:00.007-06:00

You can't turn back the hands of time and change what's already transpired, can't change your circumstances or make your experience into something other than what it was to begin with. Sure you can learn: and in learning and growing your past can be transformed into something used positively in and for the future. But you can’t make it altogether disappear.

We've all heard it said that time heals all wounds and I have to say from my own experiences: yes, it most certainly does. It almost seems that time moves more slowly during those periods though. Why is that? We've all experienced loss on some level. The death of a loved one, a broken relationships, or dreams gone awry; something we wanted more than anything on the planet and then watched it slip through our fingers into the abyss. Sometimes it was for our good and other times because of our own actions. Sometimes we understand exactly why it must be so and other times we're left bewildered and dumbfounded.

I can only say that it’s a process and that on one day we feel a certain way and then another we don't. Emotions/feelings don't last forever and eventually we begin to see the sun peeking through the clouds making way for brighter days and newer seasons to arrive.

This seems to be the season of heartache. Many of you have gone through break-ups or are going through difficult times with significant others currently. Don't worry: I'm not pinpointing anyone specific but if we've had a conversation about it, then you know I'm talking to you. I don't have any answers as to the why's or when's. I can only say thank you for sharing with me your journeys and for trusting me with your feelings.

I know it's not been easy and I can't say when better days will come, but I know EACH of you will survive this season. You won't be victims: you will be better, stronger, and more secure because of it. I pray for each of you and know that God is with you, seeing you through and in those tough moments when the emotions well, know that He's there willing and ready to listen. Climb into His lap and let Him know how you feel...and then when it’s all been said and done, let it go.

There's more I'd like to say but I need some time to develop my thoughts with the right combination of words. The issue has to do with maintaining the integrity of my views on anonymity. I've never been one to really mask what I feel or how I see things. I've been told by many that I wear my heart on my sleeve and there are definitely moments when I alternate between leaving people clueless as to what I'm thinking or how I feel and moments when there are no doubts as to what I think or how I feel.

Life in recent months has taken a lot of unexpected turns, both for me and my family and I've had to face some stark realizations. I don't gloss over and pretend something is when it isn't. A long, long time ago, I once did and out of the painful results of doing so, I decided I didn't want to be "that girl." By incorporating some really honest and straight-forward people in my life, I’ve managed to stay on the straight and narrow keeping/maintaining as "right” of a perspective/view as possibly given my range of "crazy life" experiences.

I was reading through some past blogs and went through some old journals recently. Just needed to gain some perspective on what I once thought I wanted of this life, what I’d felt God wanted for me, and then ultimately seek what God really DOES want for me.

Digging into the past can be painful and all in the same moment can be so completely joyful. You have the opportunity to see where you've come and what you've been carried through into the present. Hindsight is powerful and often you gain a very different view of your situation/circumstances. Unfortunately, we're not afforded with that luxury ahead of time to guide us in the choices/decisions we make. That kind of hindsight might deter us from some necessary lessons.

Many of you are aware that I took a very, very long hiatus from organized ministry. So many reasons but in short...I just really needed to step back from voices I'd given place in my life....voices in leadership that said "oh you have this talent or are great at this and should be doing this or involved in this or you're a leader assist us with this" and led me along these paths as "partners." Well that was just as long as I was the "yes" man and in complete agreement, everything was gravy but the very moment I voiced concerns or raised opposition, gone like a bolt of lightning these people they were...and too many times I felt I was left holding the bag.

Reminds me of June Cash and her story to Johnny about being the little boy with his finger in the dam wall. It is for that reason I'm so very cautious and often times at distrust with individuals. So many promises...so many spoken pretty words and very little action backing those words. It is also for that reason that I don't trust words unless they are backed by action.

Maybe it shouldn’t be that way, something Jesus and I are working on, but it is what it is. So for me, I needed to step outside of that and see clearly and hear clearly outside of those voices. I learned how to better detect wolves in sheep clothing and to be smarter about the choices I make concerning how and what I decide to be involved in and with. It also made me realize the following:

I am who I am, faults and all. You don’t get to pick and choose what you like and re-assemble me into something you want. I'm not a super buffet. It's all or nothing and the only one who has the power and right to make any changes is God and God alone. Unconditional love is loving despite their faults because true love isn't about self and what I want.

I've watched too many individuals take that approach to relationships. The "let me pick and choose what I want, let me be conditional in my feelings for you" approach. As long as it’s convenient for you, as long as you stand to gain, as long as I benefit you - only then am I allowed to be involved and part of your life or given place. The moment it becomes too difficult or beyond the effort you want to give...you walk...such sadness...

(Please know I’m not talking specifically about myself. Merely using "I/You" in a generality.)

Taking that kind of approach to any relationship can cause you to miss out on something beautiful and amazing. I hear several of my friends going through this experience and see them in pain, and honestly...my heart breaks for them. Each of them (my friends) is so uniquely gifted with different perspectives and offerings: all super great God loving people. It makes me sad to see them walking through this. That makes me sad that some people don’t see that beauty and don’t appreciate it in the same way.

My own experiences have left me in a state where I can say that I can relate. It’s never easy to face realities and to confront truths that hurt but that's exactly where healing begins...in truth. First, in being honest with yourself and then in continuing to maintain that honesty and moving forward. Easier said than done for certain.

There are some things/situations I’d like to forget altogether; just completely erase them from my mind, but that's not possible. No...we must deal and walk through the consequences of our choices. In the end, it makes us better people, I’m sure of it. Makes us more aware of God's love for us and makes us grateful that He's not a man that He should lie but is with US ALWAYS.

God never gives us more than we can handle and never leaves us on the road alone: something I remind myself of always. I know that on the bus rides going from school to my car when I start to stare into nowhere cause my thoughts wander to situations in my life that He's there with me. He's constantly reminding me that all things are under His control even when it doesn’t seem so.

A year ago I lost one of my cats. Came back from a trip to find he had passed on. Apart from losing my grandmother so many years ago, I’ve never experienced that kind of loss. I didn't realize how much I loved that cat until he was gone. I cried for three days solid and simply could not understand why I was so saddened by his departure.

A friend of mine called me to see how I was doing. My response was, "I don’t know why I'm crying, he was just a cat!" I couldn’t see it clearly at the time...but love has a funny way of sneaking up on you sometimes. I fell in love with Señor Poochie...his funny way of meowing at me or playing catch with me had somehow captured my affections.

In his absence, I finally fully realized just how deeply I cared and loved him. A year later, I still miss him...still love him but my memories of him are different now. I don’t immediately think about his stinky breath or how he'd meow in my face at 5am to be feed...No, my memories are of his crazy antics of bringing me his toys to play fetch with and how he'd sit with me watching TV. Cracks me up now.

The point being that yes it took some time to get to a positive place a place where I could think of him and not cry but I eventually did. The first few days after he was gone were the hardest and most painful....but I can say that I didn't feel that same pain when I walked the stage at graduation (6 months later) or boarded a plane to Italy or even moved to Lubbock...and while the loss of a human relationship is not the same as that of a pet by any means...the idea regarding "time and healing" is.

Listening to you and reflecting on my own experiences, I was reminded of a Bonnie Raitt song, "You can’t make someone love you"...how true...can’t make them choose to stay, can’t make them decide to do what it takes to make things work...can't make them love you the way you want to be loved.

All you can do is be responsible for you and your choices and at the end of the day you have to trust that God will make what you give be more than enough for the right person. This is Allison Iraheta's version of that song...

After re-reading this blog, I had some additional thoughts to add in regards to "not being able to make someone love you." I thought about my relationship with God. Isn't that what He wants of me? For me to love Him because He is who He is and without reservation? Will post an additional blog about this in the next few days (11-22-09)

love you all: continuing to pray that brighter days arrive sooner than later...

Rev Run Wisdom and wisdom from others...

2009-11-17T20:50:00.005-06:00

ain't that the truth!

