promises and sad good-byes

our trek back to Texas began sometime after 10 am this morning. we made pretty decent time considering we weren't sure what to expect of the weather. we're in springfield, missouri for the night. up and early tomorrow to make the rest of the 10 hour trip home. i woulda liked to have spent more time with my sister but her work schedule just didnt allow us the opportunity.

i'm so glad i made the trip with my parents and i see now that everything worked out as it did this last semester with reason. those little boys are so completely precious to me. i'm going to miss hearing "mimi get up!" in the morning or just "Mimi Mimi!!!" coming from my oldest nephew. they are growing so fast and the things they do/say are just priceless...

makes me sad that we live so far away but i know that it has to be this way. going to make a visit during spring break. i promised my oldest nephew i would. he told me this morning. "Mimi i'm sad" I said, "why Timmy?" and he tells me "Because i dont want you to go!" and i told him "i'll be back at spring break in just a couple of months" and he tells me "why dont you stay for alot of months?" oh just about broke my heart to see his sad little eyes! how could you not love a little face like that?

i hear senorita poochie made besties with my brother who was home over the holidays. i'm sure she's going to meow me to death when i arrive. this break is going to go by too quickly i fear. i want to stretch it out as long as i possibly can. a couple of more trips on the books - both lesiure and business. law school tour and of course get to spend time with friends in the process. always good for the soul. something about sitting with someone you care about over a meal or coffee...no words to explain.

so i got a few new albums for christmas. my new favorite is Carrie Underwood's. been listening to it quite a bit and hoping to grab the new Lady Antebellum as soon as its released Jan twenty-something....also hopin to make a few concerts this semester. have a good feelin about 2010....so weird to see that in print.

alright...to sleep i must go...long day tomorrow and short recovery before i'm back on the road - solo this time around....

hope you're having a joyous holiday season..just a few more days till 2009 ends and 2010 begins...

as always

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

There are only 16 minutes left to Christmas Day. I can't believe my last post was Dec 18th! It's been busy and hectic and with the two little ones - hard to get some alone time to write a blog. I'll gladly sacrifice blog time for time with those two little ones - my nephews.

i'm waiting for some security features to update on my laptop so i figured i'd try to get in a quick note before making the long trek back to Texas tomorrow. it will be two days of traveling to make it back to west texas. as sad as I am to leave, its kinda bitter sweet to head back to angelo. will be there for just a few days. need to run back north to take care of a few things back home.

home...its getting complicated to define where that is exactly. i feel a bit nomadic. i guess home will always be at my parents house - though i'm trying to make my current residence "home." hard to do when you're never there! lol....for now, its quite ok...not really trying to develop in roots there. don't get me wrong - i love life there but it seems that life is shifting once again and this time around i have a solid peace about things. again a need for annonymity - just have to say i'm much, much, much appreciative of the key players involved in the game.

been alot of lessons about timing and alot of sorting through stuff in this last semester. figurative and literally. just have to say that sometimes - we're so bent on taking a position that in our refusal to move in any direction - we fail to see the situation from a different angle which reveals what we really need to know. i'm not talking about any one situation just to say that i cant control anyone but myself. so what others choose to believe or not to believe - i cant control. can't make them love me, can't make them feel differently about me...cant change their minds about what they want to say...can't make them believe in me.

it's liberating because for once I feel like i'm not working so hard at trying to make others happy or others any of the above i just listed....no, instead i feel like life has a new lease if you will because its about doing what i feel i'm supposed to be doing in this world. right now the plan is law school - but it is something i'm praying through and definitely thinking through...its three years of my life.

my time with my nephew has shown me that yes - someday - i do want to be a mom and someday - i do want a family. my time with them has also taught me about timing and the art of time. everything has its time as ecclesiastes so poignantly points out. so instead of trying to rush through to the next phase/season of life - i'm doing what i can to embrace and enjoy the current one.

