Random thoughts

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

I had to start this post with that quote... Life has been full of "circle of life" type events as of late. I'm working on a miscommunications focused blog but haven't had time to organize my thoughts around the subject just yet.

So the Steve Jobs quote, well my brother-in-law is having another surgery tomorrow and my grandfather is still recovering from a stroke. I've been faced with varying family dynamics which add to the complications. But I'm discovering this is life....change is inevitable.

I hope to finish up my miscommunications blog tomorrow. Should be interesting...

too close

Uncertainty

There are days when I wonder if I'm ever going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. After getting an upper respiratory infection, I'd consciously decided to eliminate unnecessary stress. There are still too many unknowns which are completely out of my control.

I'm trying to maintain an optimistic outlook but just as I feel the sun is coming out something happens leaving me feeling sucker punched. My grace and patients have run out and I'm at the point where I feel I've done all that I could.

I've sort of throw myself into my work which is partially therapeutic but brings a whole other level of unknowns. It gives me a chance to take a break from some of life's happenings as of late.

Some of you know by now that my grandfather was hospitalized and was readmitted yesterday. We're waiting to hear what the next few steps are gonna be. It's a but unexpected and that coming off the heels of my brother-in-laws recent readmission.

Something has to change soon. I've consciously moved towards healthier eating and have managed to get a few workouts in. Just working at adjusting my schedule and manage my health better.

To boot, I've started doing some spring cleaning. Decided my life has stuff I need to purge. Both literally and figuratively. Like so many times before, I feel I'm on the cusp of making some major decisions in so many areas of my life. Not easy but all part of being an adult.
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gimme a cupcake

after this crazy week, I really needed the downtime of this weekend. I've literally been on the road most weekends since before Christmas. Looks like I'll be spending the month of March home with Ricardo heading this way to visit.

that man is a Godsend.

exhaustion is a funny thing and often I don't realize it's toll until i'm literally knocked off my feet like last week with an upper respiratory infection and then this week it was an eye infection. the dangers of working in a hospital.

i've worked to break my habit of touching my face, eyes, mouth, etc...because I had a nasty outbreak of a rash which I found out was due to the fact that I'm allergic to certain kinds of toothpaste.

oh man - me and these allergies.

I'm hoping the allergy shots start kicking in soon. immunotherapy shots does not equal fun that's for sure and they not only affect my schedule but my pocketbook! agh!

that's been my life in an nutshell for the last few weeks...being sick. no bueno and no fun. :(

so I took a brief moment today to examine why the illness and the craziness that is my life. some things I have absolutely no control - other things I can do something about. i realized my life needs some adjustments because in many ways i've not yet adjusted to post grad-school life.

not to mention that I have this crazy work ethic. i'm not married and dont have kids so its all too easy for me to lose myself in my work. not healthy I know...but its something I already know about myself and something I have to stay on top of. i dont think its a bad thing just about finding balance. luckily, i have a great mentor/boss who reminds me of the important things in life. he's got a great perspective about these things. makes me grateful for where i'm at and the position I'm in.

so another area taking a toll on the whole crazy work ethic/illness episode is my house. as in i still have christmas packed up but sitting in my living room. yeah - definitely need to get it shipped out to storage and clean my apt. i have piles of clean clothes and towels, and bedding that i've not been able to get put away...

so i think this weekend and the next few to come will bring with them some spring cleaning...out with the old to make room for whata i've already got! lol....dont need anymore new.

with the whole actual "spring cleaning" i figured that I should do some figurative spring cleaning and i've got a list going. time to roll up the sleeves and "Do work, Son!"

with that - sleep is calling.

peace, love, and sweet dreams world

Everyday love...

I'm in San Antonio with my Sweetie this weekend. Nice to be back on the old stompin' grounds. Nice to see how far you've come from where you've been...and as always to see old friends. Looking forward to the rest and relaxation!

Naturally Seven

Unanswered prayers...

I just finished posting to Cary's blog and happened to read through some of my old posts on my travel blog. One in particular stood out. I wrote it around the time I moved to Lubbock. I can still remember the excitement and apprehension of moving away and being homesick but excited for the road I was on.

Around the same time, I had lots of new people come into my life and one in particular that had been part of my past. There were two (cough, cough) "suitors" in my life and unbeknownst to me and against my intuition - I went with a choice that seemed textbook.

oh how mistaken I was.

it was from that context that I wrote the blog i've posted at the end of this post.

not knowing and unsure.

I had a conversation with my mom today. She was telling me that she had a conversation with my sister and that she had told her, "whenever something bad happens - something good will come of it."

I had to completely agree and I chuckled at just how true that was for me. I thought one relationship would've been so perfect and it turned out it couldn't of been further from the truth.

I wouldn't know that until some time later in the semester along with another incident that would cause me to see that what I was looking for was right in front of me the whole time.

Odd how that happens, right?

According to the textbook, Ricardo couldn't have be more wrong for me. And there were plenty to tell me so.

I've made many decisions - some have been good ones and some not so good. What I've learned is that there's this gut feeling that comes before I've made any of those decisions.