Ladies: Trying to forget someone u love, is like trying to remember someone u never knew... Impossible!

he's rackin them up tonight. here's another one:

The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesnt want to be held on to.. real talk

more words of wisdom, this time from my best friend:

There is freedom in saying the things you should have said but didn't because of fear.

for a friend going through some stuff

statistically speaking

2009-11-17T11:03:00.004-06:00

it finally happened. my phone is bah-roke. service is supposed to be de-activated until i can figure out exactly what i'm going to do. at the moment, i can receive calls but cannot make any nor receive any text messages, so if you try to call or send a text and i dont respond, yeah that's why....

i really really dislike Sprint. hate might be a better description of how i feel towards their service/product, but i'm attempting to remain positive today so we'll just use dislike for now.

i've been teeter-tottering about staying with sprint or jumping ship to another service provider.

the last time i went without phone service was while i was away overseas during the summer and then just delayed turning service back on for a few weeks. it was kinda nice! so maybe i'll enjoy the break.

i'm in stats and seriously, this is sad....my class is sad i mean. about 1/3 of the class is actually here and most look comatose already and we're just 30 min into the lecture. im just glad i was smart enough to save my materials from my undergrad stat work so i can rely on that for assistance.

i'm thinking today might be a arts and crafts day. i need some creativity in my life after having to deal with some jabroni's in my life. i'm trying to rid my life of idiotic drama on almost every level. More importantly...learning to walk away from drama and people who only care about themselves. i cant do anything for those kinds of people and honestly - dont want to surround my life with those kinds of personalities. been there, done that and all i can say is that it's draining...as in drains the life, joy, and energy outta ya.

yeah - cant do that anymore. i got enough on my plate to be concerned with dont need to add anything in addition to what is absolutely necessary. again, i'll reiterate - dont make assumptions here...you probably dont know exactly what i'm talkin about. in fact - i can almost guarantee you dont know what i'm talking about.

that seems to be the danger about blogging. people sometimes assume the subject matter you're bloggin about refers to them which sometimes - yeah it is...sometimes its a combination of situations, and sometimes its someone elses situation.

when referring to someone else's situation, i try to put it into my perspective so as not to expose the party that the subject is related to - most especially when i dont have permission to use the person's identity in the situation. i try to maintain a bit of sensitivity in that regard. some situations - its better not to identify the parties involved...would only cause more drama for them and that is never my intention.

all i gotta say is that i'm done dealing with rude people....

i woke up this mornin' determined to make the most of the day. challenges are in my wake and i'm not exactly looking forward to any of it, but hey - sometimes you just gotta "buck up" and do what's gotta be done. (ok people are droppin outta this class like flies!)

it's been a tough, tough semester. i made some decisions back in august that i'm now dealing with the consequences of. should've stuck with the plan and instead i took a risk and deviated. cant say i haven't learned anything from it, because i totally did...

but you know...when you ask the Father to open a door and provide and then when He does, and you go and slam the door in His face...yeah...not a good thing by any means! and that was one HARD lesson to learn. i've since repented from the error of my ways and am working to make things right. let me just say, i defintely don't want to do that again.

you live, you learn...that is the way of the world. i'd prefer to live, ask, listen, obey, then learn...definitely a much better way to go...probably with less heartbreaking moments as well. but no, sometimes i'm "terca" which i'm learning sometimes lands me in tough spots i could've avoided.

one of my closest friends gave me a quote, "wisdom is learning from experience, preferably not your own." so true, so true. that is my hope with my writings...that maybe you'll learn somethin and can avoid the pitfalls i sometimes succumb to but even greater in purpose, that you might walk away with hope - that yeah you can do more than survive in this thing called life. above the "cannon ball runs" with the drama llama, i can say that i'm blessed beyond measure.

life sometimes gets rough/hard but i know beyond any shadow of a doubt that God's with me always. it is the one promise, i am most CERTAIN of (there are others of course but it is the one i'm most confident about). so when things look like they're getting ugly...i remind myself that, i'm not alone in this.

when things are good, i remind myself of that too. its easy to forget when things are good and so i'm grateful for tough moments in life. tough moments remind me of who's really in control. its not me, for sure!!! and just when it seems everything is going to crumble, God always comes through and provides exactly what i need when i need it. how can i weep and wallow over that? its more than i deserve and that has a definite way of bringin' humility and clarity to the things that are most important in life.

i'm upon that part of the road where endurance is being tested. as i look back from where i've come, its too far to go back - just gotta keep pressing forward - not only that, but why would i want to go back. living life abundantly and free can often become convoluted and entangled by our own self-imposed encumbrances. oh no, thank you! hence blockin the drama llama.

i gotta dedicate this post to my peoples....fly girl/blanche, silent smoker/sophia, vanilla ice, jenny from the block/hp/rick, rox rox, B Ram, god bless you, and the SA fashionistas...you have made me laugh, crazy mad - sometimes to the point of tears, bringing such great measure of joy reminding me that better days are just a conversation away! i love each of you and pray incredible blessings for what you add to my life. thanks for believing and practicing addition and not subtraction!

Instead of practicing subtraction and division, I've decided that today I will engage in addition and multiplication.

FOTOS Y RECUERDOS

2009-11-17T01:09:00.000-06:00

monday has not gone as planned. not to say its not going well...

i woke up this morning lagging before i even got out of bed. not sure what it is. im starting to think age may be affecting my abilities to travel. i'd rather believe it has to do with recovering from the respiratory trauma of last week but who knows. not to mention a nice little ol' cold front rolled right on through last night. it was brrrr rabbit.

alot of travel in recent weeks and more to come in the weeks that will follow. i can say i'm excited about the next few trips on the books! those of you who have known me for any extended length of time, know that i pretty much spend more time everywhere else in Texas than where ever it is that i'm living (with the exception of the last school year).

But even then, i did alot of day trips to Brownwood while my sister and fam were living there and trips up to LBK to visit my bro. i'm a travel-holic: i think. my last extended travel stint was my texas tour before moving further north. this last months travel, consisted of going back to angelo - several trips there.

so its really no big deal for me to drive three hours somewhere and back. i've even done dallas like that...yes, it's crazy i know. but hey, you do what you have to do.
i'm sure i've given the impression that i'm home sick (with all the trips back to angelo). uhhhmm, yeah - not necessarily so. don't get me wrong - miss lots of people who live there but i also love where i'm living now and honestly, really do like it here. however, i left in such a hurry that i didnt necessarily tie up loose ends when i moved out here. i mean its been whirlwind since getting back from Europe.

so now - i'm paying the piper and having to take care of those things that are pressing and tie up loose ends - things like car maintenance, paperwork, sending stuff to storage, etc...i still have a closet full of cloths at my parents house, so im trying to get rid of excess while keeping the necessities. its taken more time than i realised it would.

i made some decisions which drastically affected my current situation so i've been working on sorting out those details and that takes a bit of time. not anything drastic or bad just working at making some changes and being smart about the future.

so that means another big change come the start of the new year. all good stuff but it will be a while before i see the positive effects. it does however, create some shifts in the present that arent always fun but they're necessary. i love adulthood....lol

trying to get back to san antonio to visit friends. hopefully that will go down during thanksgiving weekend. will keep you posted.

there's a couple of things i wanted to address but its late. might have to wait until i have clarity of mind. took a nap today and that threw me a bit. definitely left me refreshed and ready to finish out the day. deadlines are getting a bit intensive as we barrel towards the holidays. can't believe the semester is coming to a close in a few weeks. feels like just yesterday we were kickin off orientation. i'll be 1/3 of the way through with my MBA at the end of the semester.

had some really hilarious conversations today. just gotta say that laughing is sooooo where its at. I posted the following quote on facebook.