despite all the drama's life has wrought and all the crazy things happening in the lives of people i love. i can honestly say that life is sweet, very sweet. i'm excited for this spring semester and though i'm not a super fan of my current living location - hey - it is what it is and i've got just a year and a half left there so why not make the most of it?

i think this shift/change started with the changing of my concentration. feel so much better about that choice. i've learned that the greater the risk, the greater the rewards. i mean that was basically what we talked about in finance for the duration. risk...i thought about it...thought about those things that sometimes hold me back from really moving forward. will talk more about that later but just to say that i realized - i dont want to live life and look back and think what if...i tend to be a risk taker and in recent years have been more calculated about taking risk but sometimes i think you just gotta close your eyes and dive in. lol...

while its exhilirating, it can also be terrifying as heck! and sometimes i think to myself - are you sure you know what you're doing? most of the time the answer is no...but hey it makes life interesting none the less...and truly one day i will write a book about all my crazy life experiences.

that brings me back to the 5k training...yeah...need to definitely get back to that. so will set up some training sessions when i make my quick trip back to the north...gonna get back into a routine and get disciplined.

i ate way to many cookies here...i've been like a cookie monster and all because i was feenin' cookies all semester. so completely odd and strange but no more cookies for me... :( - yes i'm sad about it...but cookies are not good - even though they taste so delicious!

Just have to say i'm looking forward to the New Year for sooo many reasons. i'm not sure how much winter we have much left but something about the thought of spring in the air that makes me smile...well..that's not the only thing...again with the annonymity - its necessary.  But if you're reading this as i'm sure you will - i'm much appreciative of you - for your enduring patients - and what you add to my life - you know who you are. ;)

so yes...hoping to sleep well tonight. i've been a bit darth-vader-ish. neglected to mention that after i arrived i came down with a cold or sinus/allergy stuff. everything's clear so i'm bankin on the sinus/allergy/asthma stuff that sometimes catches up to me when i've not really rested and well that's definitely been the case this week.

i will say that i'm glad to have this time with my folks...and time with my sis and her family. wish my bro coulda made it but all things happen for a reason. i'm certain.

i'm sad to leave my sister and her family. will miss hearing "mimi, mimi" so early in the morning. their little boy voices and the sounds of little feet runnin around or coming up the stairs...those boys have taught me just how much family means to me and what a priority it is to me in my life. i know that in large - i am who i am because of them...what i've learned from them and how they challenge me...the lessons never stop and as long as i'm living and breathing - i know that i'll continue learning about living life and the meaning of it.

as always - on the road again...

Walk with me in the moonlight

the last post found me beginning my winter break travels. i managed to pack what i thought i needed into two major suitcases, load my car, and make my way home south.

so this post...finds me re-packing - though a lighter load this time - getting ready to head north. Today I did all the things I absolutely loathe to do. had the oil changed in the suburban, got the inspection sticker, had it washed, gased it up, and am packing!

well attempting to pack. i'm listening to Sheryl Crow's Motivation in hopes that it might generate some real motivation so i can finish packing. the last bit that i need to do is the toiletry bag. i decided to not take the whole bag of stuff. so i have some smaller travel sizes of the stuff i use on a regular basis. there are things you just shouldnt leave home without. a toothbrush is one of them...and chones would be another...but i digress.

today was crazy insane with errands. i think i'm mostly packed now. (I took a slight break to finish up). i also probably have more clothing than i really need. and i hear its supposed to be super cold....

just gotta say i'm looking forward to reading books to my nephews and drinking hot chocolate and making smores...(activities planned during Laura's week of day care). so excited...you dont even know!

had a bday dinner to celebrate my dad's bday. technically its tomorrow and according to our news station he turns five. yeah i know, dont ask! so we got the family friends together for a meal and as always good company! these folks are like family to me - been there to support my parents through a number of situations and i've watched my parents do the same for them. so it was cool to celebrate with them. though my carrot cake turned out to be strawberry so i have to call the bakery tomorrow while i'm on the road! seriously....