It's happened recently - and i'm ever so glad I listened and it happened with Ricardo.

a relationship that was so wrong would be exactly what I needed to see what was so right about Ricardo for me. I know some people think how do these two survive? (I'm sure Ricardo asks himself that sometimes too! lol)

I could just be me and he didn't run off scared...there was something to that! so looking back at the two plus years we've shared together, I dont know who could ever be a more perfect fit for me or my life.

He was beyond supportive as I chased after my dreams/education. In the midst of family crisis, he's been the pillar I can lean on. He helps me reason what I cannot and provides this oh-so-necessary balance to my life.

Sometimes I don't like it but we dont always like what is necessary.

I've learned more about who I am and what I want from this life and he's been supportive every step of the way. I've been a bit uptight but he allows me to relax.

I think we both knew it the night of our first date where I actually slumped at dinner. Not something I normally do, but something about him that was calming, reassuring, and safe that I finally felt I could let my guard down. Boy am I glad I did...it has been a ride for sure and I know that we have more to go...but every mile we've travelled together has been worth it.

Valentine's Day is around the corner and I love everything about Valentine's Day. Ricardo - not so much...but he endulges me and allows me my moment of Valentineness. So this is my love letter to him..and yes, I've opted to share it with you.

Because I do believe that out of something "bad" something good/beautiful will come from it. It's hard to see it facing it head on and it isnt until time has passed that you realize the beautiful that emerged from the ashes.

I wouldnt have the appreciation I have for Ricardo and all his quirks had it not been for that other relationship which was so wrong. It was the so wrong of that relationship which allowed me to see the oh-so-right in Ricardo. And it's those things that I value most in who Ricardo is and who he is in my life.

He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me.

i've had plenty of time for contemplation which has landed me here writing this blog. seems strange that the last time I wrote from this location I called it home, now i'm merely a visitor. life has been oddly wonderful and oddly strange in the last few weeks and I can hardly recognize any resemblences to pre-italy life. amazing what a few new experiences can do to you. I don't say that lightly either because life has handed me a stack of changes, some expected others not.

I don't desire to go into any depth of the happenings in my life as of late: mainly to protect the not-so/innocent. what I can say about recent happenings is that I've been left feeling "sucker punched."

it has made me seek comfort and peace from a familar place but even that relationship has evolved to something new. the comfort I've found is in God continuing to quiet my heart and teach me thru my circumstances.

these have not been easy or painless lessons. in fact, I can't really remember the last I felt this way. its not easy to navigate through uncharted waters....yet, that is where I find myself.

as always, I remain positive but can't seem to escape a sinking feeling about certain situations: call it intuition, call it knowledge, call it nothing at all.

shifts are inevitable.

the courage I once strongly had to delve into the deep appears to be failing me now in hesitation. my fault in that thought is that emotions are fleeting and there is courage to be found in foundations laid strong - not in the emotional throes of life.

it's easier to be tossed around in the wake of circumstances instead of lowering the anchors from deep within our spirit giving way to stability. being tossed around always leads to disorientation and "sickness." but anchoring allows us to maintain the course and provides stability.

it is the harder choice but when the storm subsides we will find ourselves where we should be and not shipwrecked with Gilligan and the crew on a deserted island. that's where I find comfort and peace knowing i'm safe in God's hands.

contemplation and yearnings

I seem to only write blogs late in the evenings or on saturday mornings. Apparently, that's when I do most of my reflection.

So this week has just about taken everything outta me. Too much going on and I'm grateful for friends who've lifted my spirits and reminded me of the important stuff.

my bro-in-law was readmitted and we're waiting to see if he's going back in for surgery. it's been hard to watch my sister and her boys walk down this road. i'm itching to pay them a visit. working on the details of trying to get there. just wish i didnt live 9 hours away. that makes it really hard.

then there's work which seems to have piled upon us in a hurry. we had some personnel changes and that's all i'll say about that. seems like there will be possiblities for the future but we wait for time to tell. i came home for work today and worked another three hours at home. insanity...but i cant complain because i really do love my job.

i also joined the board of a children's clinic here. that i'm super excited about because i did my internship with this clinic so i know firsthand how much the staff love their patients. i'm glad to be serving and using my time to further their mission and cause.

my mom decided to retire. its official. i'm happy for her but also uncertain how else I feel about it. i'm glad definitely - she needs the break and to rest and to spend time with her precious grandsons. they're too hilarious together...

but that means she'll have lots of free time and i'm not sure what that means for me! LOL...i kid of course. i love my mother and enjoy my time with her. but we have a time spent together limit/cap before one of us gets mad or upset at the other. I think its because we're more alike than I like to think.

there are just alot of unknowns right now. makes life challenging. but then again i knew this life wouldnt be challeng free. i'm trying to concentrate and focus on the things that matter.

John Mayer's "clarity" best describes the state I'd like to be in or am in...just feelin "heavier things" this week. i know better than to make decisions/choices in an "emotional state" because emotions are ever so fleeting. just gonna let time sort things out. for the first time in a whilee, i feel very mellowed out. is that odd? or does that mean i'm finally growing up?

whatever it means...i'm just going to enjoy being in the moment and focusing on the things that matter.

Carry Me