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. ~Bob Newhart

ain't that the truth. something about being silly with girlfriends that know you well that can give you a new spin on things...well that and cake! lol.. but that's a story for another time. life is crazy but for the moment, its good!

midnight voyage

2009-11-14T01:25:00.002-06:00

senorita poochie is joining me for tonight's blog.

today was interesting. i managed to get mostly packed last night but for some reason had a hard time sleeping or maybe it was waking up. had the swollen puffy eyes thing going on but i did feel better than i did wed and am continuing to see improvement on the whole respiratory issues.

i thought i would load everything before heading to class but realized that wasn't gonna happen. so i take off, get to class and see that half the class is missing...turned in my homework and sat through the class. when it was over, i raced out the door right and then realized i needed to print up one of the chapters in order to complete my finance homework due monday.

after fighting with my printer and installing a new cartridge, i managed to get the 35 pages printed. by then i had finished packing everything and even got the car loaded. grabbed a quick bite and out the door i went.

arrived to an semi-empty house- senorita poochie was waiting for me. she meowed me to death until i finally was on the floor petting her to her heart's content.

the rents eventually showed up. but it gave me time to get on the keys (piano) and practice, something i really miss in LBK. its forced me and my guitar to become better friends. hauling up my Korg this time without exception. i managed to break into the christmas music which made me super excited about the holiday season. some crazy stuff going on with holiday plans. not sure exactly who im spending it with and christmas not sure where...doesnt make much sense, i know but plans are in the works...just dont know who's making it and who is not.

i do know that my cousin is hosting the fam for her first ever thanksgiving meal. shes not exactly a martha stewart type. ok but she does make a mean microwave meal....and a greenbean casserole. however, her repertoire is limited. my sister, tia, and i are the main chefs in the fam - apart from my dad. usually my sis, tia, and i are the ones to prepare most of the dishes for Thanksgiving and yes i can cook a bird. my mom is happy to work on the cleaning crew.

so we're breakin in the cousin and makin her do most of the hard work! lol...should be interesting and yes i plan on getting pictures of that. actually im looking forward to it cause im going to give her my secret stuffing recipe!

alright so tonight was dinner with the extended fam. lots of fun and after i headed over to my prima's to catch up. Oh my goodness....she had me crackin up so hard. its the kind of laugh that makes you cry and you cant stop and then your throat starts hurting cause you're laughing so hard. like doubled over laying on the couch crackin up. it was sheer awesomeness...

looking forward to the thanksgiving break for sure.

so i've gotten a few, why are you going home so frequently questioning. no need to worry...lol. there's always some sort of drama going on in my life. as much as i try to eliminate it - it finds me. but no - nothing major. my folks had been out pocket for a few weeks on account of my sister. during that time some stuff was going to be taken care of but got delayed. things like having my timing belt changed out. i dont like dealing with car maintenance stuff...so i came down to swap out cars. some stuff i dont mind taking care of - other stuff id rather not deal with.

i had taken in my car to have a tire looked at. my dad found a nail in it and when i took it in, turned out the nail didnt puncture the tire and there was no leak. however, when they put the tire back on, the balance wasnt quite right. so when i came home last weekend, the car would shimmy a bit. so i ran it by my dad who instructed me to take it back...which i did and ended up having the tires rotated and balanced which fixed the problem! yay....and the guy i dealt with at the shop was super duper nice...its a welcome change cause sometimes grease monkeys can make the ladies feel stupid...im not one of those i dont know anything about cars but im no mechanic either.

i know basic stuff about fluids, brakes, etc...and yes i can change a tire and have been able to do so and have done so since i was 18. i especially dont like when i take my car to get an oil change and they ask me three times if i have the correct weight in oil...i want to say nah, i'm just makin it up. ok for starters ive only owned the car for the last five years - yeah i certainly hope i know what weight of motor oil it uses! agh....im not a stupid girl, im actually a very smart one.

so i most certain appreciate it when the fellows who service my vehicle treat me accordingly. like the dealership in lubbock...they have a good service dept and so i dont mind taking my vehicle there for oil changes....now the one in angelo...FORGET IT...you couldnt pay me to go in to that dept and NO i will NEVER EVER EVER take my vehicle there again. if i have to tow it three hours to have it fix, i'll do it based sheerly on principle alone...

so yeah...love dealing with vehicle maintenance....

however, it'll be taken care of this week and next week when my parents come up, they'll bring my car and we'll swap. whoo hooo

i'm definitely looking forward to the rest of this weekend though...hope you're having a great one too!

"NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR CHONES"

2009-11-13T00:15:00.006-06:00

I can't take credit for the title of this blog. It was actually my best friend's idea and it actually was spawned from a seminar development session for Congreso. Yes, that's right "Fashion 101" was "Nobody wants to see your chones" before it got split into a guy/girl session and renamed "Fashion 101." Which by the way, i hear went really well and the ladies who led those sessions killed it.

ok so i said I was going to write this post because of an experience I had today. so here goes....

everyday when i go to school, i park my car in a commuter lot and have to take a bus further into the campus. i could walk but when its cold its a very long and chilly 15-20 min walk through Urbanovsky Park.so today, i'm riding the bus from a mind-numbing stats exam (not necessarily hard just more confusing than a rubik's cube at some points). its hard to guage exactly what he's asking for. maybe its cause he's too wordy...and so bent on everything being concise...who knows...

ok so yeah, my brain might as well have been spaghetti after that thing but i make my way over to the bus stop. its windy and a bit chilly but other wise sunny...so the bus pulls up and this guy and girl are chatting and the guy walks right in front of me and hops on the bus...which is why (if you follow my tweets) I asked, "what happened to ladies first?" it was rude boy's doing...oh it gets better...and yes this is where the "chones" enter the picture.

so we ride over to the commuter lot, no big deal. i'm busy with my normal routine of checking emails, facebook, txt messages, etc...stuff i missed while taking the above mentioned mind-numbing exam (by the way stats is short for statistics for those of you not in the know - i forget not everyone gets the acronyms).

back to my story...we make it through the Chitwood stop and roll on by the Spirit arena without stopping....(sometimes the bus drivers stop even though no one's there - i think they're supposed to always stop but some just keep on rollin by even when there are people standing there).

we make it to the first commuter lot stop and said girl who was talking with the Rude Boy mentioned earlier...proceeds to get off the bus making this big 'ole deal about saying bye to Rude Boy...so she's climbing off the bus and THATS WHEN IT HAPPENED!

there i saw what i DID NOT want to nor NEED to see. girl was wearing uggs (of course - this is tech) with some yogo pants rolled down at the waste revealing *drum roll please * her chones (i wont mention what kind cause its nobody's business) and a tshirt that wasnt long enough to cover that stuff up. ok so i'm thinking "oh lord, help that girl" when the guy leans over to get an extra peak and watch her walk off the bus to her car...basically oogling her the whole stinkin' time.

that's when i wanted to BARF....luckily i had on my sunglasses so my death-ray-eye stare apparently didnt phase or affect Rude Boy one bit. he was too busy lookin at the "goods." meanwhile, Chone Girl has no stinking clue and walks to her car like she's super cool.

i know, i know...there will be some who think what's wrong with that? that sounds perfeclty fine...

but i come from the ole' skool, we were taught a different way. not any of this all-up-in-your-face...here are my chones stuff...yes...chones are meant to be worn UNDER your clothes...and like my friend Zandra said "keep ya freakiness behind closed doors."

have a little respect for the general public: be mindful if you will. not only that but its a good way to invite trouble...there are a number of reasons why you should keep your chones to yourself or like Zandra said "Behind closed doors." the main point being I don't want to see them nor do I want to witness some mocoso droolin over you as you walk outta the bus. its an embarrasment to women everywhere...well unless you're freaky like that, think its awesome, and are somehow proud of those kind of actions.

either way, I thought I would post some helpful reminders here...do not wear white chones when you are wearing all white...FLESH TONE ladies, flesh tones...or white bra's when you're wearing a black shirt...again black or flesh tones...and be sure to wear a slip when you're wearing a dress or skirt...i can understand if you just didnt know...but please ladies for the love of respect, pass on the "girl you need to know this" information to your fellow sisters...

don't be drinkin the haterade - lettin your girlfriends, co-workers, mother-in-laws, people you dont like walk around lookin scandalous...ive even heard of the neon bra with a white blouse...yes...ladies, prints show through whites and sometimes through other colors...when in doubt ask a lady that's gonna keep it real and be honest with you..i mean like keep it REAL REAL with'cha.

i made my blog title announcement on facebook and i decided to post the conversation that ensued...apparently this is a topic that no one really addresses...geee, i wonder why...talk about this stuff people! it would save others alot of embarrassments and the general public from seeing things we DO NOT want to see...ok so, the comments went as follows:

I posted:

i decided that my next blog is gonna be titled, "no one wants to see your chones" after some observations obtained while riding on the bus from/to the commuter lot this morning.