alright so random but just had to post this...my friend just said to me, "my computer is like stupid boys!"

i gotta say that some old friends from my past have re-surfaced in my life in recent weeks. its been so sweet and amazing. so glad to have them back and it feels like old days....i can only say that that must be what unconditional love is...its beautiful and amazing and makes me grateful.

i'm partially delirious...going to sleep...an 18 hr trip ahead!

something got a hold of us

i'm packing for my almost month long vacation from this temporary home. feels like just yesterday i was moving into this place and now i've completed a full semester. time flies...

when i first arrived, i thought i was on the cusp of one of the most amazing experiencings of my life. turned out it was just not in the way i thought it would be. funny how life does that to you now and again. i mean - those kinds of curve balls throw us for loops for sure but they also help us to see the really important things in life. curve balls also help us see what we're really made of, what we can endure, and what we want most of life.

i can say that is most definitely the case for me.

it's been a long, hard semester with lots and lots of lessons learned. despite all the changes and difficulties of the semester, there were some amazing moments too! in fact, many beautiful moments. new friendships and the returning of old friends...i'm blessed beyond measure.

there tends to be a natural inclination to cling to relationships that seem to be slipping away. i've learned that sometimes departures are necessary and i've learned that i definitely dont want people in my life who dont want to be in my life. its sometimes painful to let go and even more painful to realize the truth of the situation but in the end, we find that sometimes it was that relationship that hindered us from seeing something else so completely amazing and beautiful in our lives.

no regrets for the semester...some things i think i would've done differently if given the chance, but life can't be rewound and done over. it is what it is...what you've done is done, what you've said has been said...you cant go back and take it back, can't change it...can't make it into something different. you can learn from it, you can grow from it, but it is what it is.

it's a bit bittersweet. i'm definitely excited about the break and yes i will be traveling some super long distances over this one! have more to say but need to get on the road. love, peace, and grace always!

captive, captivated, captivating

i keep thinking to myself: "what's the point in sleeping?" I should feel better prepared than I do given the amount of time I've given to preparing myself  for these three tests. Two tomorrow or rather this morning and one early monday morning. i havent quite decided what to do after but i'm sure a nap will be worked into the plans somewhere.

with monday comes the end of my first semester at Tech. i have alot of mixed feelings about it. i changed my concentration earlier this week and while its not what some would expect i finally felt it was the right thing for me.

there's much i'd like to do in the spirit of the holiday season. time just has not afforded me the opportunities i had so dearly hoped for. i try to find those bright shining moments as i can but they have not been provided to me in luxury this season.

no this season would be a very quiet and still one. yes the madness that is higher education can be felt swirling around me...but the only way i know to describe it is standing in an open field on a cold winter night with just a candle and the stars and moon overhead providing direction and light.

i'm anxious to go home for the break.

ready for spring to arrive though i know that it must wait...

between now and then will come visits from my sweet little nephews. i cant even describe the joy of heart they bring to me when i think about them. so many things in my life have shifted in ways i never thought imagineable. i've not labelled them as good or bad shifts because its just not known yet. just alot of growing, stretching, and yes even tears.

good has come out of this semester...yes that i can see.

i'm grateful for the people in my life. those who have stood by me during this new phase and pursuit of goal in life. grateful for old friends who have returned and for new friendships strengthened by genuine care. i cant say that i have it all figured out. heck i dont even know if i have it partially figured out. i just know that the best i can do for now is to live each moment as best i can.

have i made terrible blunders this year? absolutely...have i had some of the most incredible experiences of my life? without a doubt....and just as always, time will keep moving - seasons will come and go. i know that i have left many disappointed but all i can say is that this is my life, my choices, my one chance to do what i was created/intended to do.

no one else knows that better than God Himself. so i trust and walk fully in Him.

there are some that i wish could see the full scope/picture of what has happened been happening over the last four months but it's just not meant for them to see. i understand that now and though i may be judged for what they perceive to be certain actions or lack of actions - in the end the people who need to know most what is really happening and what my course of action has been are those who do know.