Zandra Glass: huh what did ya see ?
Laura M Leyva: stuff that no one wants to see...apparently there's no concern for modesty these days...
Vanessa Aregullin: Yeah well, I'd rather see chones than a butt crack! I can't stand being in class and seeing (girls that wear those low waisted jeans) butt cracks when they sit down.
Zandra Glass: right, i feel like there is a differance between sexxy and SLUTTY!!! keep ya freakiness behind closed doors ,like me lolol
Roxanne Balderaz: hahaha!
Elizabeth Jaramillo: Lol that's gross & funny!
Lori Gutierrez: Amen do it sister!
Laura M Leyva: Zandra - you crack me up!
Albert Lopez: So, you're saying I shouldn't wear my lowrise jeans...
Laura M Leyva: not unless you're wearing the appropriate chones to accompany said lowrise jeans and long shirt to cover the back!
Albert Lopez: What about my tight running shorts.
Albert Lopez: Laura -note to self, sit in front of bus
Laura M Leyva: we've already had that discussion...do i need to call Jenn?
Laura M Leyva: more like note to self - dont look at anyone on the bus - avert your eyes and keep them on your feet.
Albert Lopez: no, just sit in the front. I'm not sure I trust your walking skills. You might end up with a bump on your head.
Laura M Leyva: SHUT UP! i forget i'm vertically challenged.
Andrea Leyva Batista: hilarious!

NEEDLESS to say - i may just take Albert's advice and start sitting at the front of the bus...my next fashion topic will concern my disdain for those "oh-so-popular" nike shorts worn w/tights and uggs...i see like 50 girls a day wearing the exact same outfit. oh yeah with a north face jacket too...same clothes, different colors...seriously..

headed to angelo this weekend. cant wait to see more friends and the familia...i love family: they make the world a better place to live in (at least mine does for the moment!!!) lol...

one last word of advice and guys this goes for you too:

KEEP YOUR CHONES TO YOURSELF!!!

*unless your married, then just keep it behind closed doors*

what are you talking about?

2009-11-10T23:38:00.001-06:00

Humble Me by Norah Jones

Went out on a limb
Gone too far
Broke down at the side of the road
Stranded at the outskirts and the sun's creepin' up

Baby's in the backseat
Still fast asleep
Dreamin' of better days
I don't want to call you but you're all I have to turn to

What do you say
When it's all gone away?
Baby I didn't mean to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to

You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
I'm on my knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
So please, please, please forgive me

Baby Teresa she's got your eyes
I see you all the time
When she asks about her daddy
I never know what to say

Heard you kicked the bottle
And you helped build the church
You carry an honest wage
Is it true you have someone keeping you company?

What do you say
When it's all gone away?
Baby I didn't mean to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to

You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
I'm on my knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
So, please, please, forgive me
You humble me

Today, we launched the Singled Out Ministries Online Women's Bible Study. Click on the link to go to the blog site that will be hosting this online bible study. Feel free to forward the link to anyone you think might be interested!

gerbil replacements

2009-11-09T02:10:00.000-06:00

i made it safely back to the outer confines of west texas. i have an exam tomorrow along with some homework due and lots and lots of studying for the first test in stats. i found some of my undergrad stats notes so i brought them back with me in an attempt to refresh my brain on the material.

gotta say that my playlists are super random. listening to Kenny Roger's "Lady" right now. i know, i'm super cheese. the next song is Chopin's Nocture in E Flat Major - a song which i can actually play.

i was going to bring up the Korg and completely forgot. found my started guitar back home and my violin...was going to bring those too and i forgot! my brain is on overload. just seems like when i go back home for a visit, there's not enough time to do all the things i'd like to do.

it was a really great trip and i went home for a number of reasons, one was to celebrate my cousins bday. she's practically a sister sooo...felt it important to make the trip.

feelin a heck of a lot better about a number of things. startin to see with clarity and realizing that sometimes you just gotta step out on the limb and have some faith that God's gonna provide the safety net. definitely want to talk more about this weekend just that i need to get some shut-eye as i'll be up in three hours to finish studying. gonna finish reading this chapter and then its off to bed.

regardless of how i feel tomorrow, definitely gonna get some time in at the gym. skipped out on running over the weekend and now i'm feelin endless guilt! LOL..not really...but i do need to get into the gym and run a few miles.

one last thought before heading to sleepville - just gotta say that i'm extremely grateful for friends who make you laugh. have had some of the dumbest but most hilarious conversations in the last few days...just feelin alot of joy and man...its a great feeling.

unfair expectations

2009-11-08T01:43:00.001-06:00

"Whatever men expect, they soon come to think they have a right to: the sense of disappointment can, with very little skill on our part, be turned into a sense of injury." ~ THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS

i've been thinking alot about this quote.

i'm working on uhmmmm, semi-private post. there are certain subjects and things about my life that i tend to stay away from in my blogs. there's a number of reason but mostly to protect the privacy of those in my life who may be involved in the writing of that particular piece. instead, i try to stay as abstract as possible but sometimes you just have to be direct to share what you need to share. this would be the case with this particular post.

i had decided not to write anything about this particular piece of my life because i just felt it wasnt really anyone's business (which i still feel its not) and i didnt think it would be relevant to anyone. OOHHH BOY was I WRONG!

over the course of my *cough cough* short life, i've been blessed to meet some pretty amazing people. i'd like to say that all those relationships have been exemplary but sometimes in relationships things can go sour and things do not end as sometimes they should. i cant exempt myself from that and can't say that i've never wronged anyone or not done something that would cause a relationship to end. i can be an idiot sometimes and sometimes that means i do and say stupid things that i wish i hadn't.

however, i believe there's no changing what is done. what i mean by that is that you can't take back what you've done or said. so i try to be careful about what i say, how i say it, when i say it and what i do...for the simple reason that i really believe that we all say what we really mean. whether we meant to say it out loud is a whole other ballgame...

i also believe that you should examine what someone says to you...there's often truth in their words and its up to us to hear what the other is saying and apply that truth accordingly - whether we believe it or not and whether we believe it applies or not.

that's the tricky part....someone may offer us a constructive criticism and we're quick to chalk up the criticism to an ill-perception. what we think we project, may not always be what others receive and we should be responsible for what we communicate and in what manner we communicate it in but of course, that's just my own opinion.

ok so...i've been working on maintaining important connections, relationships, and friendships with those who have crossed my path over my life. its been pretty incredible because God's brought some relationships back into my life that, quite honestly, i never saw coming back into my life. i'm grateful on so many levels and these individuals have encouraged me in ways i needed but didnt realize. its like i see a whole new dimension of life, living, and relationships. i realize that we're not solitary beings walking alone in this thing called life and that in so many ways we need one another....or rather we were created to have fellowship with one another - created to need relationships.

i've seen how small simple actions like encouraging words or a sincere smile can do something for someone that changes their day or how they move forward in a situation. i had decided a while back that I dont ever want to be a deterrent in anyone's life but rather to be an encourager of people in all things including the pursuit of dreams and purpose in life. i cant say that i've been 100 percent successful but i work at it everyday and work to be as positive and realistic as i can.

this has all led to some really amazing conversations in the last couple of weeks. people dealing with relationships and struggling through issues and situations which is what prompted me to write about my own situation. honestly, i dont quite fully understand it myself or know how i ended up where i did...but i've been dealing with a number of things of various fronts.

there's this "dream" which haunts me night and day...and maybe haunts is not the right word perhaps pursue is a better choice, but it follows me where ever i go and no matter what road i choose to walk down. it doesnt leave.

i decided to stop running from it, embrace it, and fully pursue it (which is where i'm at now). at the same time, i felt like i was having to choose between this idea of love and a dream. i say an idea because it wasnt fully realized in a reciprocated fashion but that's not really the point....the point being why would someone who really truly cares about you ever ask you to give up a dream or even remotely broach the issue? or rather than encourage you in going for it...try to reason with you about why you shouldnt...or cause you to doubt it?

i've talked to a number of you dealing with the issue of distance in relationships. i'd like to comment, seriously, i would but i dont quite understand the issues surrounding this topic myself. i just know that in the relationships i respect most, i've seen people (both sides now) work hard to make things work....and when one party doesnt want to put in the necessary effort or isnt willing to, then what do you do?

they kind check out and you're left standing there wondering "what happened?" "was i not worth the effort?" "is it really that difficult?" i've done the distance thing and yeah its not easy but i'll also say a lesson learned, "i'll never move to a city for a man unless there's a ring on my finger."

i've also been evaluating existing relationships in my life. i'm talking about those relationships that i consider my inner circle. i'm careful about those i keep in close proximity of my person and i mean physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. there have been some relationships that it was just necessary to walk away from and others i've felt just the opposite about it.

relationships arent easy to navigate and i sometimes wish we had a "how-to" manual...but its just not that easy. each of us is created uniquely and so my relationship with someone will not be the same as someone else with that person. its just how it is...and really that's what causes us to grown and learn and stretch as people.

i think often times people try to surround themsleves with like-minded people which isn't a bad thing but its the diversity in each of us that challenge those around us and cause us to grow. i cant imagine if my circle of friends were exactly the same. i'm sooo glad that each person in my life is sooo different, have different interests and knowledge because i learn from each of them.

i dont know quite how all of this ties together just to say that God's been teaching and showing me alot. i'm waiting for the application or the "ah-ha" moment when i realize "oh this is why!" but for now, i'm quite fine to be in learning mode. if anything, i see that God's word is guide to us as to how to be about good relationships. something which should be a priority and is important.
this week is going to be tough but i'm ready for the challenge. a weekend home was exactly what i needed to restore some hope i felt was wanning. i also got to visit with Señorita Poochie and miss her dearly. working on getting her moved up to lubbock just taking a bit of time.

i will say that i'm soooo super excited about Christmas. its absolutely my favorite time of the year...the lights, the sounds, smells, time with friends and family. OH I CAN'T WAIT! seriously!!! i've been listening to christmas music. i know it may be a bit early but some folks down the street from my bro already have part of their christmas lights up! how amazingly awesome is that? havent quite decided what to do in terms of decorating my apt but we will see! i may swap trees with my bro for this year something about a 9ft tree in my apt uhm yeah probably not going to work. although i do have high ceilings....i still cant see it fitting in my apt.

alright...to bed i go...dessert with some friends tomorrow after a bday lunch for my prima...and then its back home to get ready for a tough week of tests and homework! going to sleep tonight very much at peace and content.

good to be back

2009-11-07T01:29:00.001-06:00

back in my hometown, visiting for the weekend. its good to be back...OH its good to be back! trip back went much more quickly than i expected. had some time to "flesh" things out. its been a tough week.

i feel like i'm starting to sound like a broken record. i'm saying its been a "tough week" far to often. each week seems to have escalated from the week before. i'm believing and claiming this coming week to be far better than some of the ones i've seen.

if its not one thing then its something else. i keep asking Jesus, could you please just get my ducks lined up in a row please? lol...at least for next week?

i have two sets of homework and two exams next week...going to be rough, i know but i've done some preliminary leg work to ensure its not so bad. like finance homework done and half the stats homework. started my typed notes for my marketing exam and working on studying for stats.

i gotta say that coming home, even though i probably shoulda stayed and studied, was the right thing to do.

i needed to check on señorita poochies, who is sleeping with me tonight. she abandoned ship on my parents. apparently when i'm gone, she sleeps with them. i can home to her "loving" meows which let me know she was not a happy kitty. i also realized that come sunday, it will be a year since señore poochie, her brother, has passed. hard to believe its been a year...

had dinner tonight with the extended fam and it felt like old times. we ran into more family and family friends we hadnt seen in a while. it was a good thing...i got to spend some time with my cousin and will have lunch/dinner with friends i havent seen in a while as well. going to be good times for sure.

also, i've gotta comment on the people that have come back into my life from my past. that in itself has been totally amazing and a huge blessing in terms of hearing what's been happening in their lives and getting to see what God has done in them. it's given me alot of hope and encouragement in ways i didnt realize i needed.

to that - God has completely amazed me. i have no doubt that He's with me..and probably smacked me on the back of the head a few times for some bonehead decisions or for not doing something i shoulda done...but its His graciousness that overwhelms me at times. i keep thinking ok this situation is crazy insane but despite it God I know you love me and I know You're seeing me through it.

stinks going through it...stinks walking in it...but you know...sometimes that's how it's gotta be. i dont completely understand it, but i've realized from my 5k training that there are days when yeah...its tough and you wanna just give up. i've had days when i'm like i feel like this is defeating me instead of building me up...but i think it comes down to your mentality. i have to remind myself, "i'm in this to win it." the fighter within somehow surfaces and there i go...fighting tooth and nail for that second or tenth of a mile or next push-up or whatever it is that i'm engaging in.

what gets me through those moments in taking it step by step...i self-talk "one more step, come on two more steps" until i reach the desired goal, etc...sometimes in life you gotta do that....just two more seconds, just one more second....you can't look five miles up the road, just gotta focus on your next step...if i stopped to worry about all the other things happening or not happening in my life, i'd easily be overwhelmed....but instead i look at the most pressing and immediate thing and say let me focus on this..and once i work through that then focus on the next thing. it has preserved my sanity and kept me moving forward.

i know to some of you, this doesnt make any sense. you may think, you look fine...look like everything's together...and most days it is...but there are moments when i feel like "am i going to survive today? am i going to survive this moment." its then that i feel the tap on my should and can here Jesus say, "you're gonna be just fine, i've got your back, you're blessed beyond measure, and its not as bad as it seems."

it's going to get better, things will change, and life does indeed go on....

i'm trusting and walking, moving forward and determined to make progress. i knew when i started this journey that it wouldn't be easy and that the mountain i was going to face was no minor hill, so i was well aware of the challenges that lay ahead in pursuit of this dream. what i can say without a shadow of a doubt is that this is what i'm supposed to be doing...i'm where i'm supposed to be...and i'm pursuing what i was meant to pursue. it is woven into every fabric of my being and i cannot waiver from that.

yes there is uncertainty in regards to where this will lead me, but i refuse to live life wondering "what if." sometimes sacrifice is necessary in following your heart and following God's plan. i know that this road has cost me much but i have to say that being where i'm supposed to be and really living in that peace is worth everything that has been sacrificed. i look not to the immediate future and benefits but to the long term and the eternal impact these decisions have. to some, they make no sense and that's ok...to me, i can see the immediately path clearly and at the end of the day that's what really matters.

so grateful for the unwaivering support of friends and family and unconditional love. there are people in my life that i dont doubt their concern, care, and love for me and i can say that in the last couple of months these people have been pillars in my life. pillars that God has used to get me through and help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

wheels have been set in motion and there's some waiting to be done, but i'm confident that in the end...God will see to those promises that He gave so long ago. It isnt over until He says it is...and so i may be down for the moment, but i'm not out for the count and i'm getting back up with a very different confidence and stronger steady fire. when you've experienced true hunger, you learn to appreciate the simplicity of nourishment...you no longer have the expectation of the extravagance of certain elements but appreciate what you've been given and graciously accept what's being provided.

laying it down

2009-11-05T00:19:00.004-06:00

i had high hopes for today. hopes that there would be less drama and disappointment than in recent days. that was not the case...i was rocked with tons of reminders and encouragement. some helpful and insightful but really...they dont have any power to do much for you unless you willingly accept them.

i had a situation completely out of my control go down. completely shook me and more than anything really irritated me. had to deal with someone who was not pleasant and just in the last week am really tired of dealing with people who are ugly to others. i wish i could say i responded as best i could but the week had already taken its toll and i did what i could with what i had.

what i'm most astounded by is this back and forth of events/activities/circustances. great things happening in the midst of tough circumstances and situations.

i know that God's in complete control...know that this is the point where faith is tested and must be accompanied by action. but it doesnt lessen the pain of walking through the tough stuff. i love the people in my life who've walked beside me, even not knowing the deepth of the situation at hand. the amazing thing is that i dont have to devulge everything, dont have to share every emotion or every thought...

i've also learned enough to know that it will pass. a new season will come just as quickly and quietly as this one did. right now i'm contending with decisions made. some i can do nothing about. they were made years ago but the consequences are still affecting me today. it's frustrating but what do you do? take what you have and do with it as best as you can. i've had long talks with Jesus about it. in fact, He and i have had lots of long talks about alot of things.

despite all the recent stuff of life. He's the one thing I can be absolutely certain of.