i finally realized that i dont owe anyone any explanations for the road i've been on or the struggles i've endured. the lesson learned...dont judge others and dont compare because you truly dont know what they've been through, are goin through, or where they have been.

the one thing i can say is that i've begun to walk down the path that was paved for me and to carve my own way (the way God's directing) outside of an identity so often assigned to me. i finally tired of apologizing for being who i was created to be and realized if individuals can't accept it then they dont care for me in the way that i thought they did and dont have to be around and...so many aren't. nothing to cry about or over, though its not as painless or flippant as i may make it sound. Reminds me of a Switchfoot song "Don't be there."

Don't be there, don't be there,
'Cause I'm on my way,
And I'm already gone over,
And I'm on my way. hey...

I can't recall myself how I went down,
Did I get shot or shoot myself?

I'm down here, I'm down here,
And you're way up there,
That doesn't hurt, badly,
But it stings right here, hey...

I can't recall myself how I went down,
Did I get shot or shoot myself?

And I won't pretend there's nothing there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.

If you're a rose then I'm the thorn
that's in your side,
And does it hurt badly?
'Cause it burns right here.

I can't recall myself how I went down,
did I get shot or shoot myself?

I'd like to say hello,
I'd like to say I care,
I'd like to let you know,
That nothing here's the same with me,
Nothing here's the same.

And I can't recall myself how I went down,
Did I get shot or shoot myself?

And I won't pretend there's nothing there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.
Don't be around, Don't be there,
Don't be there.

It's a completely beautiful song but i won't get into its meaning. just to say that sometimes this realization/process is to be a part of the life we must live.

for me in the present: nothing is the same - it never could be.

no melodramatics, no waterworks, no regrets...it is what it is...and just like after all the other major and pivotal moments in life, i'll keep moving forward - keep taking steps - keep attempting to remain faithful to the truth in my heart because at the end of the day, its all i know to do.

back to the books...i am eagerly waiting for the end.....

as always - louda

Video from Matt Chandler

Video from Matt

I had to post this simply because I was greatly encouraged and humbled after watching today.

I've met Matt a number of times but can't say that he would remember my name or even my face. I first met him while he was attending Hardin Simmons where he helped with Grace, a collegiate service. Jeff Berry was leading worship at the time and our own band, Signet, from the ASU BSM would often make trips up to GRACE to observe, viewing Jeff Berry as a sort of mentor/role model.

The one thing I can remember about Matt way back then was his willingness to serve and his jokes! He was quite the character then and given his servant heart, easy to see back then, it was no surprised to find him pastoring at The Village several years later.

There's an odd sort of connection there with The Village. I remember going to visit with a friend who had just moved into the Dallas area and who wanted to check out the Village. Given Matt's growing reputation, I was also eager to visit his new congregation and was doubly surprised to find Gilbert Montez serving there (now as Director of Communications). Turns out Gilbert knew my friend and in fact had been the one to invite him.

So given the recent news about Matt's health/situation; I found his video, posted on his church's website, humbling to say the least. I agree with his words and message, continue to pray for his family and situation, and am grateful for all blessings bestowed upon my own life - more than you could know.

Makes finals seem trivial and the stress of finals immaterial, frivolous, and paltry...in short, his message puts things into perspective! So no matter what you are going through I hope you find joy in your situation and will remember Matt's words.

Thank you Father for all things...for all the good and for those things I may think aren't so good!

Words of Wisdom

I received a forward today titled "45 Life Lessons" by Regina Brett. There are a few of these I can completely relate to but either way - wanted to share with all of you! It's easy to get caught up in the craziness of life or to let others drag you into it!

Hope you're weeks are going well. Will post soon. I promise. In the midst of finals with final cases/homework due in the next few days! So ready for the break and not quite sure where I'll be for the next month! It's kinda nice to not know or not have plans, or to not have to be somewhere! LOL.

"45 Life Lessons" By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.