I'm gonna take this a little deeper than I have previously. i may pay for it later but i've had to many conversations with people going through stuff to not talk about my journey.

i'm not going to go into details because its not about what i'm actually facing but more about the journey of all this stuff. i've learned that we dont truly know what someone else is walking through without being in their shoes. sure we can catch a glimpse of it and/or sympathize because we've been through a similar situation but you never really know all that one is contending with. don't know the skeletons in the closet, the past hurts or situations, dont know the things they dont tell or share....and i think that's where we sometimes get it wrong.

i say dont make assumptions because you dont know. we want to offer pretty words, we want to offer solutions, we often want people to move into happier more fun times but sometimes the best thing we can offer is to just be there...to say hey i'm here if you need anything.

i've tried to remember that in conversations i've had lately. remembering grace and love which is unconditional and expects nothing in return. i dont understand why the tough stuff has come now...dont know why certain individuals i love are facing some traumatic situations. why people are struggling or facing stuff way beyond anything they've ever seen....

the hardest part of the day, for me, comes right before i go to sleep. its those last few moments when my mind races and all the thoughts of the day come flooding back. when stuff i dont really want to think about comes creeping up to say, hey here i am...you've not yet dealt with me.

its then that i reflect on the choices i've made or didnt make....its then i'm sometimes ridden with regret for choosing something over something else or for not taking a road or opportunity. i cant change any of it, cant go back and make it into something else, cant take back what i've given away...it's done.

all i can do is to ask God to take what I have and to make it into something beautiful, to turn around those decisions i made, and do something amazing with them.

lately, i've been feelin a little humpty dumpty-like. i've been asking Jesus to put back together those broken pieces. not necessarily easy or painless. Necessary for sure...but i've come to realize that so many of us are walking down similar roads.

dreams not gone as planned....facing challenges beyond us...not quite sure what the next few steps are...some of us are letting go, while others of us are walking through some tough healing processes. we're all facing something...maybe its a moment of great joy or just sitting to reflect.

despite what we're facing no matter how tough...i'm learning that we can face it with joy. count it all joy no matter what we endure. not an easy lesson to learn for sure. what more, i see God's love in so many situations and in friends and family. in those crazy conversations that take me to a place of relief and laughter that are so silly people would wonder but that cause me to smile or to remember that its not as bad as i think.

i've remained pretty silent about alot of things happening in the last few months...but there comes a point where you just cant be silent anymore. i've also learned that what the enemy means for your detriment, God has the complete ability to use for His good and the greater good of His people.

my situation isnt the end of the world, no its sooo far from it. i have needed some faith to activate my situation. reminders that it may seem impossible but with God all things are possible. i also know that situations like this develop character, perseverance, and strengthen our hope in the unfailing.

there is one who loves us unconditionally...and without reservation. that is what i wake up to each morning and what i hold on to throughout each day. i'm blessed beyond measure and what i have right now is the gift of life...so no matter what i may feel in the moment...there are truths that i can trust and lean on to see me through.

i've witnessed God do some amazing things in the lives of people i know. i've been a witness to the things He's done in my own life and the life of my family. so many of you can share you're own stories.

i think it was most poignantly put today...that in the midst of your self-made pity party...to think about the things which you have been blessed with...take your eyes of your situation and raise them to the sky. in the end, our own self-loathing does nothing for our situation but make it worse...its when we go to the Father and say, I trust and walk in whatever You have for me...no matter how painful or difficult...i walk in joy...that's the true test. is what He has enough for me and am I willing to let it be enough?

I can be in a crowd or by myself, Almost anywhere, When i feel a need to talk with God, He is Emmanuel, When I close my eyes, No darkness there, There's only light!

what i know best to do, is to take it to the Father. to be covered with repentence and forgivness for what i've not done or done wrong...to go before His throne and into His presence for what I need...knowing the authority He's given us to do just that...He's waiting for each of us...and so tomorrow i will start my day in the manner which i ended mine today.

on my knees
laura

fightin' tooth and nail

2009-11-03T22:16:00.000-06:00

so this chicka is not out for the count. oh no SIR!!! despite some recent activities and just life drama in general, i'd been not feelin like a winner.

then i took a super mega-tron nap this afternoon and was finally able to shake the fuzzy feelin i'd been feelin since the weekend. lol. not that a megatron nap did the trick but it certainly helped.

i started working on some pressing tasks and just realized i dont have time to be distracted by retarded, insidious drama. so that got me on the fast-track of pullin it together which is where i'm at now.

tomorrow morning is a training session in the early AM and then its game time to start preparing for next week's homework/case due dates and exams. plus i think i'm going back home for a visit over this weekend and well there's no studying while i'm home. missing senorita poochie and it's always good to visit the rents.

so the most hilarious thing happened to my best friend - though i've not received permission to share - so i wont. but she seriously cracked me up. conversations with her throughout the day have inspired and encouraged me with alot of different things but most pointedly in the area of training for this darn 5k. i've changed my diet once again and let me just say that the new calorie restrictions are super harsh *this is the plan my trainer has me on* so the adjustment to the new calorie count...not so fun. either way...pressin through it cause you know me...a fighter to the death! lol...

also gotta say that Jesus is amazing. have more to say about that but will wait to post that blog until tomorrow. for now, its sleep, sleep, sleep!

hope you are all having super great weeks and enjoying the beautiful lovely weather. its super amazing and i just want to sit on a park bench and soak up the sun (during the day - not right now!!!) lol. just clarifying. alright loves. peace be upon you!

truth be known: you make me wanna barf...

2009-11-02T22:44:00.000-06:00

sometimes you dont need someone to understand, you just need them to listen. its usually when you do, that they decide not to, listen that is. so if i could just get rid of all the dramatic "elements" in my life right now, life would be good....really good. unfortunately, there are some things sooooo far outta my control that any efforts to eliminate them would be futile. so i'll trust them to capable hands.

been listening to Plumb's "Chaotic" album.

think i might just go running tomorrow to this one.

another one is "better"

i have to give a big thank you to my best friend who sent me a link of stuff to read while i was in marketing today. i know...probably not the best thing in the world to be doing but i cant really help going into a trance like state in that class or stats. AGH! and tomorrow morning 3 hrs of stats. maybe i can work on my homework during class?

we still dont have grades posted for our first 8 week courses. makes me a bit nervous.

not much on the agenda for this week - though i have homework and a test next week - i'm seriously thinking of going home this weekend. have more to say but i'm exhausted...it's monday! trucking towards the weekend.

Manhattan

2009-11-01T23:40:00.000-06:00

empowerment is a funny thing.

who you empower do do what and when...whole other ball game.

earlier today...i was irritated by a number of situations. lots of why? whens? what are you thinking? kinda' questioning.

seems i've experienced a whole new sort of shift in life and its not one i'm super happy about. yet at the same time, its also one i can do little to change. more than anything the shift has become a distraction. trying to remain focused on those things which need my immediate attention. fortunately for me, right now, those seem to be in abundance.

so this post isnt as positive as others have been. not in terms of i'm not being positive but more in regards to being positive can sometimes require alot of work. its almost as if - moving to another city where no one knows you would be soooo much easier than staying where you are. oh but that's not true either. so you just gotta grit your teeth and buckle down for the bumpy ride. turbulence usually never lasts too long.

there are some things which i need to address and others which i dont feel's really worth the effort. (makes me laugh thinking about it). some things that are completely out of my control and to be honest i have no idea how they ended up where they are...but things are what they are. so now i gotta deal with it. fun stuff...really...

i can say that i've finally arrived to a point where i'm tired of letting things remain as they are. there's been some dramatic departures and i thought those actions would only complicate life further...turns out it's only simplified things. no more concern for certain issues/situations. not giving time to situations which will have no return. (chuckle)

no...i'm taking those energies once focused on those situations and channeling them towards some progressive forward-moving projects.

(listening to GLO - Midnight Voyage - thanks Kijsten - great recommendation for the running playlist)

it seems that old skeletons are trying to creep out of the closet which is why i brought up empowerment. i had some long long talks with key people in my life. just had to get it all out and say hey, this is the situation. let me just say that ALWAYS - honesty is THE only policy. for now, i know what i'm contending with and have the necessary help to see me through.

i've also really really really realized the value of the support system i have in my life right now. can't say enough about those people who've stuck by me in the last couple of months. love you more than words could ever express and no, you're actions, thoughts, words, prayers havent gone unnoticed.

again - all of this is pretty abstract so please dont assume you know what i'm talking about unless you really know, (and trust me if you're in my inner cirlce - you'll know). i love how some people can take things completely out of context or make these super erroneous assumptions that you're talking about them when really you're addressing something so far away and apart from them that it could be the distance between the Sun and Pluto! Truthfully rather than upset me. those kind of assumption making abilities kinda crack me up and i just have to roll my eyes when people do that. I mean, seriously, it takes some really *cough cough* "colorful and creative" people to make assumptions like that. If i was being really candid, i just say they were "crazies."

i must say a million times, dont make assumptions just be direct and ask. but as usual, people like to assume things are about them when really they're not. so lesson number 1: never assume where i'm concerned. i tend to throw myself for a loop at times so you cant really ever know what i'm attemption to do: sometimes I dont even know.

its not like i just outwardly act without thinking through my actions. i try to be considerate, thoughtful, and methodical but i've learned that my thought process sometimes departs greatly from the general population. so what i may consider to be saying one thing could very well be saying something else. it's who i am...and sometimes that tends to be an "outlier" as we would say in stats. it is what it is so just deal with it. i cant apologize for being who i am and who i was created to be. it just is.

i've honestly thought about law school in another state just to get a completely new, fresh start. but isnt that a form of "running"? yeah...not a good idea.

for now - that idea has been tabled. mainly because i havent been lead to pursue that option. there are some options which i need to consider but i seriously dont want to. like i just want to scratch them off the list and say No WAY JOSE! "Get that corn outta my face" like Nacho....uhm yeah...but havent been led to do that either.

i have a finance test tomorrow. back in the full swing of class work as the second 8 week stint is underway. kinda weird to only have three classes but to be going full throttle. i'd like to say the work load is what i need to keep me busy, but let me just be honest. its not...i mean when you compare it to 18+ hours and then online coursework on top of that...yeah, it seems a little slow to me. But i'm glad that i had some freedom in my schedule because the last 8 week session was a little crazy...with my bro-in-law's surgery and getting bronchitis = not so bueno.

i can say i'm feeling better and am now contending with the dry conditions of this part of the state. i'm slathering lotion on every five minutes! i now know how my sister felt when she moved from Florida to Texas but i only moved 3 hours north!

so for now...my mode is survival. its a rough season and i know that a new one will come soon enough. working on being thankful for where i'm at and for what i'm going through. just gotta say that sometimes its hard. you just want to stay under the covers and hope all the situations will disappear. Oh but that's not putting on your BIG GIRL pants and dealing with the necessary stuff like an adult. yes i know...so that's what i'm working on.

for now that means getting back to studying for finance...got that test in the A.M.

night beautiful people - i hope you're week goes well.

don't worry - faith has not left and is not going anywhere anytime soon. just have to be real about the current state of life. its not easy but despite that i can say that yeah Jesus/God is with me at all times and that's what carries me through the day to "fly like a bird" a song i've been listening to quite a bit as of late.

trusting until i'm blue in the face.

only in my dreams...speaking of

2009-11-01T00:53:00.001-05:00

I've spent the last couple of weeks contemplating over, praying for, developing writings, working diligently on my personal statement.

Driving to school, it's been on my mind. Sitting on the bus going from the BA to the Commuter lot, its been in the back of my mind. Working on laundry, the hamster wheel furiously turned as I tried to figure out the exact content and approach to this monumental work. How do i define my educational goals and who i am in just six hundred words?

It wasn't until i was taking a break from focusing on it that it finally came. In fact, I was on a treadmill in the gym when it finally hit me. I'd written a personal statement before but for clarification purposes I should explain exactly what a personal statement is.

When applying to most grad schools, most require a resume along with a personal essay. Pertaining to law school: a personal statement is an opportunity to sell yourself to the law school you're applying to. You can write about anything but in short, you want to prove that you are law school material and the type of student that law school is looking for.

I didn't realize it at the time, but my study abroad program was preparing me for the writing of this personal statement. My fellow study abroad collegues have differing views of the courses we were required to enroll and participate in as part of the program requirements. Being the supernerd that I am, i took my participation in the program a little differently.

Perhaps, it was my aptitude and predisposition towards law school to begin with but my approach took a more serious tone. I mean, we were discussing the Roman Empire and Republic along with its relevance towards the development of human freedoms coupled by the Socratic method and the role these would play in regards to the development of jurisprudence. How could anyone get excited about those kinds of discussions?

lol..oh I can name a few and yes, they're either in law school now, have been, or will be going soon!

had the most encouraging conversation with my very brilliant cousin. this would be the one at Stanford Law and yes i'm bragging. She didnt get there on good looks alone! LOL. so what I love most about her is that great education and all, she's very easy to talk to and relate to. She's worked hard for her accomplishments and has arrived at her present place in life through determination and fearlessness. Not to mention she has a great husband who's supported her in accomplishing her dream (that alone speaks volumes to me about the partnership that marriage is).

ok so our conversation...i'm going to depart a bit but its necessary to understand why the conversation is so important to me. We're all given different lots in life. With those lots, come varying assets which aide and enable us in accomplishing goals, dreams, and tasks in life. We can sometimes lose sight of those assets and get caught up on those things which we do not have. its what "we dont have" that can sometimes keep us from reaching for the starrs/goals/dreams. The fear of "what i have may not be enough" can, at times, paralyze us where we stand, unable to take progressive steps forward. this has at some point in my own life been the case.

it wasnt until a few years ago, when i returned back to school and decided 'this is what i want, this is supposed to be my path in life' that i started down the long road that would eventually lead to becoming a Red Raider. there was a time when i thought it not quite possible to become an alum of the school my family is so endeared to (well most of us!). i saw following in my dad's and bro's footsteps something of an enigma. But i remember my dad saying, "if i can do it, so can you and nothing is impossible with God."

it was a blue Tiffany's box, holding a key ring with a heart charm attached, and the words of someone i love and hold very dear, "Remember that God holds the keys to your dreams and with Him nothing is impossible" that started me on my way to reaching for my dreams.

How could i negate those words in action? I knew from the course of the two years prior that those words are and were COMPLETELY true. I've witnessed God do some amazing things, bring me through some incredible moments, and deep, deep, deep down I knew that if this was really His plan for me...nothing could deter it.

So three years later, here I am. A Texas Tech student on the road to accomplishing an MBA with a BBA and a trip to my "dream" destination (Italy and Greece) under my belt. Everytime I look at those pictures, I remember that "dreams do come true" and its that blue Tiffany's box that holds a key chain with a very, very old and rustic key attached to it that reminds me that nothing is unattainable when God is involved. That box isn't about a gift from Tiffany's, though it was VERY NICE! No, its REALLY about God giving the very, very best to His people. I have another accessory that reminds me of that lesson as well...that when you have nothing: God can give you beyond measure.

in the last few weeks, i'd been struggling with certain "dreams" and questioning, eveb second guessing where I'm at. Its been conversations with a variety of people that have brought and carried me to a new place. When i started on this path, i knew that it would not be easy and i would face moments when i would be truly tested in endurance and perseverance. i've now arrived to that testing.

i can only compare it to the training i've just begun in preparation for the 5K. i've spent alot of time thinking about the varying points that an athlete faces. the start of the journey, where an athlete learns the fundamentals of their respective sport, then moving past the fundamentals to learning the art of the sport along with developing discipline, endurance, and perseverance. Sometimes atheletes face points of injury or even points where their bodies need something more than what they are giving such as hydration when cramping or being stretched a bit to be prepared to re-enter the game. There's hard work and being challenged to the point of breaking but before that can occur, when an athlete is successful, they will arrive at the goal. The end of the game or the end of the race....its that last stretch that sometimes most painful and the hardest to endure. But, its reaching the goal that all competitive athletes are striving for.

you have to know your strengths and weaknesses...need to know what assets you have that will enable you to reach the goal. that's what my conversation with my cousin was really about. sure there are physical elements that say, there's no way you're going to accomplish that...but as i've said before: i've seen crazier things happen. like a non-traditional student spending an entire month in Italy/Greece - expenses paid and that's just a minor/recent example...

i dont know where this dream will lead me...just know that there's a goal in site and that's what i'm aiming for.

there's a song that's really spoken to me so i thought i'd share it.

what i've come to realize is that this isnt about my dreams or my plans...but about a path i've been placed upon. i've had to come to a point of surrender to say: what is it that you want of me...where do you want me to go...what do you want me to do?

no matter how many times i ask or which way i turn...its always the same response. with confidence and assurance of heart, i know that this is the plan that He has for me.

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

i think i've run from it long enough and now its time to embrace it and walk in it. no matter how far i may go or how hard i may try to run, it is woven into the very fabric of my being: with complete certainty i see this now. the pursuit of this dream will be seen to completion and the hand that led me to embark on this journey will be faithful to see this work completed.

no longer holding anything back but going hard for that which I have yet to attain: reaching for the prize.

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. Phil 3:12-14 (The Message)

i encourage you not to hold anything back. this life is a vapor and all to quickly it will be over. instead, live each day in a way that will leave you with no regrets, embracing every moment, and loving deeper than you've ever loved before.

kettleball workout, my pata!

2009-10-30T17:44:00.000-05:00

reposted from a facebook entry:

i recently started training to race competitively in a 5K for the spring that would be running.

i figured since i was new to this particular sport, yes its a sport. i'd start with something small like a 5k and then eventually work my way to a half marathon before moving on to a full fledge marathon. what spurred all of this. well i had been a dedicated runner until a few years ago and have been trying to get back ever since.

i'm finally at a point in life where the opportunity has presented itself to really hit this goal hard. so here i am.

gym membership - check
running shoes - check
trainer - check
diet tracker - check
running playlist - check
the "ganas" to take it to the limit - check
crossing the finish line of my first 5k...priceless

so yes, i'm committed to this new goal/project. I've been at it for about three weeks and re-modified my diet earlier this week. I have an online tracker that helps me track calories and nutrition which has been really helpful.

AND TO ALL OF YOU who offered AWESOME song suggestions....thanks a million!!!!

today, i was determined to press myself and get over 3 miles in. so far i've been around a 14 minute mile. not great, not bad...but today...i wanted to get as close to 12 min as possible...so i hop on the treadmill, fire it up, and get the ipod "running" playlist going.

ok so WHAT IS THE FIRST SONG ON THE PLAYLIST?

this is soooo awesome...

EYE OF THE TIGER....and it was those first few rhythmic sounds that got me fired up and made me smiling while thinking, "OH YEAH...this is gonna be a good one." and i was thinking, this is like a video!

so there's something you should know about running...its not just about taking off out the gate. i mean...you gotta pace yourself and you have to build up endurance. something i'm working on during my early morning workouts with my trainer.

so no workout this morning...wait, i'm getting ahead of myself.

back to the just over 3 mile run. i fire up the treadmill and get going and finish up my first 20 minutes...take a hydration break of 30 sec and get going again. so as i near minute 12 in the countdown...i'm like..agh...endurance!!! where are you? but that's when "break my stride" comes on...and i was thinking about a particular situation and thinking "that's right....you ain't gonna slow me down" right as the chorus fires up.

Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
Nobody gonna slow me down, oh no
I got to keep on moving
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
I'm running in a one touch ground, oh no
I got to keep on moving

TALK ABOUT MOTIVATION...then i was all kinda mad about the situation and so i channeled that energy towards finishing my run. So today just over 3 miles like 3.12 @ 12.8 min per mile.

so if that wasnt enough, i decided i needed to do a kettleball workout. yes, its basically a weighted ball with a handle on it and you do alot of movements with it. ok can we say, totally kicked my butt...but i can say that i feel really great so it was definitely worth the hard work!

i just gotta say that watching your diet doesnt seem like it would be that hard! But great scotts! its craziness....

alright..this stinky girl must shower. dinner with the family tonight! so glad they're in town...

Hardest part of love is letting go because yesterday i was not what i am today

2009-10-30T00:29:00.001-05:00

for some reason, today was especially hard. not been too much going on but i don't know if it was a combination of the weather and songs that were playing on my ipod in shuffle mode or what...every song was a sad lamenting song. i was like, "agh - cut that stuff out!"

I had to program some peppy music. But then i had a conversation which wasnt bad...kinda necessary but brought me back to issues i'd not been wanting to deal with. so i was like drats! i figured its better to deal with this stuff now than let it fester, right? so yeah...that was loads of fun.

however, once i dealt with it, i realized - its outta the way! so i was able to move forward in progression and tackle some stuff that i'd been attempting to complete. one of them is my law school application. will transmit as soon as i finish up my personal statement. took a different approach this time around and i'm feelin pretty comfortable with it. had to design an outline and figure out my approach which was the hard part but soon after the words were flowing..now to cut it down to 600 words or less...not alot of room...but i will try!

i realized that my greatest fear is not in failure like i once thought...its in not attempting to try. if i try and fail, i know that i did everything i could and that's all there is to it. as family, i've seen and been through too many things to know that its not over until its over. God is God and when He decides to prevail there's no stoppin Him. I trust that fully...and am walking in that fully. Just gotta keep moving forward.

i also realized that i could be my dream's worst nightmare. so i decided to stop thinking through every step and scrutinizing. i mean, i'm here for a reason but might as well enjoy my time here. you can become so robotic that you miss out on those zealous beautiful moments of life. like tonights random cheese-less pizza at my bro's in front of his fireplace with a lit fire. it was relaxing and i realize i might not have moments like that with my bro forever. with my sister being so far away and my brother being so close like almost a few blocks away from me, its easy to take advantage of the time i have with him. but i think about how rarely i get to see my sis...and i realize that could be me and my bro.

not sure what city i'm going to end up in for law school..just know that i'm going to law school...that is most defintiely a done deal.

ok so my tia is in town..and my parents will be here tomorrow night and a friend's band is gonna be here sat night and staying with my bro. so lots of visitors this weekend and it couldnt come at a better time. also i cant remember if i wrote about it yesterday, but came across my best friend from junior/high school on facebook and now my closest cousin is on...its like a (singing) "family reunion"!

Jaci is my best friend from junior/high school and man...i could write a book of all the stories with that girl. its been really awesome cause i feel like we pick up right where we left off. you know sometimes, when time passes between two people - it can be a bit awkward. with her, it was natural and comfortable. i always had a good time with her around..may have gotten into more trouble than i bargained for but that's why i loved her and love her still! there are some relationships - no matter what happens - you cant change how you feel about that person.

ok so there's a song i've been listening to for a few weeks. i was debating about posting it but just been alot of stuff happening not just in my own life but people around me that i really care about. so the posting came out of conversations that i've had recently. these conversatins have led to bigger projects and deeper understanding and some concerns for community or the sense of. i can say that in my life, I feel community with not just my family who i love and i know they love me but good friends who have been placed in my life. i cant say enough about how i've been blessed by these relationships and what they have added to my life.

as adults or young adults - no matter your age - facing life's challenges can be tough enough but having support and caring people to surround you in those difficult moments can make all the difference in how you come out of the situation. i'm grateful for those people who have surrounded our family during this last month and most especially my sister's family! but as you face challenging moments in life, friends and family can be like training wheels. as you face more challenging moments, you know that you go deal with the situation at hand and that at the end of the day - doesnt really matter who is or isnt around - you're never alone and never left to carry the burden on your own. there's comfort in that knowledge.

i cant say that the transition to LBK has been 100% smooth or that things have worked out like i anticipated or even hoped...but i can say that i've learned some beautiful lessons through it. even though i joke with my best friend, Smange, about forming a band called The Bitter Two (she knows what it means), i'm working to stay on the positive side of life. i figure there's already too much negativism in the world anyhow...and God's got my back already so what more do i need? its wonderfully liberating!

uhmmm so switching gears here for a minute.

i've officially begun training for my competitive 5k. as in counting calories and watchin nutrition and getting in my cardio workouts and a new training session next week at 6am! whooo hooo!

we have another home game this weekend - hence the familia in town. let's hope we dont embarrass ourselves this time around...oh sweet baby Jesus can you have mercy on us? lol...GUNS UP!!! i'll be sporting my "wicked witch of TTU tights" this weekend...and yes i'm gonna get pics. though i'm not sure what shoes to wear exactly...but weather's supposed to be nice. alright. goodnight and peace be upon you, peace be upon you, peace be upon you (let's see if you know which song that is!) nighty-night loves!

TODAY HAS ROCKED!!!

2009-10-28T23:43:00.000-05:00

cold front movin in tonight! gonna be cold and for the third night in a row, i cooked dinner! WHOO HOOO...

meant to write this blog a bit earlier but got side-tracked. finishin up my law school application and working on my personal statement. decided to take a different approach so we'll see how that works out. alot of great things going on. parents will be here once again for another home game! i really missed them while they were gone.

still crackin up at this picture of my two nephews in their costumes. they are two cute kids!

my aim today was productivity and for the most part, i managed to accomplish what needed to be done. have homework and exams due the end of this week and start of next so trying to get ahead of that ball game.

back in the gym a bit more regularly and working on a training program with a trainer who i really really like. so excited about that and hopefully by the first of next year, i'll have run competitively in my first 5k.

working on setting some goals and targeting some new projects, super excited about that. can't say much other than, things are in the planning stages.

alright...i'm exhausted. have a few thoughts i'd like to share but will post tomorrow sometime.